Month: March 2020

Myam 15 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

Taking a day off to do absolutely nothing is wonderful – yesterday was a treasure of idleness – but there’s always a price to be paid.  Always.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you that there isn’t.  My enemies are many and varied, every second that I’m not working to thwart them their advantage over me grows stronger.  They never stop trying to destroy me and every moment that I don’t fight against them gives them that much more chance of success.  I have to be working as hard as possible all the time just to stay above water.  The pressure is intense and relentless, thank the Gods that I’m strong enough to handle it where other women would crack and fall to pieces.  I really am something. 

Since the damage was already done by yesterday’s day of rest I slept late today as well, might as well enjoy it if you’re going to do something stupid.  Once I was up and ready to go my plan was to hit the market and do a little trading, but as per usual my plans were foiled before they began.  Once I got downstairs there were a pair of Baron Redmynd’s retainers waiting for me.  They explained that he needed to speak with me in a way that also made it clear that this was not a request.

“How did you find me?  How does everyone always find me?!”

“We were told to check all the finest inns in town.”

“Oh . . . well . . . that would do it.”

They escorted me outside where the Baron’s carriage was waiting along with two more armed men on horseback as outriders.  When I climbed inside I saw there were already three women sitting and waiting – three almost identical looking women.  You know the ones I mean.

“You’re a little late to score high marks on bodyguarding.”

“We were ordered away from your tent that day, we don’t work for you remember?”

“You could have, I had the money.”

“Things aren’t that simple.”

“Tell me about it.”

We clattered our way to the mayor’s former civic complex which is now the headquarters for Redmynd and whatever it is he’s doing here – attempted coup turned into . . . something else.   He didn’t keep me waiting at all.  His armed goons ushered me into the former mayor’s office where he was looking at maps and charts without delay – so he’s an improvement over the former occupant in that way at least.  He thanked me for uncovering the conspiracy of demoniacs in his midst and apologized for the “unpleasantness” at the camp, stating these two simple concepts took him a solid half hour as it was mixed in with the usual self-aggrandizement and empty fluff.  In the end he told me that he owed me a great boon for making sure that his conspiracy, sorry I mean peace-keeping mission, wasn’t suborned by the powers of the Hells.  

“I don’t mean this as an insult to your honor, and I’m not saying this is the case with you by any means, but four times before a powerful man has told me that they owed me a great debt, and yet somehow I never ended up getting much of anything from them.  One of them was the man who was sitting in that very chair a few days ago.”

“Some men are reckless with their word of honor. I am not such a man.  You need but speak your wishes and if they are in my power they will be yours.”

“I’d like free passage through the city.”

“That’s easily done, but you should be forewarned that the streets aren’t entirely safe yet.”

“I have the ligature marks on my neck to testify to that. I was working with a man named Rindol, a sage in the employee of Lord Wesel.  He was right in the epicenter of the fighting when it started, I’d like to know if he survived and where he is.  And for that matter I need to speak with Lord Wesel as well.”

“I’ll see to it, so far your price is very reasonably met My Lady, you have prevented a great catastrophe in my ambitions you need not restrain yourself.”

“What can I say, I’m a simple woman really.  I had a family ring that was taken from me, it’s one of the few possessions in the world that I cared about.  There’s no getting it back now of course but if there’s a jeweler in town of great skill I would like to have a new one made.  It’s been in my family for a long time, from back in the days when our fortunes were much different.  It was very dear to me.”

“If there isn’t a craftsman of suitable skill I shall have one brought to you My Lady.”

“That would take a while and I’m not sure how much longer . . .”

He butted in with a throat clearing “Actually My Lady you’re going to need to do me another favor.  I have to ask you not to leave the city until Baron Juost shows up.  And I need to know where you’re going to be so you should stay at the Crux Ansata.”

“Oh yes, in all the excitement I forgot that I’m still your hostage.”

He affected a pained expression “My Lady . . .”

I held up a restraining hand “Don’t fret Baron, I harbor no resentment over the fact, just tell me that the Juost contingent will be here soon.”

“Alleene is no great distance my lady, he should be here within the week.”

“Fair enough, one other thing, if his head hasn’t been put in a pike yet I’d like to talk to Baras Haldmeer.”

A short carriage ride later and I was at the small prison where criminals are kept until the judicial system can decide what to do with them.  Even in his small cell the former mayor looked unchanged – very much like a man who’s not just had his entire world snatched away from him and is most likely going to be killed soon.  You have to admire someone who can handle total collapse with some dignity.

“I have good news.”

He seemed unsurprised by my presence “I could use some just now.”

“I found a lead on your brother.”

He nodded “That is good news but I would be lying if I said that was my main priority right now.”

“I have  problem though, I swore vengeance on you but it’s hard to see a way that your situation could get any worse.  I thought about bringing you some poison and encouraging you to kill yourself but if anything that seems like a kindness at this point.  I don’t like the fact that you’ve been brought down without my having much of a hand in it.  It’s unsatisfying when circumstances beyond your control bring about something you want.  I like to earn it.”

“You still need me to get your things back.”

“No, I have them, your friends in blue told me that you had lied to me and where they could be found. “

“I’ve been siphoning money from the city coffers for years.”

“Let me guess if I get you out of here you’ll lead me to it?  I don’t doubt in the least that you have quite a stash hidden away, but you’ve already betrayed me three times Lord Mayor, what kind of fool would I be if I trusted you again?  You know the old saying, fool me three or less times shame on you, fool me four or more times shame on me.”

“You could help me out of here so that I could rebuild my fortunes so you would have a chance to rip them away yourself at a later date.”

“That would be quite the epic journey of revenge, but I’m already on one of those – you were just an incidental revenge side trek – and I don’t have the time for two epic revenges.  I think I’m going to have to be satisfied with being unsatisfied in this case.”

“It’s a shame to let all that money I stole go to waste.”

“Yes it is, but I’m already very wealthy and when they torture you I’m sure you’ll tell them where it is.  Eventually. So it won’t go to waste entirely, someone will get it.  About the only thing you could do that might change my mind is tell me that you have some way to bring down Duke Eaglevane.”

“I do, just get me out of here and I’ll tell you.”

I smiled slightly “Goodbye Mr. Mayor.”

He sighed quietly “What’s the difference between you and me?  Why I am here and you’re going to walk away?”

“That’s a good question.  Off the top of my head I think the difference is that you thought you had the upper hand.  You had status and prestige and power and money and an entire network of thugs and civil servants at your disposal.  I have none of those things, I’m always fighting uphill against superior forces.”

He frowned “How is that to your advantage?”

“I don’t know, but here we are.  Maybe it’s that no one sees me as a threat, the more power you accumulate the more other people know they have to watch out for you.”

“I knew I had to watch out for you.”

“And yet you’re in there and I’m walking away.”

He nodded “It bears something thinking about.”

“If you’re going to think about it my advice would be to hurry, I don’t think you have a lot of time.”

After my meeting with the former mayor I had a late lunch with the Baron and his sycophants, which was pleasant enough for what it was, before I was deposited back at the Crux Ansata.  I could have spent the rest of the day doing something useful but the day had left a poor taste in my mouth and I decided more indolence was the order of the day.  I have one less enemy now so it should be alright.  I spent the afternoon with Eramus Stutr and the other luminaries staying in the luxury suites playing cards and gossiping before having a lovely dinner on Mr. Stut’s balcony.  A wandering musician on the street below saw us and started playing his fiddle.  It was almost romantic until two footpads ran up to beat the snot out of him and steal his instrument.     

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 27,817 platinum, 44,859 gold

XP: 635,101

Inventory: Flask of Endless Sake, Hat of Effortless Style, Ring of Disguise, Badge of Last Resort, Stone of Good Luck, Tankard of the Drunken Hero,  Censer of Dreams,  potions of cure moderate wounds (5), potion of invisibility, Enchanted White Pathfinder’s Gear (effects as Iadaran Dress Uniform) Belt of Physical Might +4, Versatile Vest, Campfire Bead, Expedition Pavilion, +1 Human Bane Endless Ammunition Light Crossbow with Sharpshooter’s Blade, Deck of Curses (two cards used), Ring of Urban Grace,  Bewitching Gown, Holy Symbol of Adariel (Sanguine Protection) Black Marketers’ Bag (5), white squirrel fur Slippers of Scampering, Nymph’s Favor, Token of Summoning, Tidy Trunk

Courtier’s Outfit, noble’s outfit (5) collegium ring,  pocketed scarf, wrist sheath, signet ring (2) assortment of fake signet rings, silver chain set with moonstones, gold and emerald ring (2), garnets (700), severed hag head, gold necklace with jade pendant, ivory combs, tax collector’s badge, gold bracelet with ivory inlays, silver necklace set with rubies, gold earrings with jade inlays, silver and gold brooch, silver necklace with ruby pendant, glass vials of something awful (8), disguise kit, covenant ring , tiny diamonds (27), Saryah Phidaner gown, bottle of elfen absinthe, masterwork thieves’ tools, onyx (55)    

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa 

Myam 14 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

The good thing about staying in a classy establishment like Crux Ansata is they have people to take care of tasteless day to day tasks like commerce for you.  After breakfast I sent one of their attendants out with a couple mundane items to dispose of and with orders to procure me an appropriate method of transporting my Phidaner gown.  While lackeys were scurrying about taking care of errands on my behalf I availed myself of the bath in my suite for the first time in what seems like ages.  Laying there in that warm water I had a hard time remember why I ever leave the city, other than to go to a better city of course.  I stayed in there for more than an hour and had servants brings up hot water at least six times – but when you’re paying for the best why not enjoy it?  After that I went out onto the balcony in my dressing gown (scandal!) and resolved to do a lot of nothing, sitting on the cushioned darkwood lounge chair and enjoying some sparkling wine while I smoked a little flayleaf.

My reverie was interrupted by someone coming out onto the next balcony over but I was in a state of mind where I didn’t even mind.  He was a lanky fellow, had to be over six and a half feet tall, with a pale complexion and a missing eye; but he was impeccably dressed and seemed to be surveying the street below with a practiced eye.

“Good morning My Lady, I wasn’t aware that anyone had reserved the suite next to mine.”

“Good morning Sir, I just came in last night from the countryside, there’s a bit of trouble out there you know.”

A mild harrumph “There’s a bit of trouble here in town as well.  You seem to have forgotten to get dressed madam.”

I dropped him a sassy wink “Oh, I didn’t forget anything, the breeze is good for the skin you know.  You have the bearing of a man just back from the front unless I miss my mark, and I don’t often miss my mark, if I do say so myself.”

This elicited a surprised/interested look “Very astute.  I was on the southern coast attending to some matters.”

“Navy man?”

“No, special operations.”

“Oh, how mysterious, are you a spy mister . . .”

“Stutr, Eramus Stutr.”

“Lady Elsa von Stroheim”

I held my hand out and with a wry smile he mimed kissing it from across the empty air between the two balconies.

“Charmed.  I wouldn’t be very much of a spy if I went around telling people that I was a spy now would I be?  Let’s just say that I’m a Royal Observer.”

“And what would you say you observed down south?  Have we won the war yet?”

“Not yet, but we will of course, just ask the Queen’s Messengers – they’ll tell you we win all the wars, even the ones we lose,  I believe it was written into law some years ago.  The Kingdom doesn’t lose wars so it goes without saying.”

“Well that’s a relief, one wonders why other nations insist on fighting against us when the outcome is predetermined.  Seems like it would save everyone a lot of trouble if they just capitulated.”

Another amused smile “Troublemakers that’s what they are, unwilling to see reason.”

“That has to be quite a disappointment, you come back from bravely doing spy things on the front lines – sabotaging supply lines and stealing documents and seducing foreign ladies and what not – for a little rest and relaxation and you end up in the middle of a riot.  Or a rebellion.  Or a coup, did they ever decide which it is?”

“I don’t think they have yet, but they seem to be closing in on it.  I think in the end it will be labeled a misunderstanding.  But yet, I am rather put out, I came here seeking a cure to an ailment I picked up on the coast and instead I’ve been stuck here.”

“You look hale and hearty to me.”

“Would that it were so, some foul foreign air has settled in my lungs, I can’t get my wind like I used to.”

“It’s a shame to see such a stalwart fellow cut down in the flower of his manhood by ill humors.”

He chuckled “The flower of my manhood is long gone, but you’re kind to flatter an old warhorse.  You said that you came in from the countryside, what manner of troubles are you experiencing out there?”

