Montresor 5 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

By now you all know my feelings about travel in general – negative.  The way poor people traveling anyway.  And of we’re being honest most rich people too.  Bad food, bad accommodations, bad weather, bad company, and usually something bad waiting for you at the destination.  Some if that setiment is probably because I’ve had the misfortune of traveling by foot most of the time, it’s almost pleasant when you’re riding.  Almost.  Pleasant enough that it gives you time to think on things.  Thinking back on the past few months I’ve determined that it’s absolutely criminal how many plans I’ve left half finished.  Behind me is a trail of plots half schemed.  I’m in town for a few days and I get something cooking and then all of a sudden I’m kidnapped and taken three towns over, or a dragon burns the entire place down, or some other damn thing.  Seems like I never get a chance to finish what I started.  That’s life I suppose.

Ruminations aside, the horse sisters and I made good time.  The sun was barely up this morning when the time we reached the Umberlee and they had a standing deal with a reliable ferryman.  I feel like this is the first time in the last two years I’ve crossed a river without someone turning out to be a pirate or an attack by a river monster or some other disaster.  By late afternoon we were in Cathars.  Not exactly the lap of luxury, but the capital of Cymrile county is a damn sight better than anyplace I’ve been recently.  I wished the sisters goodbye and good luck and set about securing myself some decent lodgings.  I don’t know what the equivalent of drooling is when it comes to gazing longing at a mattress, but whatever it was I was doing it.  I wanted more than anything to lie down on that bed but as they say, no rest for the gorgeous.

I got my mount stabled and headed for the nearest guardhouse to see if I was able to get my stuff back or if I would be arrested.  With the same professionalism, dispassion, and efficiency that was shown in my arrest one month and one day ago (another anniversary missed!) I was issued a receipt and sent to another officious building where I traded that slip of paper with another and was sent to a third building and so until I was sitting before a the grizzled bearded fellow who looked enough like the fellow that took all my stuff in the first place that for a moment I wasn’t sure they weren’t one and the same.  They weren’t.  They were brothers.

It took several hours for him and his two smart looking female assistants to give me back all my stuff.  Every item was tagged individually and I had to sign off on each thing.  I know that I’ve amassed quite a . . . mass of stuff but I didn’t really realize how much until I had to go through every single thing piece by piece.  I’ve definitely become less obsessed with stuff over the past two years, and this experience of having to slowly and tediously comb through it all pushed me further down that road.  I really need to simplify my life, at least until all of this is over and I’m the wealthiest most powerful woman in the Kingdom – then I’ll have plenty of room to have a lot of stuff. You know the story about the spoiled princess who feels that if nothing is ever denied her she can never really want anything?  I won’t be like that.  Not at all.  She found inner peace they say, but what can you buy with that?  Nothing, that’s what.

It was well after dark by the time I had everything back in my possession but in contradiction to what I just said (so sue me) it felt comforting to have all my things back.  It felt like everyone was right in the world.  Well no, not right, but it felt like everything was kind of okay in the world.  I breathed a contented sigh as I stepped out into the darkened and shadowy streets.  No one even ever asked me anything about the crime for which I had been arrested and extradited expediently to Three Rivers for.  I guess that’s the gift of bureaucracy working to my advantage for once – I was there asking for my stuff so I must have been tried and found innocent or already paid my penalty.  Their paperwork didn’t say to arrest me so they didn’t.  You have to admire that.  Well, not admire, but acknowledge.

I was heading back to my room at the inn, lusting after my bed like metaphor lusts for a word or phrase applied to an object or action to which it is not literally applicable. When I realized that I was being followed.  Even being menaced by goons made me feel better – ah to be back in civilization again!  I made a sharp turn around a corner and activated my Ring, disappearing from sight.  I got a good look at my two followers as they came around the corner and then started looking about in confusion. 

One was a bald beefy fellow who was wrinkled as pug and wearing a gut-plate as armor accenting his overalls.  His buddy was a stretched out looking guy that seemed skinny but wasn’t.  He had an overly large mouth and was shirtless.  Seriously, can someone tell me why so many men are walking around without shirts on like that’s fine?  Put a damn shirt on.  What is going on?  Wrinkles had no visible weapon but he had the knuckles of a man who beats people to death on occasion and the Shirtless One had a sickle.  You know, the harvesting tool.  In town!  That’s how you know these people are seriously depraved.  You can get away with that out in the sticks but if you’re robbing and killing on the city streets with a farming implement you are one twisted fuck.

