I don’t know if it’s something all military people do, but Blue and Martialla love planning. They say things like PAWPERSO and draw diagrams on napkins and move around salt shakers on tables and stuff like that. They should get some of those little army men like they have in the movies. Blue and Martialla talk and talk and talk and in the end generally we don’t do anything. I mean sure, maybe that’s because I get fed up and do something rash before their plan can happen, but they should account for that if they love planning so much.
Who knew that navigating the world of criminal syndicates would be so boring? Why do they need outsiders to do all their dirty work? I guess it makes sense, if you’re a criminal mastermind, anyone you can handle without losing too much you’ve already handled, so you’re left with rivals that you can’t safely attack – it takes interlopers to break a stalemate. And if they fail who cares because they’re not your people anyway. Disposable assets.
Martialla wasn’t entirely wrong about what she said. She wasn’t totally fair either, but she wasn’t out of line to speak up. We’ve been avoiding each other. Honestly I’ve been sulking. Just a little bit. It’s one of those things you do where you know you’re doing it and you know you’re being immature, but you can’t seem to stop yourself. Maybe I should go to one of the temples around here and learn to mediate, get some discipline or enlightenment or something. If nothing else I hear those monks can fast for days without any issue, maybe at the least they could teach me a technique for suppressing my hunger. Or maybe I could just find some diet pills.
Blue and Martialla were out ‘scouting’ so I was sitting in the closet-apartment staring at the wall when there was a knock at the door. No one has ever knocked on our door before. It took me a moment to realize what I was hearing. I theatrically pulled myself up off the floor with a sigh and went over to answer. At the doorway were three women. One of them was wearing a strip of sheer black fabric in the manner of a deep-V thong one piece swimsuit. Another was literally dressed like a dominatrix, black leather dress, thigh high boots, she even had a riding crop. The third was the most conservatively dressed of the bunch, because she had a cape over her black (of course) bustier and garters set.
“Uh . . . can I help you?”
The one with the cape frowned slightly “Are you Lason?”
“I don’t know what that is.”
They looked at each other and then the dominatrix spoke up “Maybe we have the name wrong, you’re the woman who robbed the casino, right?”
“Uh . . . . maybe?”
Vampirella had to get her voice heard “Can you control men’s minds with your pheromones or not?”
I rolled my eyes “Oh lord, I should have known you were looking for her based on the way you’re dressed. How did you even get here like that? Do you have change for the bus in your crotch? No, I am not the woman dressed as a hooker that TRIED to rob the casino with a bunch of mind-controlled morons and her ass hanging in the wind. I’m the woman that successfully robbed the casino WITH PANTS ON like an adult.”
Dominatrix looked over my shoulder “If you robbed the casino, why are you living in a closet?”
“I’ve had some financial setbacks, shifting priorities in the marketplace and such. I assume you’re looking for her because you’re recruiting, are you guys The Femme Force Five? You’re going to lose the alliteration if you become The Femme Force Six.”
“No, and also the Femme Force Five already has seven members, according to them traditional counting is an oppressive patriarchal tool.”
“Of course, so who are you, the bikini bandits? I’m not interested, but I’m glad you’re here because I have to tell you ladies something and you’re not going to like it but you need to hear it. Now understand, I am not one of those bra-burning far left types that say all sex is rape, but . . .”
Cape leaned in slightly “You don’t look like you’re wearing a bra.”
“I lost my bra, forget about the bra, this is not about bras. Well it sort of is . . .”
Vampirella looked confused “How you lose your bra?”
Dominatrix looked down the hallway “Did you check the laundry room? I think I saw it on the way in.”
“I . . . what? Look, here’s the bottom line, I understand wanting to look sexy. Really I do. Especially when you’re performing, because what you’re doing really is a performance. I get that. When I’m on stage . . .”
“On stage doing what?”
“I’m a singer. But that’s not important, I’m saying that . . .”
Cape peered at me again, she must need glasses “A singer? Should we know who you are?”
Before I could answer, Vampirella snapped her fingers “I knew I knew you from somewhere! You’re that girl that sings Love Me Sexy, aren’t you?’
Dominatrix smirked “You sing a song called Love Me Sexy and you’re going to lecture us about the way we dress?”
I shook my head “No, I mean yes, I do sing that song sometimes but that’s a Jackie Moon song not mine, and yes that’s actually exactly what I want to talk about. When I’m on stage . . .” I took a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts “I’m all discombobulated here. Look, here’s what I’m saying.” I pointed at the whip the one with the cape had on her hip because of course she had a whip “This is a problem, okay? What are you doing with a whip? Why do you have a whip and your boobs out instead of a bulletproof vest and a rifle? You don’t see a man running around with a whip, do you? Because . . .”
“Zorro had a whip.”
“He did? Well forget about Zorro, that’s a different thing than what I’m talking about here.”
Cape put a finger to her mouth “Didn’t Alan Quatermain have a whip?”
Dominatrix nodded “Yeah, and Sherlock Holmes did too.”
“What? Sherlock Holmes never had a whip!”
Cape did that thing where you close one eye and look up when you’re trying to remember something “Yeah . . . yeah he did, in The Adventure of the Six Napoleons.”
Vampirella shook her head “No, that was a loaded riding crop, it’s a Bartitsu thing.”
“What the hell is barbijitsu?”
Dominatrix waved her riding crop around “But this is a whip basically right?”
“Why do you guys know so much about Sherlock Holmes? It doesn’t matter though because . . .”
Cape stepped back behind her two pals “You’re right, it doesn’t matter because you’re not who we’re looking for. Kill her.”
The dominatrix stepped forward with a kick to the gut that sent me stumbling backwards into the room-closet.
The Errant Endeavors of Ela the Expert 
In the Midwest they used to have these things called flea markets, it was like international waters, there were no rules. I think there’s a south park episode about the kids all buying ninja weapons. That is 100% accurate. One summer my cousins and I all bought whips at the flea market. We ran around in the big field out back and whipped everyone. Those were different times.
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