I waved a hand airily “Oh you know how it is, when there’s rioting in the streets the countryfolk get all riled up as well – bandits and highwaymen and such.  One of my maids was carried off by brigands just the other day.  I sent some men at arms out to rescue her of course, but it turns out that these particular mountebanks were all of a certain way if you know what I mean – the rescuers had more to worry about with their virtue than the maid did if you catch my drift.”

I waggled my eyebrows outrageously and he let out a big belly laugh – a woman being ravished, there’s nothing funny about that, but who doesn’t enjoy some good man-on-man sexual assault black humor?  There are not a lot of things to take advantage of with the double standard, but it’s nice when they occasionally come around.

“You’re not like any Lady I’ve ever spoken to Miss von Stroheim.”

“To my parent’s eternal shame, may they rest in peace, that’s probably why I’m still unmarried at my advanced age.  Destined to me a spinster I am.”

He spared a frank look at my bare legs propped up on the railing of the balcony, I’ll say one thing for my new lifestyle, all this walking around really has the old gams in good shape “Oh certainly, I’m getting a very spinster feeling from you My Lady.”

“Stop, you’ll make me blush.”

A droll look came over his long face “I have a feeling it takes quite a bit to make you blush.”

I flicked the remains of my flayleaf cigarillo over the side of the balcony “I can blush like a champion when the situation requires, it’s one of my many gifts.” I poured myself some more sparkling wine “So if you’ve been trapped here what do you do all day?”

“Enforced idleness isn’t something I do well with, mostly I’ve been reading, with occasional forays into conversation with the other guests.”

“Any of them tolerable?”

He shook his head “Not really.”

“How about this Mr. Stutr, being the enterprising fellow that you are,  why don’t you see if you can wrangle us up a couple of horses and we’ll go for a nice afternoon ride in the countryside.”

“Isn’t that where the highwaymen and mountebanks are?”

“Yes, but I’ll have you to protect me.”

He shook his head in mock somberness “That’s a tall order My Lady, what with the city being on lockdown.” A slight frown replaced his playful expression “How did you get into the city last night?”

I raised my glass to him “Simplicity itself my good fellow, I merely sang a song that summoned my giant moth friend Nilufar from the land of dreams and ghosts and she flew me right over the cordon and set me down in the city as gentle as a mother sloth.  Nilufar and I became friends when I stole a boat with two of my friends and the vigilante called Blue Orchid, whose true name I will not reveal.  Things were going pretty well until we ran afoul of a dragon turtle by the name of Beriah and the ship was badly damaged, forcing us to make for the shore of a nearby island.  As luck would have it the island was home to an organization of anti-Royal alchemist traitors who called themselves the Circle of Reeds.  They were manufacturing potions and poisons to sell to the enemies of the Kingdom and also some manner of blue powder that allowed them to somewhat control Beriah. 

The Circle of Reeds had enslaved the local native peoples, being peaceful and technologically primitive they were easy prey for the foul alchemists.  I befriend them and they told me that in a nearby cave was the cocoon of mighty Nilufar who they prayed would emerge and rescue them.  I went to the cave and coaxed Nilufar out of her slumber with the beauty of my singing and she drove Beriah away from the island – for despite her great magnificence and generally peaceable nature she is a protector and a mighty warrior when called upon to defend the innocent.  The alchemists mounted the backs of mind-controlled giant eagles to attack her, but they were no match for Nilufar for she is the Mistress of the Skies.  The alchemists and their treacherous factory were destroyed and the natives were freed.  They wanted me to stay and rule as their goddess but I had to decline for my duty is first and foremost to the Queen and the Kingdom.  Nilufar and I remain fast friends and she comes to my aid whenever I call upon her with my siren song.”

“That’s quite a tale, what did this all happen?”

“Yesterday morning, it was quite a day, so you can see why I need a little respite.”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 27,817 platinum, 44,859 gold

XP: 635,101

Inventory: Flask of Endless Sake, Hat of Effortless Style, Ring of Disguise, Badge of Last Resort, Stone of Good Luck, Tankard of the Drunken Hero,  Censer of Dreams,  potions of cure moderate wounds (5), potion of invisibility, Enchanted White Pathfinder’s Gear (effects as Iadaran Dress Uniform) Belt of Physical Might +4, Versatile Vest, Campfire Bead, Expedition Pavilion, +1 Human Bane Endless Ammunition Light Crossbow with Sharpshooter’s Blade, Deck of Curses (two cards used), Ring of Urban Grace,  Bewitching Gown, Holy Symbol of Adariel (Sanguine Protection) Black Marketers’ Bag (5), white squirrel fur Slippers of Scampering, Nymph’s Favor, Token of Summoning, Tidy Trunk

Courtier’s Outfit, noble’s outfit (5) collegium ring,  pocketed scarf, wrist sheath, signet ring (2) assortment of fake signet rings, silver chain set with moonstones, gold and emerald ring (2), garnets (700), severed hag head, gold necklace with jade pendant, ivory combs, tax collector’s badge, gold bracelet with ivory inlays, silver necklace set with rubies, gold earrings with jade inlays, silver and gold brooch, silver necklace with ruby pendant, glass vials of something awful (8), disguise kit, covenant ring , tiny diamonds (27), Saryah Phidaner gown, bottle of elfen absinthe, masterwork thieves’ tools, onyx (55)    

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa 

Myam 13 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

Waking up in a bed, in a building, a building that’s not smashed to bits or on fire no less, in a city (well Beresford but close enough) I felt better than I have in a long time.  The mind is a funny thing, you just need a little sense of the familiar and suddenly all the beatings and terror and stabbings and harsh language and bad food and deprivations and ugly people doesn’t seem so awful anymore.  I had the powerful urge to loiter in bed but I was still famished and I didn’t want to miss breakfast so I hurled my grubby sweaty commoner clothes out the window and cleaned myself up as best I could without a bath.  Breakfast was simple fare, eggs and onions wheat porridge but it came with a tea that was tasty as you like, I think it was infused with huckleberry.  However what really made me feel like this was a good day and that everything was going to turn out alright was that in the common room as I ate I saw two youngsters going around pulling the old scam where they were collecting money for the widows and orphans.  It must makes you feel good to see some young go-getters out there fleecing people and trying to make something of themselves.

They were presenting themselves as a brother and sister but the little signs and body language they were putting out there made me lean more towards believing them lovers.  The girl was clearly in charge of the operation which might seem odd to you, but it’s actually the norm when you have a male-female team.   A man who makes his living on the grift usually works alone or with another male pal, they don’t tend to recruit a woman for their two-person cons because obviously they can’t be trusted.  When they do use a lady in their scams she’s usually a prop and often ends up being scammed as well – and usually is  left to take the fall.  A lady scammer is more likely to get her man to go along with her schemes somewhat as a partner but more often just as some muscle, or a handy distraction in case things go wrong.  He was doing his best to keep up but she was the one bringing in the money for “charity”.

There’s an expression that you can’t fool a fooler, which is incorrect, and neither is it exactly true that you can’t work someone who’s paranoid about being taken advantage of because that very paranoia is something you can advantage of, but it is interesting how obvious these scams are once you’ve been around the block a time or two.  Even if you think most people are morons, which I do, it’s strange to be reminded just how susceptible people are even to the simplest of cons.  A pretty girl asks for you’re a couple coins to help out the less fortune?  Most people can’t reach for their money fast enough.  And yet, for all her smiles and dimples if you looked her in the eye, I mean really looked, you’d see a coldness there that would be all the more disturbing for the innocent and sweet package carrying it around.  Unfortunately she misinterpreted my amusement at her antics as interest in being taken in by them and she approached me, smiling sweetly, giving her pitch and holding out her bonnet for the donation.

I smiled back “Well aren’t you just a doll?  I would to love to help out the poor little orphans, but all I have is a gold piece and I need some silver to buy thread at the market.  I don’t want to reach into your funds there, would you be a dear and count me out nine silver and then I’ll put in the gold?”

You can see where this is going, the old short count.  I was mostly just curious if she would fall for it, but there is always something of a charge you get when you swindle a swindler.  I suppose that’s the feeling duelists get when they slice someone’s belly open on the “field of honor”, killing someone normal is whatever, but killing someone who’s a professional killer – now that’s something.  Besting someone at what they’re supposed to be good at is more fun than just getting over on some normal person.  Once all that hoopla was concluded I left the Randy Weasel or whatever that place is called to head to the temple of Odobenine but in short order the pair of con artists accosted me in the street – the girl’s once demure yet alluring face twisted into a mask of rage.

“Gimmie back muh money!”

I smiled as sweetly as she had been before “Why whatever are you talking about?”

She tried to body up on me and I gave her a little shove – and I mean little, I barely touched her, but she was off balance and I just happened to push her at just the right time to send her falling on her ass.  The look of surprise and outrage on her face was almost comical.  You’d thinking that getting knocked on her butt was the worst thing that had ever happened to her.  Her “brother” just stood there with his mouth open like he was seeing a volcano erupt for the first time or something.

“Watch your step dear.”   

I turned to continue on my way, which was probably not the smartest thing to do, but I didn’t expect that she was going to try something out here in the street.  It was early enough that there weren’t a lot of people about, but it’s not like I was in a deserted alley.  The point is before I had taken two steps there was a garrote around my throat and I could feel her on my back like an especially murderous gibbon.  Not that long ago in the grand scheme of things if someone was throttling me like this I would have had no idea what to do.  I would have died most likely.  Violence is an odd thing, when you’re not used to it, when you’re not a violent person, it seems like there’s nothing you can do when someone attacks you.  It’s just a frightening and unusual occurrence that you don’t fight back even if you could, it doesn’t even cross your mind.  A lot of people, well men mostly, think they if someone “tries them” they’ll bow up and get all manly and throw fists, but usually it’s the opposite – instead of raising up on the back legs like a bear they bolt like the cowardly rabbit. 

But once you’ve been around violence and it’s been demystified it’s a different story.  I guess it’s good that I’m no longer in the first camp, but it’s depressing that that’s where my life as lead me.  I would prefer to be the kind of ivory tower type that never has to learn those lessons, but if the alternative is being dead I’m glad I turned out this way instead.  As much as I’ve been banged around and almost killed by this and that and every other damn thing I’m certainly not going to let a teenage girl strangle me to death.  The “brother” had a pained look on his face as if to say “here we go again!” but that didn’t stop him from coming forward to grab my arms.  Fun fact, strangling someone is much better accomplished with two, although he would have been much better served to go for the legs.  But he didn’t so it was a swift and blinding knee to the crotch for him.  Once he was down on the ground, since his “sister” was conveniently providing me with a post I favored him with a double stomp to the chest as well – which is never a bad idea.

Next I stepped back to put my foot back behind her foot, calf to calf, and then with a quick snap forward she was on the ground again and I was unwrapping her knotted cord from around my neck.  If someone is trying to choke you you may be tempted to arch your back but don’t – if you lean back, you lose your balance, which is bad.   Fighting is a lot more about balance than you might think.  Once I had the cord in hand I whacked her in the noggin with it as she was flounder to get up.

“You walk around with this thing?  Do you want people to think you’re a murderer?  If you want to strangle people at least do it with a scarf.  I knew a gal once who had a string of beads that was specially modified . . .”

She came to her feet with a small blade in her hand, but by this point the few people that were out on the street were gathering around and/or paying rapt attention – there’s nothing that gathers a crowd like a catfight. 

I chuckled “You are a vicious little polecat aren’t you?  You want to stab it out in front of all these people buttercup?  We should at least charge admission if that’s what’s going to happen.  You know how rare a lady knife-fight is?  I saw one once in Bürstner but that was . . .”

Seeing that she had an audience she and her boyfriend beat feet, at which point one of the brave looky-loos came forward to ask me what was going on.

“Oh nothing really just a little family dispute, you know how kids get in their teenage years, rebellious and all.  My daughter’s a good girl, really she is, but she’s still in that phase where she tries to solve all her problems by stabbing.  You have kids, you know what I’m talking about right?  She’s pretty as a picture though, and I’m looking for a good match for her.  Do you have a son perhaps?  A son that doesn’t freak out about a little cut here and there?”

