Montresor 8 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

There were three of them which speaks poorly of their organization right at the start because as we all know adventurers should come in fours.  FOUR against darkness, not three.  And don’t give me any bullshit about the Six from Shadow, that was made up bullshit for a book chumps, I’m talking about real life here.  Miloai Laizirs admitted he made up the whole thing in 862 as an excuse to whip up anti-Danelanders sentiment.  There never was any such person as brave and noble Sir Rieckard – cry about it babies.

One of the trio was a snakeman (or snakewoman how would you know the difference?) which is interesting.  Never seen that before.  Adventurers are widely known for their lack of uniformity, but I have to wonder how that works.  If you’re a weird monster from some other continent and you come here to raid tombs and kill “bad guys” why don’t people freak out about that more?  I imagine that someone screams because a seven foot tall winged lion-eagle man comes into their village and one of the other villagers calms them down by saying “it’s okay, they’re an adventurer”.  People are odd.

The snakeman (or snakewoman) had legs so how did I know it was a snakeman (or snakewoman) rather than a lizardman?  No tail.  A lizardman would have a tail right?  Also forked tongue.  It certainly wasn’t a dragon person because . . . . well it just wasn’t okay?  I’m the one who saw it so just take my word for it.  Accompanying the snake guy was a woman who looked to be in her forties, which is ancient for an adventurer.  Well, for a human adventurer anyway.  Most of them either die or get rich well before thirty.  I wonder if that means she’s really good adventurer or a really bad one.  She had her head shaved, for lice control I assume, and was missing an ear.  Most of the ear anyway.  Which is a nice change of pace from the standard eye patch look for wounded freebooters.  I wonder why you never see an adventurer with a hook hand or a peg-leg.

The third member of their little band looked more like a shoemaker than a murderer for hire.  I don’t know exactly what about his appearance made me think that but something just said “shoemaker” about him.  Cobbler I guess they’re called.  His armor looked to be about one hundred years old and he would have been attractive it not for dozens of tiny scars on his face.  I wonder what did that.  Looks like he fell face-first into a pit of spikes a couple dozen times. 

They rode up hard behind me and I had a lapse in judgement – I assumed they weren’t after me and moved aside to let them pass.   Instead they surrounded me, as much as three people can surround someone, and shoemaker stared off into space like a loon while snakey and one-ear told me they worked for Baron Saltwheel and I should give them back the necklace because of the fate of the world depended on it.  Also they would kill me if I didn’t.  These kids are master of subtle negotiation.  The stick is murder and the carrot is also murder.  I told them that people shouldn’t bet anything they aren’t willing to lose.  A sure thing is never a sure think you know?  Chaos is the natural order of the world.  And that I wasn’t giving back anything.

One-ear made to grab the reins of my mount and Teremana bite her hand.  Have you ever been bitten by a horse?  It fucking hurts.  Based on the amount of blood I wonder if she lost a finger to go along with her missing ear.  Teremana is a well-mannered mare but she is trained for battle – you can’t just go around grabbing at her and not expect consequences.  I wheeled and we galloped off.  They pursued but none of the three were more than an average rider and their steeds were nothing to get excited about so I was able to lose them easily enough.  It was quite exhilarating, I haven’t really had a chance to ride like that in ages.  Nothing wrong with having a bit of fun here and there.

But if there’s one thing we know about adventurers it’s that they’re persistently annoying.  Well if we know one thing about adventurers it’s that they’ll beat you until an eyeball pops out for six silver but if we know two things it’s that and the persistence thing.  A few hours later and I saw them on my tail again.  Probably they’re using fucking snake magic to find me.  I remember when this used to happen all the time.  People are always using magic to track me down and foul up my day.

This is the problem with traveling by horseback.  I can disguise myself with a mere thought, but I can’t disguise Teremana and she’s pretty distinctive.  I should have thought about then when I was picking out a horse.  Oh well.  It probably wouldn’t have mattered anyway, I’m sure the adventurers would have slaughtered anyone they found on the road just in case it was me.  I thought about shooting them to death and riding away from any counter-attacks but these kinds are tricky.  Sometimes they can breath fire or fly up into the air or Gods knows what else.  I reserved the right to shoot them later but it seemed too risky.  I stopped about a mile away and used my vocal abilities to speak with them.

“Alright, you want the necklace?  Fine.  Ten thousand gold.  I’m sure a fine fellow like Baron Saltwheel can afford that with all the shakedowns he’s running along the river up north.” I saw their mouths moving and waved my arms angrily “I can’t hear you morons, you’re too far away – just nod if we have a deal.”

One-ear shook her head furiously, seems we did not have a deal at all.

