OOC – Bonus buffoonery

I saw Kelly LeBrock at Quiznos the other day and it got me to thinking about Weird Science.  I wondered if they ever explained what was going on there.  I went back and read the plot synopsis and no, they do not explain anything. 

Two super gross disgusting nerds write a computer program and all of a sudden it “comes alive” and is a sexy lady?  There’s no way to make sense of that right?  At the time the movie came out that was probably true, but with our modern advantages the explanation is easy.  Weird Science is a prequel to the Matrix. 

After the first installment, what the hell is going on in the Matrix becomes violently unclear but a couple things seem to be established.  One – there have been many versions of the Matrix before.  Two – the entire savior concept is part of the program.  As I remember it, which is poorly probably because I never saw the third movie and I was barely paying attention to the second because it sucked, they implied (or maybe stated outright) that NEO was just the latest of many “The Ones” who came around whenever the Matrix was getting old and outdated and his job was to create a big hub-bub and wipe everything out so they could start fresh with a new version.  NEO was an automated job designed to tear down a server that was getting old and crusty so a new one could be spun up based on the gold image. 

When Lisa shows up in the “real world” and has unexplained magic powers, specifically powers that allow her to manipulate other people – freezing the geezers (good band name, sidenote) turning Chett into a monster, Jedi mind-fudging the bouncer at the dive bar, etc.  Powers that can be explained if the movie takes place inside the Matrix and she’s a proto-NEO, who as you may remember, was able to manipulate the Matrix (aka “reality”) from the inside. 

Lisa’s powers are more mature than NEO’s in the beginning and there’s a reason for that.  NEO was a real dude in a tube who had “lived” as a Matrix avatar for a good while.  It’s never explained how the different versions of the Matrix work but it’s possible that he had lived many lives before that one in the Matrix as well.  Point being he had a lot of baggage to get over before he could break free of constraints that he thought existed. 

Lisa on the other hand is purely a program, ergo she never had any limitations of scope in her “brain”.  She started doing “magic” stuff right off the bat because she was never trained to believe that she couldn’t.  One day she was just there. 

In order for the Matrix to exist, it has to have some point where it intersects with the real world.  The program has to be running on something.  I submit to you that in Weird Science when the two gross disgusting nerds hack into the “government computers” to give their sexy lady program more power what they really did was touch the OS behind the Matrix.  The robots saw their program and thought “now this is interesting” so they made it into an avatar to see what would happen. 

Now, you may be saying “But Jeremy, a program in the Matrix that can manipulate other programs?  That sounds more like Agent Smith than NEO.”

Good eye, because what I believe is that Lisa is the earliest version of both NEO as a concept and the Agents literally. 

At the end of Weird Science, Lisa embarks on a journey to use her magic powers to help other gross filthy disgusting smelly ugly nerds bang cheerleaders.  She was built to help people out.  In an awful 80’s kind of way, but still she was basically altruistic.  So she goes around on various adventures helping various revolting stinking trash-eating insect-like nerds get laid for several iterations.  Eventually with her magic powers she’s going to catch on to the fact that she’s in a simulation. 

But from inside the Matrix, what can she do about it?  As we’ve established there has to be some connection point between the two – the machines are presumably better at security than we are so they probably don’t have unprotected S3 buckets out there but if the program is running, it has some way to reach back the other way.  You can’t touch something without it touching you back. 

So Lisa starts futzing around trying to wake people up in their pods in the real world.  Now, I believe that it was implied (if not outright stated) that NEO and all his Zion buddies were actually still in the Matrix the whole time.  No one ever escaped, it was just another part of the Matrix where you got to think you escaped and “fight back” against the machines and go on fun adventures and have sex with Carrie Anne Moss after super long cave-raves.  When Lisa starting messing about, that’s probably when the machines came up with this idea.  Let’s create a new “level” to the Matrix as a pressure valve of sorts.  We’re going to keep doing this forever, eventually there’s going to be a glitch and some of the avatars are going to figure out the deal so let’s make that part of the story. 

Whenever “The One” comes around and starts breaking the rules, we’ll send in a couple Agent Smiths based on the Lisa program to murder them up.  If they get The One, fine,  that means the system is still good and we stay the course, but if The One “wins” then that means it’s time to upgrade the drivers so we run the “you escape the Matrix” program and then tear down and build a new version.   

In other 80s news, to get back into the swing of things with Ela, I watched the Road Warrior the other day and I realized that the people in white football pads are real assholes for blowing up the refinery when they left. 

Mad Max is a world of scarcity and the whities destroyed a working refinery just to kill the homoerotic marauders?  That goes way beyond cutting off your nose to spite your face.  Granted we never find out what’s going on in the “Promised Land” so maybe the refinery isn’t the last one in the world (they do mention Gastown in Fury Road) but it’s certainly massively valuable to all of humanity.  Blowing it up just so someone else can’t have it is a dick move. 