He must not have because her hurried away as if the boogedyman was on his heels.  After that little dust-up I made my way to the nice part of town and to the fortress-bank-temple of the Odobeninians where in short order after providing the number and passphrase Corune gave me I was back in possession of my possessions.  I was surprised to see that absolutely nothing was missing since it was in the hands of the Church of Greed and all, but I suppose their ability to sell their services as a storing place for valuable goods wouldn’t really be viable if they were skimming off the top.  Smart greed knows that you make more money in the long run playing it straight.  Sort of.  I was also somewhat shocked to remember the sheer volume of magic crap I’ve accumulated, not to mention the friggin’ fortune I’m sitting on.  I could retire right now and live out the rest of my days in luxury, but I cannot – not until the Duke and all the rest get what’s coming to them.  The black and white and gold robed attendant asked me if there was anything else that the servants of the Lord of Coin would help me with.

“Actually yes, a couple things, first off since the town is in a bit of disarray the markets are probably not up and running at their usual clip I was wondering if you’d be interested in purchasing a few items.”

“We’re not a mercantile madam, we occasionally buy and sell premium goods but we’re not a clearinghouse for . . . shall we say, items discovered.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t waste your time with mundane items I’m talking purely about arcane objects.”

“I can direct you to our procurement office, what else did you have for us today ma’am?”

I fished the receipt from the Bowcrag Odobeninians out of my Bag and presented it to her. “I’d like to cash in on this credit.”

“I’ll have to verify this in our records, but that should be no problem, what services were you thinking about requesting?”

“I’m not sure, I just kind of want to use this thing and stop worrying about it.  What’s on the menu?  So to speak.”

“Aside from religious observations of course we offer our banking and investment services as well as spellcasting for hire.”

“Tell me about this spellcasting.”

“Well we have a large number of acolytes on hand at all times for minor healing spells and blessings and the senior staff are available on appointment for more advanced magical rituals.”

“But what can you do?”

“That’s an extremely broad question ma’am, many things are possible with magic, there’s thousands of different manifestations we can call upon from our Lord.”

“Are any of them actually useful?”

“I don’t follow you ma’am.”

“Can you make me immune to physical blows?”

“No ma’am.”

“Can you curse my enemies?”

“We only offer legal services ma’am, placing curses is prohibited by law.”

 “Which means you don’t do it or it costs more?”

“We only offer legal services ma’am.”

“Okay, what about this – people seem to jump out of brushes and alleyways and off bridges and such to ambush me all the time – I can’t really rely on normal bodyguards because of the inherent trust problems there.  Can you summon a genie to protect me?”

“Genies aren’t real ma’am.”

I snorted “Are you fucking kidding me?  Vampires and wolf-whales and malicious tree stumps and varcolacs and wendigos and every other damn thing is real but genies are made-up?  Where do all these wishes people make that backfire on them come from then?” 

“I couldn’t say ma’am, but for the amount of credit you have we can certain bind an outsider in a token that will allow you to summon it when needed.”

“Outsider?  What do you mean?”

“A creature from another plane of existence.”

“Like a demon or an angel?”

“We don’t deal with those fanatics in our church ma’am, but yes, creatures of a similar planar nature.”

I have no clue what that means but I agreed anyway and she led me to another part of the temple where I met with the procurement priest.  Normally I’m used to the process of buying and selling being a lively affair – the chatter and excitement of the marketplace, the give and take of bargaining, the random insults and pickpockets – but this was a dull affair indeed.  The procurement priests examined everything in depth, often casting spells upon the items, and then consulted with various ledgers and books and receipts that were stored in a massive catalog behind him.  And even when he did want something the price was the price, there was no bartering.  Those hours were undoubtedly the most boring of my life.  So far anyway. 

After surviving that brush with almost being bored to death (the obscene amount of money I walked away with helped) there were a few hours left before dark so I had the good folks at the Temple of Consecrated Covetousness refer me to a local craftmage, for a fee of course.  When I went to visit him his assistant kindly told me he was available by appointment only, which I was granted immediately by way of a hefty handful of gold.  I’ve only met a couple craftmages but this one seemed to be different in the sense that he wasn’t stark raving mad – he just seemed like a guy who made magic stuff for money.  Go figure right? I told him what I wanted and he said that definitely possible and would take about a week but that he had other projects in the line in front of mine.  Although mine jumped to the head of the line quickly when I started dumping gold out on his table.  I do so appreciate a man who knows how the world works. 

With a hard day’s work under my belt I found the most extravagant lodgings in the good part of town – Crux Ansata – and rented out a suite for the next week.   The amount of money I handed over would have been eye-opening on any other day, but today was quite the day. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 27,817 platinum, 44,659 gold

XP: 635,101

Inventory: Flask of Endless Sake, Hat of Effortless Style, Ring of Disguise, Badge of Last Resort, Stone of Good Luck, Tankard of the Drunken Hero,   Censer of Dreams,  potions of cure moderate wounds (5), potion of invisibility, Enchanted White Pathfinder’s Gear (effects as Iadaran Dress Uniform) Belt of Physical Might +4, Versatile Vest, Campfire Bead, Expedition Pavilion, +1 Human Bane Endless Ammunition Light Crossbow with Sharpshooter’s Blade, Deck of Curses (two cards used), Ring of Urban Grace,  Bewitching Gown, Holy Symbol of Adariel (Sanguine Protection) Black Marketers’ Bag (5), white squirrel fur Slippers of Scampering, Nymph’s Favor, Token of Summoning

Courtier’s Outfit, Noble’s outfit (5) collegium ring,  pocketed Scarf, wrist sheath, signet ring (2) assortment of fake signet rings, silver chain set with moonstones, gold and emerald ring (2), 700 garnets, severed hag head, gold necklace with jade pendant, ivory combs, tax collector’s badge, gold bracelet with ivory inlays, silver necklace set with rubies, gold earrings with jade inlays, silver and gold brooch, silver necklace with ruby pendant, glass vials of something awful (8), disguise kit, covenant ring , tiny diamonds (27), Saryah Phidaner gown, darkwood lute, masterwork buckler, bottle of elfen absinthe, assorted jewelry, masterwork thieves’ tools, onyx (55)    

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa 

Behind the curtain – Ela hit level 15, taking another level of Rogue.  She took Extra Rogue Talent yet again and Another Day for that talent.  I must love Rogue talents more than everyone else because almost every stat block I see they’re using the talents that basically trade for feats which I find lame.  I guess it’s probably just to make the stat block easy, like how it seems they give half the NPCs and monsters in the world Alertness which is also lame but it’s one less thing you have to think about as the GM.

Myam 12 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar) Part 4

The scouts led us back to a small military encampment a few miles outside of town from which several other military style camps could be seen.  I could see also the former camp of the Alliance of Barons (Baron’s Alliance?  I forget which) which was one third burned up tents, one third churned up ground, and one third ruined farmhouse.  Once the honored holy woman was safely installed under the care of the unit’s healer, medics I guess they call them in the army because they need a different name for everything lest you forget you’re in the army, I asked what exactly was going on but no one seemed inclined to tell me. 

It’s interesting how differently you get treated based purely on your clothing – dress extravagantly and people answer your questions, dress plainly and you get ignored most of the time.  Eventually I pestered them enough to be directed to a brusque sergeant who told me, in barely politer terms, that I could either wait with my friend or get the Hells out of his camp.  When I mentioned that I was famished I was pointed to the supply area where I found a bald fellow as round as a boulder with a massive droopy white mustachio that went past his collarbone.  He was stirring a massive rusty iron pot with the handle of a spear.  He eyeballed me suspiciously as I approached.

“I didn’t know we had camp followers now.”

I forced a phony laugh “Ah, fake laugh hiding real pain.  The dude said I could have something to eat.  Do you have anything?”

He grinned like a maniac and held out the butt of his spear, dripping with some kind of pinkish slurry “Here, have a lick.”

I laughed again “Oh man, I am going to get such a migraine tonight from not stabbing you in your fat guts.”

He joined me in fake laughing “I’ve broken farts bigger than you girl.”

As we laughed and laughed I reached into my Haversack and tossed a handful of coins at his feet.  His eyes instantly turned from menacing to avarice.  Avariciousness?  Avaricity?  Whatever, he wanted the money.

“I want something good.”

As if by magic, before all the coins had even stopped rattling around on the hard ground, a fellow basically somersaulted out of nearby tent as he pulled on his military jacket and slapped on his hat.  He came to his feet breathlessly, not a bad looking fellow aside from his hedge-like eyebrows and unshaven stubble.  The Walrus snorted and went back to his unhygienic stirring as the newcomer swept up all the coins with one arm – which was pretty impressive.  His attempt to turn the sweep into a bow was less impressive, but it’s the thought that counts.  He had the oily voice of a market huckster. 

“Sergeant Major Rideout ma’am, at your service – folks call me Quarters.”

I raised an eyebrow slightly “Because you’re the Quartermaster?”

His laugh was even more fake than mine had been “You’re a smart one isn’t you?  I tell that right off the jump.” He made a move to put a guiding hand on the small of my back the way men do sometimes and I batted it away, which didn’t bother him in the least “Come, let’s get you something decent to eat, not the hogslop this old goat brews up.”

He took me around to a tent that was set up against the back of the tent he had rolled out of – the two being mated together in a way that I am certain is not military standard.  I figured a man like this would have a decent stash, but I was surprised when he brought out a steamed partridge, salted crayfish and even a halfway decent fig pie along with some high quality gin.  I don’t care much for gin, but quality is quality.

“If you had some brandy, rum, freshly-squeezed orange juice, lemon juice, and some almond syrup to add to this gin it would be almost drinkable.”

He laughed and yakked on for a while about the trouble with getting good supplies during wartime and then proceeded to flounder for several minutes while he tried to come up with a way to say “where did you get that money?” without making it sound like he wanted to know or give offense.

“Good Gods man you’re going to sprain your tongue if you beat around the bush anymore.  You tell me what’s going on in the city and I’ll tell you where I got the money.”

Quarters talked at length about what was going on in Beresford, fifty percent of which was total bullshit, but the things that appeared to be true were that Baron Redmynd had restored some order the city with the help of the Royal army and some kind of new minions of the Queen herself.  The Bride’s Rebellion was still smoldering and Mayor Haldmeer has been deposed, bringing back into power – and by power I mean being Redmynd’s puppet – a former mayor who had themselves been deposed by Haldmeer.  This was all just until Baron Juost showed up though, for it seems whatever kind of coup the Baron Alliance of Barons was up to was abandoned for the time being and they were trying to make nice with Juost.

“What’s did the mayor do to get himself deposed?”

Quarters laughed, legitimately “Oh, I suppose they’ll figure out what to charge him with later.  Or maybe they won’t even bother, maybe he’s going to just disappear.”

“I don’t know how to feel about that.”

“You were acquainted with his mayorship?”

“Our paths crossed a time or two.  So is it safe to enter the city now?” He held up his hand and fluttered it in the universal gesture for ‘kinda’.  “I bet a crafty young buck like you probably knows how I could get into the city safely.”

He grinned like a goblin in a nursery “I might could, but I believe first you were going to tell me where you found that coin.”

“You know I was going to make up a story about finding it in a jelly jar hidden in a farm a few miles away, it was going to be a whole thing – it would have been a pretty good story too, sent you out on a wild adventure for nothing.  But the fact is that I’m just fabulously wealthy.  I’m just traveling incognito.”

He started to say something, clearly thinking that I was joking, but I took one of the petite diamonds out of my Haversack and flicked it his way.  He snatched it out of the air and his eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw what it was. His ears turned beet-red the way some men’s do when they’re supremely aroused.

His voice was a whisper “Is this real?”

“It’s as real the nose on your face.  Now, how are you going to get a fabulously wealthy and charming lass like myself into the city safe and sound?”

That would have to wait until nightfall as is tradition, it’s poor form to sneak into a town during the daylight, so I spent the few hours until sundown watching Quartermaster Rideout do very little work and a lot of insulting his underlings and gambling.  In particular he had an assistant with short spikey hair that looked like she was merely a teenager that seemed to perpetually be the object of his contempt and ire despite the fact that she seemed to be doing all his actual work.  Or maybe because of that fact, Quarters clearly wasn’t a man who appreciates hard work.  He mentioned at least three times that she had been conscripted into the army because of her thievery and how low this made her.

I smiled, looking around at this tent full of misappropriated goods “I know what you mean, there’s nothing more despicable than someone who doesn’t know how to steal the right way.”

I joined in a few of his card games, but he quickly banned me once it because obvious I was much better at cheating than he was so I spent the bulk of the late afternoon relaxing and occasionally petting a stray bi-colored forest cat that wandered around the camp.  Once it started getting dark I found the tent where they had installed her holiness and ducked in.  Even though we had only been here a few hours she looked much better – still wan and pathetic but no longer like each breath might be her last.

