“Oh hey Blue, I was just thinking . . . oh shit!”
When he turned and snarled at me, I realized that it wasn’t Blue. That was my mistake on several counts. First of all, I was going to meet Blue and Martialla, so it would be strange to bump into him on the street. Second of all, he wasn’t even blue, he was kind of greyish-brown with some pale yellow marks. Once I got a good look at him I realized my mistake, but at the risk of being a lizard-racist, when you’re walking about and you see someone who’s got scales and is three feet taller than everyone else, your mind kind of fills in the blank. It’s not like there’s SO many lizard guys around here that it’s unreasonable when you’re not paying attention right? I mean there’s like four lizard guys tops. Sidenote why aren’t there any lizard women? Probably because lizards don’t have boobs. Why would any male scientist turn a woman into something without boobs?
He roared something at me, his breath was simply AWFUL with the stench of rotting meat, and I was so distracted by that that I didn’t realize I actually understood (mostly) what he was saying until he referred to himself as “Bestia-lagarto cornuda devoradora.” Beside the color he was much different from (than?) Blue, he did indeed have little (and big) horns jutting out from his dinosoury skull. Although he didn’t really look like a dinosaur, maybe more like a dragon guy? Really what it was was like one of those little thorny desert lizards, only you know, a huge monster-guy. He said “Me cago en la leche. Déjame solo!” to me which is some kind of slang (or he’s insane) I didn’t understand in full, but I got the gist of it.
I was tempted to give him a good shove, but we were in a crowd and he probably would have plowed down fifty people. He may weigh eight hundred pounds but I have the strength of twenty strong men. And that’s only forty pounds per man, which is something a non-strong man should be able to handle. Not wanting to crush a bunch of locals, I contented myself by telling him “estás bien pendejo” – but I totally could have knocked him on his ass. For sure.
No sooner had I walked away from that dust-up when I heard someone shouting (in English, well sort of, Australian) at me from the street. I turned to see that a small gap had formed in the crowd where my old friend the Crimson Cardinal was holding one giant red robo-fist in the air – which seemed to be the only piece of his suit left. For reasons unknown he wasn’t wearing a shirt, and he really should have been – not a lot of meat on those bones, you know what I mean? There was a network of wires running down his dirty bare arm to some kind of glowing chest-piece strapped to him like a bullet-vest. He was making such a spectacle that I didn’t notice at first that Captain Patriot USA was at his side furiously swooshing his finger around his glowing green alien pad.
“Stand and deliver, Jezebel! Your time of judgement is at hand, for you face the Hammer of God!” He threw his hand up dramatically and made a fist, which resonated with a thunderous clap.
“Is the hammer invisible?”
“Are you holding an invisible hammer above your head?”
“No . . . I . . . the gauntlet is the hammer of God.”
“Why wouldn’t you say the fist of God then? Or the hand of God?”
Patriot muttered “I told you it didn’t make sense.”
Red Fist all but spat at him “You’re the one that wanted to call us the Ela Revenge Squad.”
“Like the Superman Revenge Squad? That would have been cool. But there’s only two of you, that’s hardly a squad, that’s the problem.”
A local guy that I thought was just watching shouted something angrily and the Scarlet Fingerman gestured “Yes, Halimah is a member as well. Three is enough for a squad.”
I peered at the man “Uh, what did I do to him? He doesn’t look familiar.”
They spoke briefly “He says you wrecked his kiosk.”
I made a face “Oh yeah, I did do that. Can you tell him I’m sorry? There’s not enough big heavy things to throw around here, I don’t know what they want me to do. Are there boulders around here?”
“Silence! The time is nigh, you shall be punished for your insolence!”
“Why are you the one with the robot fist? No offense, but you’re like the guy in those Charles Atlas ads before he does the program.” I pointed at the Blond Bomber “Isn’t that guy like a special forces army ranger marine commando? Shouldn’t he be the one with the robo attack glove?”
The Aussie pulled his fist back and made some awkward looking punching motion and a wave of concussive force went in my general direction and knocked over a bunch of boxes.
“No more questions! I demand satisfaction!”
I pointed “The red light district is over there.” I laughed and laughed and laughed. Because I am hilarious.
Mr. America growled “Just kill her already! You only have enough power for . . .”
The Aussie’s eyes went wide “Don’t tell her how much power we have!”
I walked towards them “Alright, look guys, we had some issues in the past but surely you’re not going to kill me just because I wrecked your suit, are you? You didn’t even really own that suit, didn’t you steal it? Plus, I was defending myself. Are you really suggesting that you’re going to kill me for the crime of not letting you kill me? That makes no sense.”
“I’m not going to kill you, I’m just going to defeat you.”
I shrugged “Okay, I’m defeated.”
He frowned “What do you mean?”
“What do YOU mean?” I raised my hands “Everyone, everyone, your attention please, I Ela hereby admit defeat. I am officially defeated.” I went down to one knee “I submit to you good sir. You are the better man.”
His head whipped around at the curious crowd “Get up!”
I looked up at him incredulously “What? Do you want to hit me? You’re going to punch a defenseless woman in the face with a cracking bionic fist?”
Blondie’s face was flushed with bloodlust “Yes, do it!”
The Aussie looked around desperately “No . . . I . . . just . . . what . . . I mean . . .”
I stood up and tapped the rig on his chest, which seemed to be burning his skin “Did you guys rig this all up yourselves?”
He shook his head slowly “No, we . . .”
Blondie spit-screamed at his back “Don’t tell her!”
“Yes, do tell her. My crew needs a contact with a good tech guy. There have to be some of them around here right? Some guy who worked for a company and then flew off with one of their prototypes suits and came here to sell it and now he’s like an underground outlaw tech guy? Something like that? I feel like that happens all the time. There would probably be a lot fewer criminals in supersuits if the superheroes quit forming companies to make supershit. Can you hook me up with your guy? I’m about to come into some money and I need an equipment source.”
He looked back uncertainly at the rest of his squad, Blondie was freaking out and Dr. Kiosk looked like he had no idea what was going on “Yeeeah.”