Autobots rock out!

I can now say without fear of contradiction that hovercraft is the only way to travel.  It’s a smooooth ride I tell you what.  And on top of that (literally) there’s a nice little canopy to keep the deadly radiation of the sun off my fair and nubile skin. 

There’s a bunch of other water chumps on normal scrap vehicles with us, and of course the raiders of the plains are on their kill-buggies, and I pity them I do.  Pity them from my positioning lounging on back of a hovercraft.  Now I understand why old timey bible ladies liked being carried around on giant couches.  Or was that Cleopatra who did that?  Was Cleo in the bible?  The only thing that could make traveling my hovercraft better for me is a pitcher of sweet tea, some whiskey, a crispy BLT, a shower, a shave, some chapstick, and some clean clothes. 

Martialla and Lucien being the way they are couldn’t just sit back and enjoy the ride.  They had to try and pick apart why this way cool hovercraft like this would even exist.  Martialla’s issue was that the energy involved to make something hover above the ground in this manner would make it utterly impractical from a fuel consumption perspective.  Lucien was focused more on how there would be no military application for a vehicle like this, although he did allow that maybe it would be possible to arm a hovercraft with “soft launch systems” which sounds like something you’d hear about in a commercial for boner pills.

This is why Martialla is always flying off the handle like a lunatic.  You just have to accept things as you find them.  You don’t have to analyze every little thing.   If you can’t enjoy a hovercraft ride what are you doing with your life?  I dated a guy who pretended to be Native America (not cool Hector) and whenever he wanted to sound like he knew what he was talking about he’d go “My people having saying” and then he’d say some crap from a fortune cookie.  One of these gems was “even the eagle knows when to sleep” which was supposed to mean take things as they come.  I think he got shot a couple years ago. 

In a strange reversal of fortune I found myself taking up the position Martialla usually takes with me, saying that we have no idea how technology progressed in the decades after we were frozen – they may have developed some kind of anti-gravity thing scientists in our time never even thought of, making hovercrafts not only super fun but cheap and easy to make and the most fuel efficient ever.  There’s no way for us to know. 

When asked the dumb water people didn’t even know what kind of fuel it runs on.  Which is a smart move on the part of the Water King I suppose, your lackeys can’t steal your hovercraft if they don’t know how to make it run on their own.  Poseidon probably has a second group of jerks that only know how to fuel it up and keep it running and a third group that doesn’t know anything except to murder either of the first two groups if they try anything funny. 

And check this shit out Jeepers, we’re hovering along and then out of nowhere a violent plains thunderstorm whips up.  Hail and thunder and rain and the whole bit.  And the damn thing transformed into a non-hovering shelter!  There was even room for all the non-hovercraft traveling chumps to crowd in there. 

A transforming hovercraft?  Come on!  Finally the future has come through with something cool.  I mean I guess the nanobots inside me and Martialla are pretty cool.  What with the regeneration and the super-strength and all.  Maybe the hovercraft runs on nano-fuel.  Even over the sounds of the pounding rain I could hear Martialla and Lucien sucking all the joy out of life.

“How would a hovertank even fire?” whined Martialla “the recoil would send it flying backwards with no firing base.”

“You’d have to build in some mechanism to counteract it with force in the other direction.”

“That would take even more fuel!” 

“You have to think of it less as a tank and more like a fast attack vehicle.  The main advantage of a hovering vehicle is the ability to move laterally while firing, which allows you to avoid return fire and attack while moving in and out of a hull down position.  I have to assume that maneuverability is the important part of a hovercraft not heavy munitions and armor.”

“Hull down?  I tried that with Antonio Sabato Junior once and I nearly broke my neck!” I said hilariously.  They both just stared at me. “Jesus, can we talk about something else please?”

Martialla snorted mannishly “Like what?  The creature comfort of the past that you’d kill someone for today?”

“Sure why not?  Today it’s a nice massage.”