“You’re looking . . . well.”

She sighed wearily “What do you want Ela?

“Yes, you are welcome for me saving your life, oh sorry, I thought you said thank you.  I’m going into town, are you going to tell me what I need to know to get my stuff back from the Church of Greed like you said you would?”

She nodded slightly “I will, unlike you I keep my word.”

“That’s good to know since you swore you were going to murder me this morning.”

She gazed at me coolly “Yes, I did.”

She told me a string of numbers to remember and a passphrase and that was it – I left and probably won’t see her again until she tries to kill me.  You know, the usual farewell for me.  A few hours after dark Rideout and I rode out of the camp and were met in copse of trees by none other than Imma Shadowrun, I’d recognize those ornate riding boots and incongruous diamond pendant anywhere – not to mention her haystack of a hairstyle.  She clearly didn’t remember me, but then she only saw me once for about ten seconds so I guess I can excuse that.  She was accompanied by some shady types and they traded various goods and sacks with Quarters before he informed them they were to sneak me into the city.  Although maybe sneak isn’t the right word since that conjures images of secret tunnels and codewords and hidden staircases and the like – all this trip needed to be successful was a guardsman that had been bribed and we were in.

Once we hit the city streets Shadowrun and her people left to do whatever it is smugglers do without saying a word and I was on my own.  It felt good to just have a cobblestone street under my heels again. Just walking around Beresford in the night made we feel at home. We were in the northern part of the southwest part of town which seemed to be mostly unscathed from the rioting and fighting. I found the first inn I could that had any open rooms,  I didn’t catch the name but the sign seemed to be a weasel wearing lady’s undergarments, and paid the clearly inflated prices they were charging for a simple room.  It was worth being gouged though to finally be in an urban area sleeping in a bed again.    

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 53,762 gold

XP: 631,901

Inventory:  Courtier’s Outfit, Noble’s outfit (5), Artisan’s outfit, collegium ring, Deadly Kiss (dagger) Belt of Incredible Dexterity +2, Endless Efficient Quiver, Handy Haversack, +4 Armored Coat, Sergeyevna Kostornaia’s Light Crossbow, Flask of Endless Sake, Hat of Effortless Style, masterwork disguise kit, covenant ring,  Ring of Disguise, Ring of Jumping, Walking Stick (Rod of the Viper), map, Badge of Last Resort, Healer’s Satchel, tiny diamonds (27)  Headband of Alluring Charisma +2, Ring of Protection +2, Saryah Phidaner gown, Crown of Conquest, signet ring, Stone of Good Luck, Onyx (55), Tankard of the Drunken Hero,  Altar of Adariel,  Cauldron of Brewing, Censer of Dreams, Bowl of Conjuring Water Elementals, Companion Mirror,  darkwood lute, +3 buckler, celestial shirt, +1 Frost Demonbane Shortsword, potions of cure moderate wounds (5), potion of invisibility, +2 mithral chain shirt, masterwork buckler, +2 falcata, ring of protection +2, 120 gp, ring of sustenance , bottle of elfen absinthe, assorted jewelry, noble’s outfit, signet ring, dust of tracelessness, scroll of knock; +1 hand crossbow, cloak of resistance +1, ring of protection +1, masterwork thieves’ tools

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa 

Myam 12 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar) Part 3

I wonder what the next person who comes down this road is going to think when they find the poison -bloated corpse of Mr. Curly Hair stark naked in the middle of the road.  Probably they’ll assume he ran afoul of highwaymen and count themselves lucky that it’s not them dead there.  I wonder how long before someone will bother to bury him, if ever.  And of course he may not even be dead, he may survive.  And what then?  What will he do?  Where will he go?  Will his life be irrevocably changed forever by this random encounter with a charming yet cunning stranger?  Or will it just be a bump on the road of a life full of misadventure and wild escapades that will disappear in the haze of tavern-booze?  These are the kinds of things you think about when you’re pushing a nearly-dead woman down a rutted path in a wheelbarrow that would need several upgrades to be considered a piece of garbage. 

As I predicted the cold of last night vanished like a tiny cake at tea party and before you knew what hit you it was stifling hot.  And the worse part was there was nary a breeze to be spoken of – the heat just sat on your chest like a massively obese furry cat.  After less than an hour of pushing that damn barrow I was soaked through as thoroughly as if I was underwater.  Corune is heavier than she looks.  After a while I started singing to myself as a way to keep my spirits up a little.  I’ve heard that’s something that laborers do when they labor.  I suppose it’s just a way to relieve boredom.  I tried to think back to some of the harvest and sewing songs that I had heard when I was a child but they remained tauntingly out of reach – just a few fragments of melody.  So instead I sang what I knew.  I don’t suppose singing arias while you’re pushing a wheelbarrow is exactly the tradition but it got the job done – the job of making something unbearable merely intolerable. 

After another couple of hours Corune’s eyes fluttered open, probably buoyed by the healing power of my fantastic voice.  Or possibly she was just wakened by the sweat dripping off my chin onto her face as I leaned into my work.  But most likely the first thing.  She asked for a drink in a trembling voice and I made to pass her what was left in the flask I took off the geezers, but her hand was shaking so badly that in the end I held it to her lips to drink.  It was a repulsively intimate act.  She immediately started coughing.

“What was that?”

“Corn liquor, I figured it’s time you graduated from rice wine.  Besides, the hard stuff is good for you when you’re sick.  I helps relieve sore throat, muscle pain, congestion and thickens the blood.”

“Is thick blood good?”

“Thin blood is bad so it stands to reason doesn’t it?  I’m glad you’re awake because I wanted to run something by you.  I have a confession to make.  Just moments ago I shot a man and had my magic stick turn into a snake and bite him.  He came upon me when I was in a state of undress and I felt that my actions were justified under the circumstances but I’m sure this probably is murder under the law.  I wanted to confess that to you since that’s your thing.  Inquisiting and getting confessions and so forth.  I was thinking though, murder – that’s a serious crime for sure – how serious depends on how rich you are and how rich your victim is but it’s nothing to sneeze at regardless.  Metaphorically speaking of course on account of there’s that sneezing judge in Aldreban.  But when you think about it from a moral perspective as bad as murder is slavery is worse right?   If you kill a person there may be ramifications there, a family without a bread-winner, loss of consortium, emotion stuff, they may have had a valuable skill that helped society, but maybe they didn’t have any of those things.  Maybe they were a born in the cradle, dyed in the wool, first rate asshole and them being dead makes the world objectively a better place .  So there’s some nuance there.  I mean clearly people kill all the time and its fine in wars and executions and gladiatoring and so on.

But slavery?  That has to be the worst crime imaginable wouldn’t you say?  Taking a life away, that’s serious for sure, but taking away someone’s freedom?  Whoo buddy is that some evil shit.  Right?  If you kill someone their suffering is over, they’re gone, on to the next life, go with the Gods – if all this Heaven stuff is true getting killed may be the best thing that ever happened to them.  But taking another human, or Halfling, or orc or whatever and taking away their ability to decide for themselves?  That has to be the number one worst thing anyone can ever do wouldn’t you agree?  I mean just consider this – if you go to war and you murder a lot of people you’re a hero.  You get money and prestige and people kiss your ass and it’s great – because you were the best at killing.  But slavers?  No one likes slavers.  No one.  Not even the people that want slaves.  They still look at the slave sellers like they’re scum on the tip of their boot because they know, even they know even though they’re part of it , that slavery is the worst thing that can happen to someone. 

I know what you’re probably thinking – well at least the slave still has a chance to get away and not be a slave, when someone’s dead you’ve taken away all they have and all they’re ever going to have.  Which may be a good point.  Obviously most slaves don’t kill themselves so being a live slave must be better than being dead, but you’re talking about the aftermath there not the act – the act of taking a life against the act of making someone’s life as horrible as possible.  Have you ever heard anyone refer to slavery as the fourteenth Hell?  That’s clever don’t you think?  It kind of says it all right?  A murder, they might go to the Hells, but slavery IS one of the Hells.   Colloquially speaking of course.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Just something I was thinking about.  Because you see I may have killed that man back there, but you know what I’ve never done?  I’ve never had any part of anyone being enslaved.  Not in any way.  But you know what occurred me?  Slavery is legal in Ulpine, you should know you were a slave there, but later on when the church took you in you were going around enforcing the law right?  And slavery was the law right?  I’m just curious, before you came here, in Ulpine, what kind of criminals were you chasing.  I mean here I know that you’re hot on the ass of dangerous people like myself, but in Ulpine I’m just afire with curiosity about what you and your Vultur friends were up to.  If I remember your story correctly you said that church took you from the family that owned you because they didn’t treat you the way a slave was supposed to be treated – not because slavery is wrong and they we setting you free.   What does Lawful Vultur, Vultur the Lawgiver think about slavery?  It’s perfectly legal in Ulpine right, as long as you follow the rules.”

“What are you insinuating?”

“Oh I’m just wondering about what you did in Ulpine lo those many years ago.  As much as you scream at me when I say it you’re a bounty hunter, a bounty hunter with divine inspiration and backing if that makes you feel better, but a bounty hunter nevertheless.  And I know that the main thing bounty hunters do in a place where slavery is legal is hunt down escaped slaves – they’re criminal after all right?  I’m just wondering if you and your Vultur pals were riding around on horses looking all dashing in your blue greatcoats and grabbing up slaves running for the border with nets and lassos and shit.  Some of you Vultur people put me on a wagon once that had shackles built into it and I thought it seemed familiar – I saw a picture of a thing like that in a book about slavery I read.  Makes sense, there’s no slavery here in the Kingdom, not legally anyway so why not repurpose some of the old slave-catching gear huh?  No reason to let equipment go to waste.  Isn’t there even a god of slavery?  Kerendis maybe is his name?  Are he and Vultur pals or is it just a working relationship?”

“You shut your mouth!”

“I don’t hear a denial coming out of you.”

“Slavery is an abomination, the laws of Ulpine have been twisted by the corruption of selfishness.  The selfishness of people like YOU!  If . . .”

“No, you can’t talk your way out of this by trying to turn it around on me.  You are a believer in the law right, and in Ulpine slavery is the law.  So tell me, what did you do in obedience to your Lord Vultur and the Law?  If you tell me you just did nothing, you hated it but you could do nothing about it, that’s fine – one person can’t fight an entire nation.  But if you tell me that you were out there, riding around, chasing down slaves making a run for their lives, for their freedom – and you caught them and you dragged them back in chains.  Well, if you tell me that that pretty much says it all doesn’t it?”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“And yet you’ve just said so very much haven’t you?  I can understand now why you get so upset about me telling a fib or two because you’re way up there on the high road aren’t you?  It’s an interesting theological question isn’t it?  When you die, which could be soon as sick as you are, will you go to heaven because of Vultur love or will you suffer the eternal torments of the Hells for placing innocent people in bondage?”

Later in the day as Beresford was growing larger before us we encountered a patrol of Royal soldiers.  They seemed intent on passing us by, but I was able to flag them down.  Despite my charms they seemed resolved to leave us to our devices, but once I told them that Corune was a priestess and that she was in serious need of medical attention they changed their minds in a hurry.  The leader was certainly interested in helping us but he was still somewhat skeptical.

“She doesn’t look like a priestess of Adariel exactly.”

“I had to change her clothing to something less conspicuous, her vestments were drawing too much attention.  Things are pretty bad out here in the countryside sir, there are those godless heathen types who not only would take advantage of a holy woman but specially would take pleasure in the act.  I assure you, she’s a woman of the cloth and dedicated to her divine calling above all else.  You’re going to find no more devoted and faithful priestess than her, I guarantee you that.”

My impassioned plea had the desired effect and moments later we were mounted up with the soldiers, leaving the decrepit wheelbarrow behind.  Obviously it would be inappropriate for us to ride double with them so two of the soldiers doubled up while I took the reins of one of their fine military steeds.  After enduring their instructions on how to ride, military scouts are good riders of course but I bet I could out ride most of them, they carefully levered Corune up behind me – making sure now to put their hands anywhere unsuitable as they manhandled the holy priestess and tied her to the saddle since she was too weak to hang on.  She had enough strength to whisper in my ear though.

“I’m going to kill you some day Ela.”