I shrugged “Alright, but the price only goes up from here.”

I rode away from them again and this time their pursuit seemed like a token effort at best.  And why not, since they can just snake-magic out my location whenever they want?  Friggin’ magic.  I hate it so much sometimes.  One I was out of their sight I decided to abandon by path to Tyburst and head for Eree instead, on the off chance that they were just using normal tracking methods.  There’s rumored to be death worms in the Shoddy Hills, but shirelings live there by the pile so it can’t be true.  Besides I’m going to skirt the hills anyway. 

This turned out not to be the greatest idea either.  I saw a rider coming towards me, which I thought was the snakeman (or snakewoman) with an illusionary disguise but when I changed course to avoid them the other snakeman (or snakewoman) was behind me with the other three.  Turns out there had been four of them all along.  How the fuck this one got head of me and knew where I was going I don’t know.  I wasn’t exactly boxed in, but I was boxed in enough that I didn’t want to make a run for it without good reason.  When they were about a hundred yards away I threw my voice their way again.

“Alright, looks like you have me on the ropes here, how about this – I would like to speak with the good Baron anyway.  I won’t hand over the necklace and I just so happens that I have it in a magic satchel that cannot be opened if you kill me.  So how about we all just go have a nice chat withthe Baron and work something out here?”  I saw their mouths moving and sighed “You have to shout, just because you can hear me doesn’t mean that I can hear you.  I thought we covered that before.”

In the end a deal was struck, there wasn’t really much else they could do.  Killing me wouldn’t work and that’s all they know how to do.  Why didn’t I just give up the necklace?  The necklace that is ugly and I don’t want anyway?  I’m not standing on principal here.  I’m not the kind of person who has a lot of rules for life.  Living life by a set of rules is abdicating your responsibility to think about what you should be doing.  But there are some things you have to stand by if you want to have a life worth living.  You don’t let anyone take something from you, even if you don’t care about it.  The old saying give someone an inch and they take a mile – that’s true.

It’s like this, two watchmen beat one of the Duke’s pages to death once and the reason that happened is when the page was busting the balls of the first watchman he let it go.  But that just made the page act like even more of an asshole to the point where the watchman couldn’t let it go anymore without losing all credibility on the street.  So he and his buddy dragged the dude behind a laundry and kicked him until he was dead.  And then they both got executed for murder.  If the watchman had just slapped the shit out of the page in the first place like he should have all three of them would still be alive.  If people get over on you fine, they got over on you, but you can’t let them do it.  That’s a recipe for disaster.

The Baron of course is in the exact opposite direction I want to go, that’s a given, but it’s not that far away.  Which for me is about as much of a win as I ever get.


Funds: 53,940 platinum, 27,309 gold

XP: 1,288,351

Inventory: +3 Thundering Distance Light Crossbow, Ela’s Fashionable Belt, Cerulean Sign Tattoo, Satchel of Plentiful Feed, Horseshoes of Surety, Teremana (light warhorse), Hat of Effortless Style, Ela’s Wonderful Flask, Ela’s Dazzling Garment,  Ring of Urban Grace, Black Marketers’ Bag (5), Tidy Trunk, Ela’s Elegant Boots, Ela’s Extravagant Necklace, Headband of Subtle Misdirection, Antiquarian’s Monocle, Ela’s Stately Greatcoat, Ring of Eloquence, Cheating Gloves, Clothier’s Closet Rod, Singer’s Stole 

Noble’s outfit (5) collegium ring,  pocketed scarf, wrist sheath, signet ring (2) assortment of fake signet rings, silver chain set with moonstones, gold and emerald ring (2), garnets (631), gold necklace with jade pendant, ivory combs, tax collector’s badge, gold bracelet with ivory inlays, silver necklace set with rubies, gold earrings with jade inlays, silver and gold brooch, silver necklace with ruby pendant, disguise kit, covenant ring, tiny diamonds (26), Saryah Phidaner gown, masterwork thieves’ tools, onyx (55) personal signet ring, diamond and pearl lover’s knot tiara,  Turnbill blade of first forging (one of three), darkwood and platinum music box, silver bracelet set with bloodstones, platinum ring set with fire opal, silver and moonstone bracelet, holy symbol of Kozilek, dwarf journal, cruddy gold necklace

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa, eyeless hag, Baron Saltwheel, Baron Harmenkar, Colonel Tarl Ciarán’s wizard soldier, Victor, Beharri, Cebuano, Mayor Eryn, Chimera Trading Company, maker of the manacles, Calvados Eure, Law Offices of Lampblack and Brimstone, Peronell Missplitter, Nightmare Hag