I came up behind Wrinkles and reached out to slash him across the mid-section right above the gut-plate.  I don’t know a lot about human anatomy but something slippery came out of him, can’t be the intestines through right?  Those are lower I think. Wrinkles fell forward with a wet sucking sound coming from his throat and Shirtless spun to gape at me.

“Oh Gods robbers!  Whatever shall I do?!”

That’s what I said as I clobbered him in the face with the cane part of my sword-cane.  I blocked his sickle attack with the cane as well as I poked him in the chest and belly with the sword part.  That’s the dangerous part for your information.  He fell to the ground against a wall and even though I think he was already dead on account of all the bloody holes in his chest and belly I stomped him in the head a few times – it just felt good.  Wrinkles had managed to struggle/slump into a sitting position and stared at me from the street as I wiped the blood off my blade on his friend’s pants.  Since he wasn’t wearing a shirt.

“Sorry about your luck friend, ordinarily I would have just slipped away into the night and left you boys to your business, but I’ve had a bad few days.  Hells, I’ve had a bad few weeks.  I used to have a good pal like your shirtless boy here, the kind of person that you could rob strangers with, but we had a falling out.” I sighed  “I’ve just felt a little off since then you know?  But killing you two worthless pits of human despair made me feel like my old self a little.  Like maybe everything is going to be alright?  You know?” I kicked him back and then stabbed him through the neck “Yeah, you know.”

An older fellow in a dark floppy hat and a long coat came running up and then stopped short when he saw the blood and the two dead men.

“Er. . . . . are you okay?”

I smiled, feeling a drop of blood drip off the end of my nose “I think I will be friend, I think I will be.”


Funds: 47,040 platinum, 26,312 gold

XP: 1,283,551

Inventory: Bag of Holding, +2 Distance Light Crossbow, traveling outfit, Ring of Invisibility, potion case, potions (Protection from Evil, Cure Moderate Wounds x2) Blessed Robes, +1 Mithril Holy Undead Bane Sword-Cane, Cerulean Sign Tattoo, Satchel of Plentiful Feed, Horseshoes of Surety, Teremana (light warhorse), Wind Fan, Hat of Effortless Style, Tankard of the Drunken Hero, Ela’s Dazzling Garment, Belt of Physical Might +4, Ring of Urban Grace, Black Marketers’ Bag (5), Tidy Trunk, Ela’s Elegant Boots, Ela’s Extravagant Necklace, Brooch of Shielding, Headband of Subtle Misdirection, Antiquarian’s Monocle, Ela’s Stately Greatcoat, Ring of Eloquence, +1 Dagger, +1 Thundering Light Crossbow, Cheating Gloves 

Noble’s outfit (5) collegium ring,  pocketed scarf, wrist sheath, signet ring (2) assortment of fake signet rings, silver chain set with moonstones, gold and emerald ring (2), garnets (700), gold necklace with jade pendant, ivory combs, tax collector’s badge, gold bracelet with ivory inlays, silver necklace set with rubies, gold earrings with jade inlays, silver and gold brooch, silver necklace with ruby pendant, disguise kit, covenant ring, tiny diamonds (26), Saryah Phidaner gown, masterwork thieves’ tools, onyx (55) personal signet ring, tiara, masterwork red and black long greatcoat, Turnbill blade of first forging (one of three), darkwood and platinum music box, silver bracelet set with bloodstones, platinum ring set with fire opal, silver and moonstone bracelet, holy symbol of Kozilek, dwarf journal

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa, eyeless hag, Baron Saltwheel, Baron Harmenkar, Colonel Tarl Ciarán’s wizard soldier, Victor, Beharri, Cebuano, Mayor Eryn, Chimera Trading Company, maker of the manacles, Calvados Eure, Law Offices of Lampblack and Brimstone, Peronell Missplitter, Nightmare Hag