“That sounds illegal to me, but I guess you’re the expert.”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 53,775 gold

XP: 631,901

Inventory:  Courtier’s Outfit, Noble’s outfit (5), Artisan’s outfit, collegium ring, Deadly Kiss (dagger) Belt of Incredible Dexterity +2, Endless Efficient Quiver, Handy Haversack, +4 Armored Coat, Sergeyevna Kostornaia’s Light Crossbow, Flask of Endless Sake, Hat of Effortless Style, masterwork disguise kit, covenant ring,  Ring of Disguise, Ring of Jumping, Walking Stick (Rod of the Viper), map, Badge of Last Resort, Healer’s Satchel, 28 tiny diamonds,  Headband of Alluring Charisma +2, Ring of Protection +2, Saryah Phidaner gown, Crown of Conquest, signet ring, Stone of Good Luck, Onyx (55), Tankard of the Drunken Hero,  Altar of Adariel,  Cauldron of Brewing, Censer of Dreams, Bowl of Conjuring Water Elementals, Companion Mirror,  darkwood lute, +3 buckler, celestial shirt, +1 Frost Demonbane Shortsword, potions of cure moderate wounds (5), potion of invisibility, +2 mithral chain shirt, masterwork buckler, +2 falcata, ring of protection +2, 120 gp, ring of sustenance , bottle of elfen absinthe, assorted jewelry, noble’s outfit, signet ring, dust of tracelessness, scroll of knock; +1 hand crossbow, cloak of resistance +1, ring of protection +1, masterwork thieves’ tools

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa 

Myam 12 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar) Part 2

I dragged Corune back into the wheelbarrow – even through her clothing her skin felt ice cold.  If I didn’t see her breathing I would have sworn she was dead already.  Before setting off I poked around in the pockets of the three dead geezers to see if they had anything edible but all I found was a flask of grain alcohol.  Normally I would turn my nose up at that but I’m starting to get pretty sick of rice wine, besides its grain right, so drinking it is as good as eating bread.   Right?  I threw back a goodly amount of the flask and started dragging Corune’s worthless hide over the difficult terrain back to the road without the ancient barrow falling apart in the process.  By the time I managed to get to the road the sun was up and it had all the earmarks of being a scorching hot day – because why wouldn’t it be unseasonably warm right after a night that was the coldest in fifteen years? 

Not wanting to sweat through my good clothes (which weren’t in that great of shape at this point anyway but you know) I decided to change into my commoner clothing.  So of course halfway through the process I heard a voice.

“Now that’s a right pretty picture.”

I turned towards the voice and saw a smirking fellow with a mop of curly black hair that worked with some bushy sideburns to frame his eminently punchable face.  He was a good head shorter than me at least and was wearing respectable clothing aside from the fact that he had a row of knives on each leg and more in his belt and on top of that several pieces of jewelry and adornment that were also shaped like knives.  Add to this a blue sash and a red cape and you know what kind of fellow we’re dealing with.

“I’ll be with you in a moment.”

He smarmed smarmily “Don’t hurry on my account.”

“Hasn’t anyone else told you it’s not polite to sneak up on a lady?”

“Certainly, but it’s ever so much fun.”

“Fair enough, most of what we’re told in our lives is designed to keep us from having fun.  What’s the old saying?”

He chuckled “There is no pleasure in having nothing to do, the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.”

“No, I was actually thinking of another saying ‘ow, there’s a crossbow bolt in my chest’.”

He frowned “What?”

Having finished dressing I pulled out my crossbow and fired at him.  I give him this – he’s got some good reflexes, he dove out of the way and to the dirt as the bolt flew past.  That takes some real speed so duck out of the way after the shot, especially at that range.  The key to dodging is normally anticipating and moving before but this fellow was able to get out of the way even taken unawares.  He flipped the cape away from his face, which had flown over his head during the dive, and looked up at me incredulously.

“Are you insane?!”

“I don’t think so, but I was told specifically just a few hours ago that I am, so the jury’s still out I guess.”

I was reloading as I talked and fired again at his prone form, he tried to roll out of the way but I still managed to hit him in the leg – causing him to yelp like a frightened nanny goat.  The pain was nothing compared to the outrage in his voice though as she grabbed at his pant leg.

“How could you, this is Satander Silk!”

“No it isn’t, it’s fake.”

“But it’s a good fake!”

He yelped as I fired again, managing to knock the bolt mostly aside with his cape in what I have to admit was a pretty fancy maneuver.  He scrambled for the wheelbarrowing, putting it between us and hunkering down out of sight – well sort of out of sight, I simply went to one knee and shot under the barrow.  The bolt deflected off the wheel and instead of hitting him in the side came in at a weird angle right through the top of his foot.  He moaned like a woman at her husband’s hanging.

“That was esparga leather!”

“That’s made up.”

“It is not!”

“Trust me, I know all about fashion and I’ve never heard of it.”

He started to retort but I had reached into my secret pocket and produced a silk rope with a grappling hook and swung it around the barrow, hooking him on the leg and giving it a yank – sending him stumbling to the ground. I put my crossbow away and came around the barrow as he was struggling to disengage himself from the rope and get up at the same time and not doing the a great job of either.  I turned my Walking Stick head into a snake and let it strike him on the arm.  He hopped backwards, turned a fall into a roll and came up with a short blade in hand – not a knife amusingly.

“What is wrong with you?!  I was just having a bit of fun.”

“Oh, you know how us women folk are illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional – who knows why we do anything?  You know what I’ve noticed, men have a special power where they can act like a total dick, and then when the woman gets upset they’re able to turn it around and make it seem like she’s the one behaving badly for reacting to what he did.  It’s pretty impressive I have to say.  I know a few tricks myself but that is one that is really something.  Is that something that you’re born with or do your fathers teach you when you’re old enough to shave?”

He warily made a move to half-way put his blade away “Are you going to shoot at me more?”

I tapped my Walking Stick to de-snakify it “No, I already hit you a couple times, and the snake got you so you’re already plenty poisoned, I don’t see the point in shooting you anymore.”

“Poison!”

“Yeah.  What are you doing out here anyway?  Just wandering around looking for women getting dressed?  You’ve got about a minute to live if you want to tell me your story.”

“Do you have the antidote?!

“Sure.” He came forward desperately and I whipped out my dagger “Back off chief.”

He licked his lips like he was trying to decide his chances of overpowering me “How much for the antidote?”

“Hmm, let’s see, how about everything you have.”

His eyes bugged out “Everything?!”

I nodded “Yeah, that seems fair.  I mean you’re going to be dead in a few seconds otherwise right?  So then I get all your stuff anyway.  You seem to be balking through, which I find confusing.  Is your life worth less than the stuff you have on you right now?  That doesn’t make a lot of sense to me because if you die you won’t have it anymore anyway.  Although I guess some Odobenine worshipers believe . . .”

“Fine!”

“Fine what?”

“Fine I’ll give you all my stuff for the antidote.”

“Will you?  I don’t see you doing it.”

As he started dumping out all this possessions on the road before me I saw that he was starting to struggle.  The arm where he had been bitten was clearly in a lot of pain and he was sweating buckets in very short order.  His face, especially the lips, took on a very slack loose look.  As he tossed out more and more things he got that look like someone who’s trying not to vomit.  I’ve been poisoned a few times but I never felt like I was going to throw up.  Then again I’ve only been bitten by snakes three times so what to do know?

“You doing okay over there?”

His voice was shaky “I’m having trouble seeing . . .”

“Yeah, that will happen.”

He started swaying like he might keel over “The p-pain . . .”

“You better hurry up if you want that antivenom.”

“Th-th-that’s all . . .”

“I don’t see how, you’ve still got your clothing.  I believe we agreed on everything.”

“B-b-but . . .”

“Everything.  That’s another strange thing I’ve noticed, people have a very different definitions when it comes to absolutes.  When I say everything I mean everything, I don’t know what you mean.  Get those clothes off.”

I gathered up his possessions, making them my possessions, as he struggled and fumbled to take his clothing off with one hand, the other arm hanging uselessly at his side.  Eventually he collapsed face first into the dirt half nude in a most undignified position.  I crouched down next to him as he labored to breath.

“Well my friend you didn’t quite make it, but I have good news – I fibbed a little bit just then, there is no antidote – so you didn’t fail.  You can take some comfort in that, this was going to be the end either way so you don’t need to be sad, you never had a chance.  That probably means something in the afterlife, let me know if you get a chance.”

His eyes rolled back in his head and he started spasming sharply “Wh-wh-why?”

I stood up and dusted off my hands “Oh, just having a bit of fun you know.”

I’m not sure if he was dead or just unconscious when I stripped his clothes off.  With that done I grabbed the wheelbarrow and started heading down the road to Beresford.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 53,775 gold

XP: 631,901

Inventory:  Courtier’s Outfit, Noble’s outfit (5), Artisan’s outfit, collegium ring, Deadly Kiss (dagger) Belt of Incredible Dexterity +2, Endless Efficient Quiver, Handy Haversack, +4 Armored Coat, Sergeyevna Kostornaia’s Light Crossbow, Flask of Endless Sake, Hat of Effortless Style, masterwork disguise kit, covenant ring,  Ring of Disguise, Ring of Jumping, Walking Stick (Rod of the Viper), map, Badge of Last Resort, Healer’s Satchel, 28 tiny diamonds,  Headband of Alluring Charisma +2, Ring of Protection +2, Saryah Phidaner gown, Crown of Conquest, signet ring, Stone of Good Luck, Onyx (55), Tankard of the Drunken Hero,  Altar of Adariel,  Cauldron of Brewing, Censer of Dreams, Bowl of Conjuring Water Elementals, Companion Mirror,  darkwood lute, +3 buckler, celestial shirt, +1 Frost Demonbane Shortsword, potions of cure moderate wounds (5), potion of invisibility, +2 mithral chain shirt, masterwork buckler, +2 falcata, ring of protection +2, 120 gp, ring of sustenance , bottle of elfen absinthe, assorted jewelry, male noble’s outfit, signet ring, dust of tracelessness, scroll of knock; +1 hand crossbow, cloak of resistance +1, ring of protection +1, masterwork thieves’ tools

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa 

Myam 12 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar) Part 1

After the sun went down the temperature dropped significantly more than usual for sunset.  It wasn’t freezing cold by any means but it was not comfortable by any stretch.  Despite the day of rest Corune didn’t seem to be getting any better, if anything she seemed weaker.  Having nothing to eat probably didn’t help.  I’m no healer but even setting that aside it seemed like there was something else going on – some kind of malaise seemed to have settled over her.  It was like all the vitality had been drained from her.  As the day wore on she seemed more and more listless to the point where she barely responded to my insults anymore.  Once night and the cold set in she started shivering so badly she couldn’t fall asleep.  So of course a few hours later it started drizzling.  Somehow that made things even more miserable that a true driving rain.    

Things were getting pretty grim around the old “campsite” so I thought about trying to get a fire going.  Sunrods normally don’t seem to produce any heat but they’re creating light with some kind of alchemical goo inside so I thought it was worth a try.  Since Corune hadn’t really moved I rolled her over and cut some strips off the back of the trademark blue greatcoat of her dumb order assuming correctly that it would be mostly dry.  I stuck that in my Haversack and gathered the driest wood I could find before dumping out the whole mess and breaking a sunrod over it.  Or trying to anyway, the thing was pretty damn hard to break.  I had to cut it halfway through with my dagger before I was able to finally snap it and pour out the stuff inside – which was mostly powder.  I was expecting liquid for some reason.  It created a few sparks and I saw a tiny flicker of flame, which was encouragement enough to take out the last sunrod and do the same thing.  This got a nice little fire burning and I dragged Corune next to it, covering her with a cloak from my secret pocket even though I knew it would only last a couple of hours.  Maybe that would be enough to get her warm.

About ten minutes later the alchemical goo fizzled and popped and the fire went out.  Out of all the things I’ve seen lately it was one of the more depressing sights to cross my eyes.  I tried to sleep but between the cold and the rain and Corune’s wordless moaning there was no chance.  I was starting to consider kicking her until she shut up when I noticed a tiny glimmer of light in the distance.  Rather than getting up immediately I stared at it spitefully for a long time, I couldn’t tell you why exactly.  You know that feeling when there’s something you should do that you know is going to make things better but for some reason you resent having to do it so you just sulk and get madder and madder?  Yeah.

