Out of character cry for attention

One time I participated in a blog chain letter – do X and then nominate Y other people and make sure you link back to me etc.  At my old blog home people used to do that kind of thing all the time and I never participated.  I was above such frivolities.  But then I came here and I found out what kind of person I really am.  I was so happy that someone had acknowledged me in any way that I jumped to participate.  I didn’t feel good about it though.

The amusing postscript is that I’m pretty sure the person that nominated me doesn’t read any of my blogs. 

Anyway this isn’t that, this is me participating in a contest, so it’s fine.  If you read between the lines it’s clear that the prize for this contest is a brand new 1998 Toyota Tercel.  How can it be brand new and the 1998 model?  Think about it.  And I need that car.  You know why.  Sorry to the 1-2 people that come here for wonderful fiction, but it is Thursday and I don’t post on Thursday anyway so it’s not a total rip-off.

I don’t love posting my answers here because this blog is for wonderful fiction, not participating in things, but what am I going to do, start a 5th blog purely for the one time I year I participate in blog related activities?  Maybe later.

I am posting my answers without context because I think it’s funnier that way. 

If I was grading this test, I would disqualify me for using the word “boobs” but hopeful Paul is more forgiving.

I used to play basketball with guy colloquially known as Tall Paul. (LTT I don’t remember how tall he was)  I’m pretty sure this isn’t the same Paul.  He looks different for one.  Also I’m pretty sure the age doesn’t work out.  And I think this other Paul may be Canadian.  I feel like he said something in one of his posts that made me think he’s Canadian.  Or maybe just in Canada. 

Paul if you’re reading this and you are Canadian and you have some time please read my posts with Martialla and Big Blue and let me know if anything seems strange to you in Canadian terms. 

1.Launchpad McQuack, I have no idea who this character is but I like the name.    

2.Listen all’a’y’all, it’s a sabotage 

3.I wish I could hybridize myself with a hummingbird (one of the real flashy ones like the Violet-tailed Sylph) so that instead of sugar being poison that makes me fat and have heart attacks it was exactly what I needed to stay hale and healthy.  I’d drink full power soda and eat pies and cakes and apple crisp all day I would. 

4.My first thought was “I can only pick 3 things out of the millions of things I wouldn’t do?!”  But then I realized that this is a light-hearted fun thing, not a list of crimes and moral atrocities.   Whenever someone mentions Meatloaf it gets me to thinking about alternate dimensions and wormholes.   

You see I had this conversation once with a fellow who said that he never heard of the singer Meatloaf.  Which is a little odd for someone my same age from the same place but not super weird.  This guy loved the movie Fight Club so I said to him – you know Bob, from Fight Club, that’s Meatloaf.  The next time I saw him he was freaking out because he had watched Fight Club again and he swore that the actor who played Bob had changed.  He had watched that movie dozens of times before and he claimed that Ethan Suplee played Bob.  I told him not to worry about it because he had probably just traveled through a wormhole from a dimension where Ethan Suplee did play Bob.   

It made me realize that if you did cross over to an alternate dimension there’s a good chance you wouldn’t notice.  If there’s infinite dimensions for everything that could ever happen, on a personal level most of them are going to be indistinguishable to the  traveler-observer.  There’s a good chance you’d never realize differences in your own life because why would you?  There’s an alternate dimension where everything is the same except I wore a different shirt yesterday.  That’s unlikely to come up. 

Obviously as a storytelling tool, they have to take big swings – in this dimension America lost the revolutionary war!  But what I think would be interesting is a story where a character slowly realizes they’re in an alternate world and have been for decades.  The goal of these stories is usually to get back to your original world but what would be the mental impact of  finding out that you’re somewhere else and have been for a long time?  So “going back” would be more foreign than staying.

I think I may have traveled through a wormhole to this dimension.  When I watched Escape at Dannemora I was bogsmacked by Patricia Arquette’s boobs.  She never had gag boobs before in my memory, she was lean and willowy.  But video and photographic evidence was provided to me that showed she was always stacked to the rafters.  So I think I came from a dimension that was very similar to this one only Patricia Arquette did not have an ample bosom.  I’m not sure of course, because how can you be, but I keep an eye out for little differences. 

5.There’s nothing bad about pockets, except that there should be more of them.  Remember in the 90’s when every comic book character was covered with packs and satchels and bandoliers?  We should all be like that.  I guess the bad thing about pockets is purses, which are just a pocket that you have to carrying around instead of being attached to you like it should be.  Don’t even get me started on clutches! 

6.My most recent search is “Jessica Simpson Instagram” which is mildly embarrassing but not really anything to be concerned about.  I suppose if you want to find concern it would be with placing value on physical attractiveness, objectification of women, other anti-feminist things of that nature, with a kicker of toxic nature of America’s celebrity culture and some condemnation of social media.  Actually the most concerning part is probably that I googled it instead of going to Instagram.   

7.There already is, Katilsday.  I know it was invented so they could have more Dateline but I don’t know exactly when it is because I don’t watch Dateline.  

8.When I was a kid I saw an episode of the Twilight Zone (or maybe the Outer Limits) where a guy reaches out to touch a mirror and the image in said mirror grabbed his hand.  That freaked me out.  I never look in mirrors to this day. 

9.This is a tricky one.  The intent of the “have dinner with X” is to pick someone famous or interesting but the fast-food clause really changes things.  That’s a nice twist.  I’m tempted to say three of my friends on account of COVID lockdown but that’s LAME.  The key is to pick someone that wouldn’t mind fast food or judge you for taking them there.  Plus you need to have a good group that’s going to get along.  I tend to lean towards the “never meet your heroes” camp as well, which is another obstacle. 

I’ll go with the Sklar Brothers and Daniel Van Kirk, I don’t think they’d mind a fast food burger (DVK for sure wouldn’t) even though they put down Quiznos all the time which I like.   And they seem like a fun bunch. 


11.Never, I am the world’s worst artist and I feel shame about it.  The only thing I ever draw is a beetle on birthday cards sometimes with a speech bubble saying “I love you!” and this text –  

“The humble beetle is rich in trenchant metaphor for our hopeless existence: there’s the deathwatch beetle, that ticks away our futile seconds upon this earth. Then there’s the dung beetle, clinging desperately to its ball of filth, blind to its true nature. And, of course, there are those beetles with the rhinoceros horns that remind us that sometimes nature is pretty awesome.”

12.Who’s there?

13.”You don’t want to know what he does to people that get in his way.”  What this means to me in my life is that I do want to know.  Relying on the judgement of others is dangerous – give me the information and I’ll decide for myself.  I ask a lot of hypotheticals, which some people like and a lot of people hate.  One of my standards is – if you’re running down a hallway away from a pack of rabid dogs and someone comes running the other way and you stop and they ask “what are you running away from” and you tell them rabid dogs and they think about it for a moment and then keep running the way you just came, TOWARDS the dogs, do you turn around and follow them or keep running towards the unknown thing that they’re running from?  The gist being, will you trust the judgement of someone else when you don’t have all the information?

3 thoughts on “Out of character cry for attention

  1. Ha, this was great! I liked how you answered them out of context. It added to the mystery of the whole thing. And yes, I am Canadian.

    Thanks for doing this! Stay tuned next week to see how you did!


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