It was the perfect plan. I need food and I need money. The answer? Sharks! Of course, the answer is usually sharks. Did you know the largest order of sharks is called ground sharks? I didn’t. How does that make sense? They don’t live on the ground at all! Quite the opposite in fact. There’s also an order of sharks called carpet sharks which sounds like a type of VD. “Sorry sweetie I know it’s your birthday but my carpet sharks are flaring up. Maybe next week.”
The plan was simple. Step one, I wade out into the ocean. Sharks, being the voracious killing machines that they are would immediately come to attack me. Ah-ha but the stupid fish wouldn’t be counting on me having the strength of twenty men – twenty men that were also very strong, not twenty normal sissy men. Step two, the shark charges at me, eyes rolling wildly full of murderous rage, and I flip it onto the shore as easily as some square flipping pancakes at a church breakfast. The shark is helpless on the shore and Blue bashes its head in with a mighty lizard-fist. And Robert’s your father’s brother.
Step three, we drag the carcass of the deadly monster triumphantly through the streets while people cheer our mighty triumph over nature’s perfect assassin to my favorite grilled fish place where they buy half from me for a boatload of crazy purple and pink money and they cook up the other half for me to devour on the spot. What delicious irony! The shark thought it was going to eat me and instead I eat it! What a country!
The plan was flawless. But the issue with the execution of that flawless plan was that no sharks came to eat me. The nature shows try to say that sharks are shy and no threat to people as long as we leave them alone but that’s bullshit. I read Jaws, I know the deal. All the sharks must have been busy eating people somewhere else. Probably what happened is a bus full of school children fell off a bridge and the sharks were all over eating them. And the children they didn’t eat they held for ransom in their sea-caves. Which is a real dick move because sharks don’t even understand the concept of money! They were just doing it to torment the parents. Sharks are like that.
I was just about to give up on this flawless plan when not a shark or even a shark woman but just a normal (sort of) woman popped out of the water wearing a wetsuit but no SCUBA gear. I guess surfers wear those suits sometimes but she had no surfboard either. Oh, also her eyes were all white and her fingers were webbed. She looked kind of like Jenny Kemp, except for the monster eyes and freak hands. Her French was funky like Blue’s, so she must be Quebecois or some other kind of fake French person. Someday I want to meet someone here who speaks proper French. Not French like they speak in France, but proper French like we speak in Arkansas.
She looked at me curiously (I think, hard to know for sure with those eyes you know) “What are you doing out here?”
I gestured “Fishing for sharks, isn’t that obvious? What are you doing?”
She looked around with her crazy pale eyes “Is this Madripoor? I’m looking for my niece.”
I nodded “It sure is. Are you saying that you just swam here? Like from a boat?”
“No, from Vladivostok.” When she saw the look of shock on my face she shrugged “I’m a pretty good swimmer.”
“Are you looking for your niece like she’s lost or you mean looking for her like you’re going to stay with her for the weekend and you don’t know where her apartment is?”
“She was kidnapped. I’m here to take her home to my sister. And to kill the men that took her.”
“Right on, right on.” I clapped her on the shoulder “Well good luck with that, I got sharks to catch and you have men to kill so I’ll let you get to it.”
“Where is the ship called Empire?’
I turned back to her “Well now, that is an interesting development, a clear cut situation with a promise of advancing the plot you might say! It just so happens that I was kidnapped and brought here on a ship called the Empire. We have much to discuss. But first, can you use your powers to talk to fish? Tell them to come up here so I can eat them. Well, kill them and have someone cook them first and then eat them, but you know.”
She cocked her head “Talk to fish? I can’t do that. Why would you think I could?”
“What about whales?’ She shook her head “You can’t even communicate with marine life? All you can do is swim? So you’re even worse than Aquaman?”
“I don’t know what that is.”
I smiled “What’s your name?”
I put an arm around her and headed for the shore where Blue was watching with interest. “Martialla Chernyshevsky, I have a feeling we’re going to be good friends. There’s just something I like about you. And I don’t like many people. Let me introduce you to my other friend, the giant blue lizard monster.” I laughed in joy “Now things are really starting to snowball. We’ll be a league of justice in no time!”