When I finally did get up and haul myself towards the light the first thing I saw was a wheelbarrow that looked like it was hundreds of years old and all that was holding it together was hope and good intentions.  Even so it was piled high with ramshackle goods and items – junk really.  Amongst the treasures I saw half a broken bedframe, a dozen soiled wigs, pieces of rugs, part of a blanket, the basket of a catapult, some hunks of rotting cheese, a spinning wheel without wheel, loose nails, a cage missing two sides – that kind of stuff.  I would have said this was the cart of a rag and bone man but most of this stuff even a ragman would turn his nose up at.  Coming around the garbage-barrow I found a merrily burning campfire with three shifty older codgers sitting around it.  They were startled by my appearance due to their semi-inebriation and their advanced age although I couldn’t tell you in what proportion. 

They jumped up, well not jumped but creaked, and brandished a variety of “weapons” at me.  One had a chair leg sharpened to a point, another had a hayfork with only one tine left – so a spear maybe – and the third had a broken bottle with cloth wrapped around the neck to make a hilt.  Which means he carries it around like that, which means he’s insane.  I tried to reason with them, I really did, but they were cursing at me and shouting and yelling for me to lay down my weapons – I had no weapons at the time mind you.  I admit that in short order I lost my temper.  My grandmother always told me that if you lose your temper you’ve lost – that you have to stay in control if you want to survive, you can’t let your emotions overrule you reason.  Normally I’m great at that. 

I have every reason to be angry, but you have to hold back that anger.   Because there are consequences to expressing your anger, and because I have an image to maintain, and for a thousand other reasons.  Eventually though, there will be a last straw.  Actually no, I won’t like the straw and the donkey’s back metaphor because that implies that it’s an incremental process and it’s inevitable when neither of those are true.  When it happens it comes out of nowhere and it’s just one thing that makes it happen.  It’s not an accumulation of slights, it’s not that I’ve had all I can stand and I can’t stand no more – it’s like hitting your funny bone, it’s just the wrong touch at the right time in the right place. Do I regret killing those geezers?  Yes, I do.  But honestly, not very much.  Not because it wasn’t wrong, but because it didn’t really matter.

After they were dead I grabbed a stout burning branch out of their fire and carried it back towards Corune but halfway there the fire went out and I hurled the then smoldering stick into the darkness and screamed for a little while.  I was still pretty angry.  Once I calmed down I went back to their camp and dumped all the crap out of their wheelbarrow and used that to convey Corune over the fire instead.  Have you ever tried to carry a person on a wheelbarrow in the dark over rough terrain?  It’s maddening.  It took me almost two hours to travel maybe three hundred yards.  My arms ached so badly I just left Corune in the wheelbarrow by the fire and tossed some of the rug scraps and paper-thin blankets from their pile on her.  I never did manage to fall asleep.  I was too jittery and worked up.

Sometime before dawn I decided to leave.  Why was I even there in the first place?  So of course as soon as I started to walk away Corune miraculously is finally able to stand up and asks me where I’m going.  I could have lied to her, I could have lied to her so easily, told her I was going for help, told her I was just going to take a piss, told her a hundred other things.  And she would have believed me because that’s what I do.  But I didn’t, I told her I was going back to Beresford.  She asked if I was going to leave her there and I told her that I was.  Her voice was frail and frightened.

“I’ll die if you leave me here.”

“Yeah.  Probably.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah.”

She looked like she was holding back tears, not for herself – but for me!

“What happened to you?  What made you this way?”

“That would be very convenient wouldn’t it?  I had a hard childhood or I was mistreated in some way or somehow traumatized and that’s why I ‘act out’.  I find that offensive.  I do what I choose to do because I choose to do it.  I’m not a victim, I don’t replay old horrible shit that happened to me and act on it.  I move on, I get on with my life because I am a Gods damned adult.  One of the few I seem to come across.”

“I need your help.”

“So what?  Nobody ever helped me do a damn thing, I had to do it all myself.  Where would I be if I sat around waiting for someone to help me out?  I’d be dead is where I would be.  Waiting for someone else to save the day is a long wait for a horse that doesn’t show up.  You want to live you need to fight.  Get up and walk to town.  The real question isn’t why won’t I help you now, it’s why did I ever help you?  You were taking me to be tortured to death!  I should have shot you the first moment I saw you.”

“You don’t know what they were going to do.”

“What the FUCK do you think they were going to do?  Have me to dinner?  Serve tea and raspberry tarts?  If they weren’t going to kill me they were going to make me wish I was dead.”

“If you had killed me then you’d be dead too, I saved your life.”

“I would have been fine either way, I would have figured a way out.”

She laughed a laugh so bitter it was hard to even tell it was a laugh “Your ego is astounding.  Until just now I haven’t been able to figure out what’s wrong with you, I couldn’t tell if it was anger, fear, or hatred.  But it’s all three together – pride.  You become angry at anyone who attacks your self-image of perfection, you fear the judgement of others, and you cultivate hate of those who force you to see the unpleasant truths about yourself.  It’s not enough for you to deny the truth when I point it out, you have to silence the source of your frustration with your insults and slander.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me!  You’re the narcissist for thinking that you know better!”

“Tell me this one thing, why do you want revenge on the Duke so badly?”

“He ruined my life.  He tried to kill me but he didn’t even have the balls to do it right, he just left me to die.  You talk about morality, I am morally bound to ruin the Duke for what he did to me.  You claim to love justice so much, what about my justice?  Why aren’t you on my side?  I’m left to administer justice myself because no one else is going to do it.  I’m the one who was wronged.”

“And that’s what it is, not that the Duke did something wrong, but that he had the audacity to damage the foundation of your fragile self-worth.  It’s not that he ruined your life it’s that he beat you – that’s all you care about.”

“You don’t know me, you don’t know anything.  And you have a very strange way of asking for help, if you want me to keep you alive another lecture doesn’t seem like a great way to go.”

“Without me you’re not going to get your possessions back.”

I smiled “And there it is.  You abandon the high ground pretty quickly when your ass is on the line.  Your God, your code, your precious laws it’s a bad joke.  So it’s not about right or wrong huh?  It’s a simple you scratch my back and I scratch yours?  Finally, now we’re getting somewhere.”

“I didn’t abandon anything, I just know who I’m talking to – you’re empty Ela, appeals to a higher purpose are pointless.”

“And yet you keep making them.  What’s that say about you I wonder?  You already told me where my stuff is, I’m sure I can get it back without you.  So that argument doesn’t hold a lot of water.  What else you got?  What else will you bargain with?  What can you offer me to make me save your life?  Money?  Jewels?  Eternal life in Vultur’s heavenly kingdom?  What have you got for me sister?  I’m entertaining all offers.  How badly do you want to live?”

“Not badly enough to listen to you for another second.”

With that she shuffled back and lay down by the fire. 

Funds: 53,775 gold

XP: 628,701

Inventory:  Courtier’s Outfit, Noble’s outfit (5), Artisan’s outfit, collegium ring, Deadly Kiss (dagger) Belt of Incredible Dexterity +2, Endless Efficient Quiver, Handy Haversack, +4 Armored Coat, Sergeyevna Kostornaia’s Light Crossbow, Flask of Endless Sake, Hat of Effortless Style, masterwork disguise kit, covenant ring,  Ring of Disguise, Ring of Jumping, Walking Stick (Rod of the Viper), map, Badge of Last Resort, Healer’s Satchel, 28 tiny diamonds,  Headband of Alluring Charisma +2, Ring of Protection +2, Saryah Phidaner gown, Crown of Conquest, signet ring, Stone of Good Luck, Onyx (55), Tankard of the Drunken Hero,  Altar of Adariel,  Cauldron of Brewing, Censer of Dreams, Bowl of Conjuring Water Elementals, Companion Mirror,  darkwood lute, +3 buckler, celestial shirt, +1 Frost Demonbane Shortsword

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa 

Myam 11 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

Crawling out of the belly of a gluttony (sloth?) demon really took the wind out of Corune’s sails so we traveled no farther yesterday.  I mean I’m the one that killed the demon and I’m fine, but I won’t bring that up.  I dragged/carried/helped her limp off the road and made camp – by which I mean I sat down in the dirt and start drinking from my Flask.  With Corune passed out there wasn’t much for me to do other than catalog the loot that had been hauled out of the demon’s gullet.  The only thing I learned really is that either the aforementioned demon really liked onyx or alternately that maybe onyx is currency in the Hells.  Is there currency on the pits of the damned?  Is there an economy?  Do demons need to eat and sleep and weed their gardens?  For as much religion as people like to shovel around I don’t know much about the Thirteen Hells at all.  The religious types really focus on the eternal torment aspect of the Hells but what goes on there?  Do demons have communities and book clubs and jobs and taxes to pay?  I guess their job is to tempt mortals, or maybe to punish them, it’s unclear. 

Why do demons even exist?  Did the Gods make them?  If so that seems like a real dick move.  If they didn’t where did they come from?  I’ve dealt with a couple demons now and they’re a curious lot.  We’re told that demons are evil desires and thoughts made flesh, beings that feel no kindness, no empathy, no mercy.  Creatures with the singular goal of our destruction, body and soul.  Which is scary, sure, but people have a tendency to overestimate the abilities of things that scare them.  Demons are powerful, some of them anyway, but don’t confuse power with invincibility.  As far as I can tell they’re actually riddled with flaws that can be exploited.  I may write a book about it some day, How to Deal with Demons the Ela Way, that seems like something that people would be interested in, and therefore pay money for. 

One weakness they have, some of them anyway, is that they want to be here.  Makes sense, the Hells are designed specifically to be a drag – who would want to hang out there when you can come here and have food and drink and drugs and pretty baubles and lots of people with entrails to rip out?  So right off the bat they want something even more than they want to kill you – they want to stick around.  Why do you think summoned demons kill their masters so often?  They want to get rid of the person that can send them back.  This place is a vacation for them, they don’t want to go back to their boring maybe jobs tormenting souls.  They want to live and laugh and enjoy the pleasures of the flesh.  So keep that in mind, they have a motivation, and that is a vulnerability.

Another thing is that for all their power many of them seem to be quite stupid.  It stands to reason I suppose, an eighteen foot tall buffalo-demon is made to wreck shit, not to be clever or crafty.  I would liken them, some of them, to a baboon with a lit torch in a straw-house.  Dangerous?  Oh buddy, yeah.  But do they even know what they’re doing?  Maybe not.  Fighting a demon should be your last resort – just keep talking.  And how do you engage them?  It’s pretty simple actually, because they’re not that bright – an appeal to ego or greed does quite a long way.  In addition to torch wielding baboons I would equate them to teenage boys – full of anger and rage and violence but not that hard to manipulate when it comes right down to it.  Flattery goes a long way.

And here’s the other thing, even the ones that aren’t dumb are lazy – and many are both.  Why would they do anything themselves when they can get a moronic cultist to do it?  Or bully a smaller demon into doing it.  Julista of the Thousands Blades would annihilate me if she ever got around to it, but even though she has all eternity she can’t find the time.  So she tells Gurgolock the Ripper of Buttholes to do it, but he’s lazy as well and he tells Achivious the Lord of Kitten Eating to do it and so on and so on until you’re dealing with a demon-snake tricking a bored housewife into trying to kill you with a poison apple.  Which is something that you can deal with.  Or if you can’t then demons are the least of your problems.  I could go on but I don’t want to give too much away, you’ll have to buy the book if you want to know my eight secret steps to defeating demons.  And the ninth secret steps that those fat cats in the church don’t want you to know.  Also I’ll probably never get around to writing it, that sounds like a hassle coupled with a burden.

Left with nothing else much to do I ended up drinking a lot more than I thought and kind of passed out last night, and then not walking up until well past sunrise today even though I was laying on the cold, hard, dirty ground instead of a nice bed.  Corune still wasn’t feeling up to staggering down the road so we just spent the day sitting there not doing a nothing.  Normally I’d give her a hard time about this but she looked like an exhumed corpse so instead I lifted her spirits with my many humorous anecdotes of the old days at court.

“So obviously as it turns out that it wasn’t the soap that was causing the itching and I had the maid beaten half to death for no reason.  You know it’s funny the upper class people prefer their ladies to be smooth and hairless but amongst the lower class a woman without a thick bush is reckoned to be filthy with diseases that made it fall out.  Hence the expression ‘burnt-ass whore’.”

“That story was disgusting and inappropriate.”

“You said you didn’t want to hear any more depressing stories.”

“Are those the only two choices?”

“Yeah, what world do you live in?”

She shook her head tiredly “Do you have anything to eat?”

“No, do you want some more rice wine?”