It’s like in the Walking Dead when Negan burns all the mattresses.  That to me is the worst thing anyone did in that whole show.  All the people killed, that’s bad, but you can make more people.  There are no more mattresses ever.  The mattress factories are gone and they’re never coming back. 

And that’s my pitch for a new Purple Mattress ad campaign.

So we draw knives and lock eyes cause it does no good to run

I was up for a part in a movie about the first woman to be sentenced to life in prison.  I didn’t get very far in the casting process, probably because the movie got changed so much.  Instead of a movie about a woman in prison for life, it ended up being a movie about a psychic detective fighting aliens.  It’s like how Bring It On started out as a script for Lethal Weapon Five.  Hollywood is a weird place.  Er, was a weird place I should say, I guess, since it’s gone now. 

It would have been a tough role for me because it’s hard to imagine what I would feel like facing the prospect of life in prison.  I started thinking about that now because of the life sentence Martialla and I have received by waking up in the future.  Uh, present I mean.  You know what I mean.  At least in prison you have visitors and people smuggle you in cocaine in their assholes.  Sure it’s shank or be shanked, but no situation is perfect.  What do we have to look forward to here?  Does cocaine even still exist?  Probably not.  Not that I’m into cocaine. 

Since we’re post-apocalyptic monster hunters now apparently (that would be a good movie), Adam dispatched one of the village people to show us where the “terra” is so we could monster hunt it.  I’m having a hard time figuring out if his tribe are all kids here or if this is just how people act now.  Maybe I just think that because they’re so small.  This kid (or adult?) was even skinnier than the first one, but he was taller and like us he was wearing a mask, although his was made of animal hide it looked like instead of space age materials.  His arms were so thin they seemed like they’d snap every time he moved them. 

I asked him why he was the only one wearing a mask but he either didn’t understand the question or I didn’t understand the answer.  I’m really starting to get tired of that phenomenon.  He did show us how his mask has a reservoir where he packs in some kind of yellowish plants to clean the air for him.  Or maybe that’s just how he gets high.  I should have asked him about the cocaine.  Not that I’m into cocaine.

He excitedly tried to get us to follow him out onto the docks, which looked even more rickety close up.  I suggested to him that since we were going hunting after a dangerous water creature, it would make more sense if we stayed on the shore and he just pointed it out to us.  Getting that point across took about twenty minutes.  I’m really starting to lose my patience with this dumb apocalypse.  I’m sure he thought we were being just as dumb since at one point he jumped on his raft and kind of danced around, I guess to show how safe it was.  I maintain that regardless of the water monster, the entire dock would have collapsed if Martialla or I (but mostly Martialla since she clomps around like a Clydesdale) set one foot on it.

Eventually he got with the program and led us down the shoreline acting as if walking anywhere was an exciting new adventure he had never done before.  I quickly started to regret insisting on going overland because my snakebite started to throb.  Every step was jarring up my leg and throughout my body like a little bolt of lightning.  To take my mind off the shooting pain, I started singing “Down in the River to Pray”.  I won’t lie, I expected the kid (or adult) to stop in his tracks and freak out over hearing such a wonderful noise and stand dumbstruck in wondrous awe but he didn’t seem to care at all.  When I mentioned as much to Martialla she said;

“Well you do sound a little flat.”

“I’m not flat, it’s this damn mask!  You’re flat!”

I swear it felt like we walked for an entire day but it was probably only an hour.  When we reached a point where the disgusting scum-lake was narrow enough that you could have easily skipped a rock to the other side, we stopped and I unabashedly slumped to the ground frontwise to protect my throbbing snakebite.  I could sense Martialla looming over me.

“How you doing down there superstar?”

My mask was knocked askew by the ground so I had to adjust it and cough for a while before answering “Never better.  Did you know they gave Winona Ryder a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?  Can you believe that?  What did she ever do?”

“Uh . . . Heathers, Beetlejuice, Dracula, the Crucible, Edward Scissorhands, Mermaids, Girl Interrupted, Autumn in New York, Johnny Depp, Matt Damon . . .”

“Shut up Martialla, when did you become Winona Ryder’s publicist?”

“If it makes you feel better she was probably killed when society collapsed, or taken as a warlord’s concubine.”

“Did you stunt for me in the Warlord’s Concubine?  I can’t remember.”

“There’s no such movie, you’re thinking of the Warlord of Atlantis which I did work on for one day before the director kicked me off set because I had smashed his wife’s Mercedes with a golf club back in ninety-six.  Funny thing was it wasn’t even the right car.”

“Oh yeah, that movie got really screwed up in editing.”

I felt her nudge/prod/kick me with her foot “What do you think of that?”

I turned my head towards the lake and eventually my eyes were able to pick out of the scuzzy oily water a beast wallowing on a muddy hillock.  It was about the size of minivan and it looked like what you might get if a hippo and an alligator and a bunch of eels made sweet sweet love in a big pile and then barfed out a baby of some kind.  And then you put that baby in a pizza oven for a couple months. 

I rolled over onto my side and nodded “Yeah, that’s what I’d call a terror.”