Grubby Longjohn’s Olde Tyme Revue

Martialla is clearly wrong because there’s no such thing as nanorobots but I have to admit that for being only a couple hours removed from a bad crash (two actually) and a long fall, I don’t feel SO bad.  Don’t misunderstand me people, I feel REALLY bad, but if we’re being honest here, and I feel that we are, I felt worse after that first day we left the cryogenics facility than I do now.  I really felt like I was dying then.  Right now I just wish I was dead.  

So it’s not nanorobots because Martialla is wrong because they don’t exist, but it does seem a little odd that we’re up and around and sort of doing stuff.  On the other hand, one time when I was drunk and walking home I saw an old couple drive their Buick into a drunk guy crossing the street.  He flew into the air like Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black (that movie sucks by the way) and I thought “whoa, I just watched a guy get killed”.  Based on the horrified looks on their faces, the old couple in the car thought the same thing.  But the drunk dude just popped up and started hammering on the back of their car shouting about how he was in a crosswalk so he had the right of way (which he did).  So.  You know.

Martialla and I pounded on the door and yelled and waved our arms in case there was a camera but Lizzie McGuire never reappeared.  We tried to figure out another way to approach whatever was behind that door from another direction but there weren’t a lot of options, most of the hallways were smashed and impassable.  I don’t understand what happened here.  Parts of this place were clearly designed to be underground but some of it seems like a higher level that collapsed into it.  Maybe there used to be an above ground section too.

We found a room that I think used to be a security center where Martialla found a real gun in a locker and we both grabbed some cheap ass windbreakers that said Willowbridge Medical Research Center on them.  I guess plastic really does last forever.  But let’s think about this, why would a medical research center need armed guards?  I swear that I saw another Indian woman dashing down a hallway, but Martialla says that it was just my mind playing tricks on me.  The chairs in there were all eaten away down to the metal frame but Martialla sat on one of them anyway like an insane person.  I sat on the floor because I am not crazy.

I looked up at Martialla as she shifted uncomfortably on her torture device/chair “So this is another place with people freezers?”

“It appears so.”

“We’ve seen three woman so far.”

“Two you mean.”

“THREE.  Where are all the dudes?  Surely they didn’t just freeze lady doctors right?  If I’m that Indian lady and I’m the first one out of the tubes and I see what the world is out there, what I’m going to do is wake up some dudes for protection.”

Martialla pointed at me with a shaky hand “That’s because you are a traitor to your own gender like Phyllis Schlafly.  You don’t need men to be safe.”

“Like in that movie where Jennifer Lopez trains to be a ninja so she can have a climactic fight with her ex-husband for the custody of their kid that she doesn’t seem to give a shit about?”

Martialla shook her head “That movie was awful, whenever she was holding that kid she was supposed to love, she looked like she was holding a big bag of stinky trash.  I’ve never seen someone look so uncomfortable interacting with a child.  Except that time you were hired to be a princess at that party for Ed Bagley Junior’s niece.”

“I stand by my performance of The Boy is Mine but, yes, otherwise that gig was a nightmare.  The magician they hired kept trying to put the moves on me.  As if I would ever give it up to a magician.  That’s one trick he couldn’t pull off.”

“You sang a duet by yourself?  That doesn’t surprise me.”

“You know what I’m wondering?”

“If you could beat J-Lo in a fight?”

“No, because of course I could, she’s been dead for a hundred years – I feel like her being dead and me being alive gives me a pretty significant advantage in any kind of physical altercation we might have.  What I was wondering is that if we do have nanobots inside us, which we don’t because they don’t exist, but if we did – if I were to murder you and crack you open and scoop out all the nanobots inside you and swallow them so I would have double nanobots, would I heal that much faster?”

“What was that your grandma always said?”

“More hands makes less work.

Martialla looked longingly back towards the door Lizzie ran into “If I had some C4 we could get her out of there.”

“You said the same thing at Rob Schneider’s house when that snot girl from the Blair Witch locked herself in the bathroom.”

“I stand by that statement.”

One thought on “Grubby Longjohn’s Olde Tyme Revue

  1. Season 2 episode 27 – The McGuire family members (all except Lizzie) are all psyched about making their annual journey to Grubby Gulch, a “Wild West” theme park, after missing last year’s trip. Lizzie, Miranda, and Gordo are reluctant to go for the trip, but Matt is very excited about it. Lizzie, Miranda and Gordo meet a boy and a girl respectively at the café, and arrange a date at the mall, but Lizzie’s parents won’t let them go, so they feign illness to go on the date.

    Liked by 1 person

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