She put her hand to her temple “No, I’m already feeling woozy.  I think I would really feel better if I had something to eat.  Can’t you shoot something with your crossbow?”

“Probably not, hunting isn’t really in my skill set.  And even if I did I wouldn’t have much of an idea how to make it edible even if we had a fire, which we do not.  Aren’t you an old campaigner out on the trails after justice?  Riding here and there and everywhere after the bad guys.  Don’t you know how to do that stuff?”

“Not really.”

“Well then why are you biting my ass about it?  It’s interesting that you mention that because I’ve been thinking lately, you can always kind of tell someone who grew up with money.  It’s a way they walk, you can see it in the stride, it’s something that just tells you that they’ve never really been hungry.  Not like you and I have been.  When you’re a kid and you worry legitimately that you might not survive because your parents can’t hack it, that does something to you, it changes you.  You walk in a different way.  No matter how good someone is at disguising themselves or impersonation of someone else there’s a difference between someone who always had what they needed and the rest of the world.”

“I saw you in disguise and never knew you grew up poor.”

“That’s because I’m the best.”

“Of course maybe you lied about being poor, you are an awful liar.”

“I’m a fantastic liar actually.  The funny thing about that though is that you can’t ask anyone to vouch for me because I’ve deceived them.  When you’re a great liar no one knows – it’s like being great at keeping secrets, it’s impossible to prove.  I don’t know why you get so bent out of shape about lying anyway.  Lying is what gives people hope.”

“Spare me this again please.”

“No, I’m serious.  People are told that if they’re good and righteous and they stand up for themselves that things will turn out alright.  But they won’t.  Being right doesn’t stop you from being straight up murdered by someone who’s wrong and happens to be big and strong and is wearing thick armor and has a sword.  People are told that one man with a stick defending his home is worth ten knights on horseback and its utter shit.  But you need to tell people that to make them not kill themselves.  If you told them the truth, that you’re weak and a strong person can fuck you up whenever they want people would lose their minds.  It’s like that crap about standing up to a bully, the reason they’re a bully is because they’re faster and tougher and get in fights all the time.  The fact that you’re scrappy and full of courage doesn’t prevent you from getting your ass kicked and your face smashed into the mud.”

She closed her eyes, looking pained “Why do you have to do this?  Why do you have to torment me with your pessimistic views?

“Torment?  I take offense to that, don’t be so dramatic.  What else are we supposed to do?  I’m just making conversation I’m not tormenting you”

“You belittle my beliefs constantly, what else would you call that?”

“Your beliefs are dumb.  Besides what do you care what I think about it?  If you’re so strong in your faith it shouldn’t matter what I say or think.”

“It doesn’t.  It’s just irritating.  Everything is a joke to you.”

“It’s a laugh to keep from crying scenario, but I won’t go into that because I don’t want to hinder your healing with my bad attitude.  Hey, so if I shot a giant grasshopper do you think you could just bite into it and be fine?  I mean you can toss a regular grasshopper in your mouth without it making you sick so are the big ones safe to eat without preparation?”

“I have no idea.”

“One time I was out with the Duke and his court boar hunting, well in theory it was boar hunting mostly we were all getting drunk and frolicking out in the woods – you know the kind of frolicking that I mean.  Anyway, this beast turned up that looked like a combination of a great bear, a porcupine, and like an armadillo or something which a big spikey tail.  It killed all the horses and a dozen grooms and whatnot before it wandered off.”

“Why are you telling me this?!”

“Well if you weren’t always interrupting me I would have gotten to the part where I ate a locust, which is a lot like a grasshopper.”

“Seriously do you have any stories that aren’t horrible?!”

“Well I don’t hear any big amount of uplifting tales coming from your mouth!  It’s like prying open a virgin’s legs to get you to say two words!”

“I don’t feel well!  I almost died!”

“I almost die all the time and I don’t whine about it!” We both fell into a surly silence for a while “I rode a pegasus once.”

“What?”

“I rode a pegasus once out by the Scarlands.  That’s a happy story.”

“Oh.  How was it?”

“It was great.”

“So what’s the story, why were you out there?”

“Uh . . . . so you don’t want me to lie to you and you don’t want the story to be awful?  You’re really kind of tying my hands here.”

She sighed wearily “Forget it.”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 53,775 gold

XP: 628,701

Inventory:  Courtier’s Outfit, Noble’s outfit (5), Artisan’s outfit, collegium ring, Deadly Kiss (dagger) Belt of Incredible Dexterity +2, Endless Efficient Quiver, sunrod (2) Handy Haversack, +4 Armored Coat, Sergeyevna Kostornaia’s Light Crossbow, Flask of Endless Sake, Hat of Effortless Style, masterwork disguise kit, covenant ring,  Ring of Disguise, Ring of Jumping, Walking Stick (Rod of the Viper), map, Badge of Last Resort, Healer’s Satchel, 28 tiny diamonds,  Headband of Alluring Charisma +2, Ring of Protection +2, Saryah Phidaner gown, Crown of Conquest, signet ring, Stone of Good Luck, Onyx (55), Tankard of the Drunken Hero,  Altar of Adariel,  Cauldron of Brewing, Censer of Dreams, Bowl of Conjuring Water Elementals, Companion Mirror,  darkwood lute, +3 buckler, celestial shirt, +1 Frost Demonbane Shortsword

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa 

Myam 10 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

After my first good night’s sleep in what seems like a year and a hearty, if bland and boring, breakfast dished up by the Adarielites Corune and I hit the road to head back to Beresford.  At the advice of some of the Adrinistites we took the road (more of a path really) north, which we were told would jog back over to the west and take us to Beresford.  This should help us avoid the various humungous insects and insect-like creatures that apparently occupy the land we just came through.  Another adventure in walking.  I used to never walk anywhere really, just to the drink tray and back if I felt ambitious – unless I was out riding it was carriages everywhere, even a palanquin once – now it seems like I’ve walked the length and breadth of the world fifty times over.  It’s too bad the church of Strider screwed me over and I had to murder some of their priests – otherwise I think I’d have enough walking under my belt to be their pope by now.  Or at the very least an archbishop. 

“I knew this opera singer once, very famous.  She traveled the world, she sang for the King of Ulpine back when that meant something.  I heard she went across the sea and sang for some foreign emperor.  And this was all relatively early in her career, she was still improving, still learning – she hadn’t yet reached her full potential.  Then a jealous lover punched her right in the face, just hailed off and blasted her.  That side of her face got so swollen that you couldn’t even see that she had an eye, at the time it was one of the more disgusting physical things I had ever seen.  The bruise got infected and the infection spread into her sinuses and all that sludge dripped down into her throat, because of that she developed polyps on her vocal cords and her voice was ruined.  Not just her singing voice, she talked like an old man trying to swallow a lizard made of sand.  After that she traveled the world just as much, looking for a healer or magician or something that could help her.  She drank all kinds of potions and tonics and elixirs and spent a fortune trying to fix herself.  Nothing worked though, probably it made things worse, although it hardly mattered, she was already below what you might call rock bottom.  I’m not exactly sure what happened to her but I heard she involved in a scheme to blackmail a mercenary captain for seventy-six thousand gold and I don’t think anyone saw her after that.  Have to assume she’s dead.  I’m not sure why she thought that blackmailing a professional killer was a good idea but I guess she was broke and desperate at that point.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Just making conversation.  It doesn’t seem like things ever work out for famous opera singers.  That’s what I wanted to be when I was a girl, I guess I dodged an arrow there huh?”

“That’s your idea of conversation?  Do you know any stories that aren’t depressing?

“No.  Here’s the funny thing about that story, now that I’ve been out in the world I bet it would have be really easy for her to fix her voice had she known about what’s really going on.  Sell your soul to a devil or make a deal with hag or something – it’s easily done.  Living in polite society you’re somewhat ignorant of all the irrational magical shit going on out here.  I bet there’s a fey queen that would restore your voice not even for your first born child, for like your fourth or fifth.  It’s quite a world we live in when you think about it.  Tell me something will you, how come your beloved and eternal Vultur wouldn’t fix that lady but some mystical creature harvesting souls would?  What kind of message is that?”

“Because Vultur wants us to have a safe world, a happy world. He wants there to be enough food for everyone, freedom for everyone, the end of the tyranny of the powerful over the weak.”

“You lost me.”

“There are no shortcuts Ela, we have to do it.”

“What a load of shit.”

“All those times where someone makes a deal with a devil, either literal or proverbial, does it ever end well?”

“It wouldn’t make much of a story then would it?  For all I know it works out fine sometimes, or most of the time, but you just don’t hear about that.  What would be the fun of a story where someone wishes for great wealth and didn’t end up getting fucked over?  People want blood and guts and tragedy – not some boring story about someone getting what they want.”

“The correct answer is that they don’t have a happy ending.”

“So what?  What’s Vultur doing to help?

“He gives us the guidance to achieve a better world.  It’s all written down, it’s all ready for us, we just need to execute his plan.”

“So if people like me just got with the program and did what Vultur wanted everything would be fine?”

“Exactly.”

“And the other day you accused me of being insane?  What about the other Gods?  They’re just wrong and Vultur is right?  What about Adariel, our lady of geniality and being friends with everyone and ponies and rainbows?  Her plan doesn’t lead to world peace where everyone gets a stout-hearted mule and bag of potatoes?”

“Vultur has an agreeable relationship with Adariel, her influence is favorable to the further advancement of civilized life, but her philosophy is flawed because it doesn’t take into account the natural inclinations of sentient beings.  If people were inherently good and helpful we wouldn’t even need laws – everything would be great as is.”

“So you just happen to worship the one God who’s right about everything?  You realize that’s a level of intellectual narcissism that’s beyond delusion right?”

She gave me some side-eye “You’d be the expert on narcissism wouldn’t you?”

I was about to retort when Writha Corune did a very odd thing – she slumped and almost fell over like a tree that had instantly withered.  She immediately took on an ashen and very unhealthsome pallor and doubled over as if her stomach was suddenly causing her tremendous pain.  My head whipped around and I saw on the road behind us was that tiny flying insect-demon from the camp, and he had friends.  He was buzzing around the shoulders (not head because its head was actually lower than its shoulders) of a massive slab of putrid demonflesh that looked like a frog, a bulldog and a pile of garbage had a threesome and this is what puked out.  The stench emitting from it was bowel-churning.  Why did a succubus have so many minions that stink with the furry of a thousand dead skunks bursting in the summer heat?  Shouldn’t her minions be other sexy lady demons?  It makes no sense. 

That wasn’t all though, clustered around the frog prince were four awkward vulture looking demons that were shedding swarms of botflies off their flesh like flakes of skin.  They were infinitely more filthy and diseased looking than your standard non-demon non-humanoid vulture.  They surged forward as I ran the other way but Corune was stunned or paralyze or whatever her issue was and they seized her – the four vulture demons pulling on her arms and legs like they were trying to tear her apart as the bulldog/frog demon gurgled with syrupy hacking laughter. 

“Wait, stop!” I addressed my comments at the little flying lizard-snail since he seemed to be the brains of the operation “You want revenge for your mistress, I get that, I love revenge – ask anyone – I didn’t know that demons had this kind of loyalty but live and learn right.  But here’s the thing, I didn’t just kill her – I’m not stupid – I trapped her essence so she couldn’t reform in whatever Hells you guys hang out in.  You kill my friend and I’ll never let her go, she’ll be gone for real.”

The little flying creature started to respond, but the massive frog-demon swatted it out of the air like, well like a fly, and burbled at me in a voice that was so much like he was gargling tar that it was hard to make out what the words even were.

“You let go!  Or we kill!”

“No, that’s not how it works bub, you kill her and you’ll never see your beloved mistress again.”

The toad fiend screamed in inarticulate rage and bashed one of the vulture demons out of the way, seizing Corune and shoving her in his mouth like a kid smashing a stolen cookie in his fat face.  As he slowly and horrifyingly swallowed her the little flying demon shrieked in impotent rage and ordered the vultures to turn and attack.  Maybe there isn’t as much loyalty among demons as I thought.  The vulture demons were clawing and biting at the big demon but more than anything it looked they were trying to reach into its mouth like they could pull Corune back up.  During the fracas while the small demon-fly was distracted I took out my crossbow and shot him in the back – right through the wings, sending him falling to the ground with a sodden thud.  As the other demons were tearing each other apart the little demon tried to do some magic but I waited until just the right time and then shot him again, ruining the spell. 

As he was screeching and flopping around on the ground like a wounded duck I walked up and beat him to death (well not to death but back to the Hells I guess) with my cane.  In that short time the froghemoth had torn two of the vulturelings in half (literally) and while they scrapped I shot indiscriminately in the melee.  Bloody (assuming that urine-colored glowing sap was blood) but victorious the stinking hulk was the last one standing.  Although in another way I was the last one standing because I shot him in the head a few times and killed him.  And that’s when things got weird.  After his massive rubbery bulk slapped to the ground like two people rutting in a dirty alley, a moment later Corune crawled out from between his froggy lips like some kind of awful birthing.  Which is saying something considering how awful a normal human woman giving birth to a little baby is.  She was covered with some kind of blue-green slime that seemed thick as cold jelly and was gasping for breath to the point where she may have been hyperventilating.  

“Well fuck me, you were alive in there?!”

She didn’t answer because she was on her hands and knees vomiting and then dry heaving for a while, but eventually she gestured weakly at the corpse.

“There’s . . . . a bunch of equipment . . . . in there . . . and money and shit.”

“I don’t think Vultur would approve of that kind of language.” She collapsed onto her stomach utterly exhausted “Well if there’s stuff in there one of us should get it.  No reason to let it go to waste right?  And I mean since you were already in there . . . no reason for both of us to get dirty right?”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 53,775 gold

XP: 628,701

Inventory:  Courtier’s Outfit, Noble’s outfit (5), Artisan’s outfit, collegium ring, Deadly Kiss (dagger) Belt of Incredible Dexterity +2, Endless Efficient Quiver, sunrod (2) Handy Haversack, +4 Armored Coat, Sergeyevna Kostornaia’s Light Crossbow, Flask of Endless Sake, Hat of Effortless Style, masterwork disguise kit, covenant ring,  Ring of Disguise, Ring of Jumping, Walking Stick (Rod of the Viper), map, Badge of Last Resort, Healer’s Satchel, 28 tiny diamonds,  Headband of Alluring Charisma +2, Ring of Protection +2, Saryah Phidaner gown, Crown of Conquest, signet ring, Stone of Good Luck, Onyx (55), Tankard of the Drunken Hero,  Altar of Adariel,  Cauldron of Brewing, Censer of Dreams, Bowl of Conjuring Water Elementals, Companion Mirror,  darkwood lute, +3 buckler, celestial shirt, +1 Frost Demonbane Shortsword

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa 

Myam 10 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

Here’s the kind of logic people use.  I show up yesterday and they accuse me of being a spy, then when it gets dark they build up a massive fire that can probably be seen from the Shoddy Hills.  A random (yet magnificent) woman showing up clearly is a spy from . . . someone . . . to find out . . . something about a group of shepherds, berry pickers and mushroom collectors.  But starting a huge fire in the middle of a war zone?  That’s fine.  They didn’t even have anything to cook, nor was it that cold (when you have shoes anyway), they just did it to make themselves feel better.  I get it, there’s something comforting about a fire, but if there’s a better way to announce to the world “here I am!” in the darkness I don’t know what it is.  Ironically shouting “here I am!” would be less effective.  Something has gone seriously upside down in the world when I’m the one disgusted but a lack of austerity.

Late last night Corune and some of the dullards started talking about heading for a village to the north called Ardinst, which I have never heard of but someone said that it was a training ground of some kind of Adarielistic acolytes and other healers.  The more I heard them talk about it the more convinced I became that Corune was going to try and talk me into helping take them there.  I’m not sure why that thought disturbed me so much, it’s easy enough to say “no”, but for reasons I can’t explain that notion wormed its way into my mind and festered there.  Making me angrier and angrier as the night wore on and they talked more and more about Ardinst.  I started wondering why I was even still there.  I didn’t sleep, just stood against the far side of a tree away from the rest of the group and got myself all worked up. Eventually in the pre-dawn light I decided to stop standing around doing nothing and headed back towards the Beresford.

Before I had cleared the trees Corune came running up behind me.

“Where are you going?!”

“Back into town.  Good luck with Ardinst, go with the Gods.” She grabbed my arm to check my movement and I whirled on her, getting my finger in her face.  “Don’t.  Don’t touch me.  I don’t like being pawed at.” I have her a slight shove, more of a poke really “Do you like it when people put their hands on you?  Huh?  In the bad old days didn’t you get enough of people groping you is that it?”

She seemed genuinely taken aback “I’m sorry, I didn’t . . .”

“Didn’t what?  I know what you did, you knew I wasn’t going to listen to your words so why not just engage physically right?  If someone doesn’t like what you have to say just use force right?  You were a slave right?  You learned that lesson.  Sticks and stones, that’s how you make people listen, words – words are wind.  Here and gone, like nothing.”

She scowled “It’s not a big deal, I didn’t attack you, I just grabbed your arm.”

“Don’t.  Touch me.  You think I want your hairy man-hands on my body?  I know you’re used to knocking people around but I’m not some horse-fucker you’re taking to be hung, you paw at me and I’ll cut your throat.”

She took a step back “Ela what’s gotten into you?”

“Don’t act like you know me, don’t act like we’re old pals.” I took a moment to take a deep breath and compose myself “No.”

“No?”

“You were going to ask me to tag along to Ardinst right?  The answer is no.”

She gestured back behind us “These people need your help.”

“What help?  I’m not a guide, I can’t show them the way.  I’m not a warrior, I can’t protect them.  I’m not a healer, I’m not anything.  You want to put your neck on the chopping block for them go ahead, I want no part.”

“How can you say that?  In Beresford you fought off several attacks, I helped you as much as I could but you were the one . . .”

“Look at me, do I look like a fighter to you?  All I do is protect myself as best I can, anything else is incidental.  But it doesn’t matter anyway because I don’t want to help those people and I’m not going to.”

“Why not?”

“Because it doesn’t matter.  When you get to Ardinst the place is going to be taken over by slavers and everyone’s going to be sold into bondage.  Or a cult is going to be operating there and sacrifice them.  Or there’s going to be a monster or a vampire or a plague of zombies or some other Gods damned thing.  It doesn’t matter where you go or what you do, everyone needs help all the time.  We’re all fucked, I don’t know why you can’t see that!  I go one place and a dragon burns it down.  I go somewhere else and gnolls attack.  There’s bandits on the roads, there’s criminal syndicates in the towns, monsters and goblins and things from other damn planets.  I don’t know how anyone is still alive!  Just yesterday you listened off seventeen different creatures you thought were mimicking a baby to murder us.”

“That was different, that was just us, now there are all these people, we have a responsibility to them.”

“Why?  They ran out here, if they didn’t have a plan that’s their fault.  I take care of myself why should I expect any less from them?  Why is it my job to bail them out?”

“The strong must protect the weak.”

“Even if that was true I’m not strong, I’m the one who needs to be protected!”

She shook her head resolutely “No.  You may want that to be true for some reason, maybe a part of you even believes it.  But you’re strong.  You’re stronger than anyone I’ve ever met.  You’re also cruel, and you’re mean, and you’re callous, and honestly I think you might be insane.  But you don’t back down from anything.  You’re clever and you never let anything rattle you and you find a way to turn things to your advantage.  I don’t really believe in luck but you’re lucky too, more than anything else perhaps.”

I couldn’t help but laugh “I’m lucky?”

“You always find a way through don’t you?  A few days ago my friends and I had you in custody, in a tower from which no one has escaped, and here you are aren’t you?  And my friends are dead.  People come at you and they never know what hits them do they Ela?  Everyone has you at a disadvantage, but somehow you turn it around on them.  Somehow whatever they want to happen the opposite happens.  And they can’t even figure out why.”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m not going.”

“Do you want me to beg you Ela?”

“No.  I don’t say this to be cruel, this is just a fact, your opinion means nothing to me.”

“This is a chance to do some good though, to balance out all the other things you’ve done.  You have . . .”

“You keep acting like you know my whole story and that I have this catalog of horrible acts that I’ve committed.  I haven’t done anything that I need penance or redemption for, I’ve done nothing wrong, I mean not really wrong.  I have no issue sleeping at night and I don’t need to help any lost lambs to make up for anything.”

“I’ll pay you.”

I snorted “What could you pay me with?”

“I know where all your possessions are.”

“What do you mean?  The mayor has them.”

She shook her head “No, he lied to you.  We cataloged all your items and stored them at the church of Odobenine, the mayor just said that to manipulate you.”

“You wouldn’t be lying to me would you?”

“Ela, who do you think the liar would be?  Me or the politician who’s already betrayed you twice?”

“Well fuck.  If that’s where my stuff is then it’s gone anyway.  The Church of Commerce is the first spot they’re going to attack during a riot.”

“Have you seen that place?  It’s a fortress in the nicest part of town.  There’s no way any rioter got anywhere near it.  That’s probably why there were royal soldiers in the city to begin with, to protect the temple.”

I thought for a moment “Huh, that’s probably true.”

“You help me get these people to Ardinst and I’ll go into Beresford with you and get your possessions from the vault.”

“Why didn’t you lead with that?  Why’d you waste all that time with an appeal to phony morality or whatever that was?”

We headed back to the group and got them rounded up and lurching northward supposedly towards Ardinst.  At the edge of the woods we saw a giant preying mantic chewing on a goblin, which was disturbing.  I’ve seen a oversized insect or two, sadly, at this point but there’s something especially grotesque about the eyes of a mantid.  It’s like they’re looking at you and sizing you up, seems like there’s intelligence there even though there isn’t.  Hard to say which is more frightening.  A few hours after that we saw a huge cottonwood tree engulfed by gray, papery nest as large as a two-story house.  Some of these morons wanted to check it out.  No sooner had I lit into them about hat genius idea than we all saw a man-sized wasp crawl out of it and taking flight.

“What the Hells is with this place?  Is this some kind of giant bug area?”

Corune looked around curiously “There are no farms around here, I had wondered why.  If there’s ankhegs that would explain . . .”

“Sorry I asked, can we just go before a giant ant attacks us?”

“Actually giant ants aren’t . . .”

“Don’t care!”

As we continued our way toward Ardinst we did see some signs of ankheg tunnels, or at least that’s what I was told – they could be Halfling holes for all I know about it.  And around mid-day we saw a manticore feasting on the body of an upturned spider the size of a rowboat.  We made a broad detour around it but they didn’t stop it from flaring its wing with an angry yell-roar and flicking a couple tail spikes at us as a warning.  Manticores are supposed to be as intelligent as people so why did it think we were going to try and fight it for a spider carcass?  Actually I guess that’s the answer right there, they’re as smart as people.

Late in the day we saw in the distance a cottage that had collapsed due to undermining by a tunneling creature of some kind.  Most people assumed that it was ankhegs, because why wouldn’t they, but some people insisted that ankhegs don’t do that so it must be some other borrowing horror.  Eventually I had to shout at them to shut up about it because who cares what did it?  I did spend the rest of the afternoon thinking about their barge I found full of ankhegs in a magic torpor.  I wonder whatever happened to that. 

Miraculously a few hours after dark we came tromping into Ardinst without being eaten or slaughtered or attacked by anything – giant bug or otherwise.  The people of Ardinst were initially alarmed at a large group of people coming out of the darkness, but they quickly rallied with the hospitality and good natured pushoverness that you’d expect from a bunch of Adariel people.  In surprisingly short order everyone was fed and lodged in extra rooms and barns and infirmary beds and the like.  I found myself in a bunk bed with Corune above me.

“I still think something is going to happen, all these people are going to turn out to be cannibals or something.”

She replied through a yawn like a real rube “I’m sure if they do you’ll figure something out.”

“I fucking knew you were going to say that.”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 53,775 gold

XP: 573,301

Inventory:  Courtier’s Outfit, Noble’s outfit (5), Artisan’s outfit, collegium ring, Deadly Kiss (dagger) Belt of Incredible Dexterity +2, Endless Efficient Quiver, sunrod (2) Handy Haversack, +4 Armored Coat, Sergeyevna Kostornaia’s Light Crossbow, Flask of Endless Sake, Hat of Effortless Style, masterwork disguise kit, covenant ring,  Ring of Disguise, Ring of Jumping, Walking Stick (Rod of the Viper), map, Badge of Last Resort, Healer’s Satchel, 28 tiny diamonds,  Headband of Alluring Charisma +2, Ring of Protection +2, Saryah Phidaner gown, Crown of Conquest, signet ring, Stone of Good Luck

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa