Montresor 12 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

(Note – I suddenly became annoyed by the inventory and list at the end every post and moved those to their own page. For anyone who cares.)

After watching the elder statesmen (and one stateswoman and one statesrat) of a cult dedicated to sexual deviancy, human sacrifice, and cannibalism be devoured by a massive death worm I was tempted to spend a few days with the Halflings of the Shoddy Hills – seeing that kind of thing with your very own eyes makes you want to rest and relax for a while.  You know how it is.

But as they say, no rest for the gorgeous.  I didn’t get terribly familiar with the philosophy (is that the right word?) of the goat cult people while they were busy trying to kill me but as I understand it they believe they can live outside of the natural cycle by emulating the Dark Mother who is her own food and her own parent – some manner of cyclical self-cannibalism and incestuous restitution.  So maybe for them being eaten by a giant worm is not that bad of a way to go.  Best not to speculate on the motivations of such people.   

The Halflings shook their head in sorrowful reproof of my haste to leave.  One of the shirriff’s commented that we overly large folk are “Always in a big hurry to get from something foolish to nothing at all”.  Once again they’re not wrong, but revenge is a stern mistress.  And not the fun kind with leather clothing.  I asked them if they could lead me through worm-tunnels to Eree and they looked at me like I was insane.  They’re the ones that were snuggling up to a beast the Kostelos call “the Clan Eater” like it was a tame petting goat and somehow I’m the crazy one?  Typical.  They did lead me back through the hills on worm-safe paths and sent me off with several rucksacks full of sweetened dried fruit, aged sausage, hard sharp cheese, honey cakes, and a mixture of roasted grains, nuts, and molasses.  They believe that a full belly strengths your resolve – there’s a lot to like about these little folk.

Once the Halfling ballyhoo was ballyhooed I headed south towards Tybhurst, as was the plan before I got diverted by all this nonsense.  Sometimes I really do think that some God or Gods is taking measures to keep from ever making progress on my goals.  Mostly though I think Gods have better things to do.  What those things might be I can’t imagine, but they have to have them.  Right?  As I traveled I saw an owlbear prowling around at the edge of the hills but I stayed well away from it.  I have no desire to be ripped to shreds by one of those things.  How is it that replacing the head of a bear with that of a tiny bird somehow resulted in a creature that is stronger and more vicious?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – magic is crazy.

I never found the road so I must not be heading the right away, or I’m misremembering the topography of this area, but despite that fact I still somehow managed to encounter a large gathering of people.  I must be drawn to them unconsciously by the longing in my soul for civilized areas.  The reason for this gathering in the middle of nowhere was odd, although I guess there isn’t a reason for a gathering in the middle of nowhere that would be normal. 

Dueling is illegal is most jurisdictions although enforcement is spotty at best – people love watching two rich guys hack each other to bits.  Those duelists that are concerned about getting in trouble with the law simply meet outside the city limits to carve each other into bloody chunks, unless a forest warden happens along who’s going to arrest you?  Two fellows from Caeptil who should be old enough to know better decided upon a duel on account of one of them cheated the other in a deal or some kind and then someone’s wife was dishonored and this and that and so on.  Word got around, as it does, and the mayor put his foot down – they would be no dueling in or AROUND the city.  In order to bypass this the rare show of law enforcement the aggrieved parties decided to head south of the Shoddy Hills to spill blood.

A lot of people had no intention of missing this duel so they also made arrangements so travel south of the city to watch it go down.  A group of wandering players heard about this and they decided they would turn up and put on a performance beforehand.  Then a traveling circus heard about it and joined in and next thing you know you’ve got yourself a festival going.  Usually they don’t end with two gentlemen stabbing at each other, but there’s a first time for everything.  Except things that never happen.  There’s not a first time for those things.

Normally these festivals are crawling with low class types but this was an upscale affair – after all it’s not like your average person can afford to go haring off at the drop of a hat to watch a duel.  The crowd was mostly compromised of merchants and the retinues of the two dueling lords – who did their part to support their lieges by giving each other dirty looks and stepping on each other’s boots as they waited in line for candied apples.  One such merchant was more than happy to let me borrow his fine pavilion and actual bed for the night while he slept under a tarp with his manservant.  I’ve gotten so skillful at talking people into acting against their own best interest it’s almost not even fun anymore.  Almost.  It was a delightful surprise to get the sleep in a fine bed in a decent pavilion rather than on the ground like a filthy mole. 

After securing my lodgings for the night I wandered the merchant stalls and other perused the offerings of the opportunist and then headed to the “grand concourse” to watch the players mount a decent effort at the first act of Dawnflower’s Gold and laugh internally at a singer that couldn’t hold a handle to me.  She was pretty, very pretty, but she couldn’t sing worth a damn.  I was leaving when I spotted a face from the past – one Jonah Hillless.

Jonah is cursed with one of those babyfaces, last time I saw him he was eighteen and looked like he was eleven.  Now all these years later he looks like he might be all of seventeen.  He was a pawn in the tradition of fostering that nobles sometimes like to do – the ritual exchange of hostages dressed up all fancy like to be something else.  Some lords take their duties as surrogate father very seriously.  Others play more into the hostage aspect and treat their wards little better than prisoners.  The Duke couldn’t be bothered to care about Jonah.  He was basically left on his on (sound familiar?) and was usually so meek an unassuming that people forgot he was there at all.  He probably would have starved to death if the kitchen staff and the servants in general didn’t adopt him as a mascot of sorts. 

He was wearing those same cheap spectacles that the girls used to tease him about.  He’s slightly cross-eyed without them but I don’t understand why he doesn’t buy a better pair.  His family has plenty of money.  He was one of the only nobles at court that was truly devoted to his faith – attending Adariel’s services religiously (pun) which served to make him all the more liked by the lower class types.  He was kind and generous and totally out place in the Duke’s court.  It’s a good thing he was so inconspicuous, if anyone took notice if him he probably would have ended up a pawn in someone’s game and then ended up dead shortly thereafter.   Even though his face was still that of a boy he had grown tall and athletic where once he was soft and weedy.  As he was heading back to a tent of his own I fell into step beside him.

“Fancy meeting you here.”

When he looked over her literally tripped over his own feet in surprise, but managed to avoid falling just barely “Ela?”

I held my arms wide like a magician revealing a trick “The very same.”

He was incredulous “But . . . how . . . everyone said that you were dead.”

“Oh I am, can’t you tell by the decay ravaging my body?  I’m a revenant you see, back from the grave for revenge.  Come kiss these rotting lips.” He blushed furiously at the very idea and took an involuntary step backwards.  I laughed good-naturedly. “Good to see you haven’t changed.  What are you doing all the way out here?  The Jonah I knew isn’t the kind to be interested enough in a little bloodshed to travel all this way.”

“Well, duty calls.”

“You’re not in service to one of these fools are you Jonah?”

“Not in the way you mean.  I’m here as the proxy for Lord Hovecraft.”

I was almost as surprised by that as he was to see me “You’re joking.”

He shook his head “I’m afraid not My Lady.  My family has fallen on . . . hard times.  The only asset we have at this point is my skill at battle.”

I put my hand on his arm “Don’t take this the wrong way Jonah, but I don’t remember you having much in the way of skill at battle.  Didn’t one of the kitchen boys beat you senseless with a broom one time?”

He winced “I’ve gotten . . . better . . . since then . . . somewhat.  My father’s sword is very powerful . . .” he shrugged helplessly “It’s all I can do.  Things . . . are . . . not going well.”

“Good Gods Jonah, how is you getting killed going to help your family?  If you have this great sword and you need money why not sell it?  I’ve learned that people pay a lot for that sort of thing.”

He gasped as if I asked him to sell his mother’s virtue on the street corner – even Jonah isn’t immune to the stupidity of the aristocracy.  Better to hang onto a family heirloom than your life.  I bet if I offered him money he wouldn’t take it either, because of “honor”.  What a bunch of crap.  These are the people we’re putting in charge of the world? 

He turned to enter his tent “It’s good to see you Ela, but I really need to rest up for tomorrow.”

I grabbed his shoulder “Wait a minute Jonah, is Lord Brandymoore fighting himself or does he have a proxy too?”

He gulped “Elkin Brevoy is fighting for Lord Brandymoore.”

“Wow, he must have learned how to fight with his left hand.  Good for him.”

Jonah looked confused “How did you know about his hand?”

“I’m the one who fucking took it!”

His confusion only deepened “What are you talking about?  After defeating Fenrir the Fearless Brevoy cut off his own hand because no one could match him and he wanted a challenge.”

“Ha!  Talk about spitting shit onto gold eh Jonah?  I tell you plainly that I bit off his hand and ate it.  It’s a whole story.” I put my arm around him and walked him into his tent “I’ll tell you all about it while we discuss the plan for the duel.”

Out of character – Ela by the numbers and other jibber-jabber

(Editor’s note, I say D&D when I mean pathfinder as well because I’m like that)

Back in the heyday (what does that mean?) of this blog when it was read by as many as five people one request I got a couple times is for Ela’s character sheet.  RPG people love character sheets.  I never posted it for two reasons.  One I couldn’t figure out how.  Two, I kind of prefer to leave her exact stats a mystery.  I’ve never understood why some people like having characters from books and movies they love statted out.  Tanis was much cooler before I knew he was a 7th level ranger with 12 Dexterity. 

One thing I can say is that her Bluff modifier reached silly proportions pretty quickly.  It’s currently sitting at +37 which means by the book she can convince 99.99 percent of things with brains of even the most outlandish lies.  I try to be a little reasonable with that.  And that’s not even taking into account her once a day +20 bonus on top of that. 

Most campaigns fall apart after the first 4-7 sessions.  Those that make it past that first stage and last a good while seem to generally peter out around 12-15th level.  Which is fine by me, I’m not into high level play.  It’s interesting how quickly you can just make so that there’s little to no chance of failing at any skill check you want your character to be good at.  I guess that’s good, no one likes it when their character fails all the time but it seems strange.  One of my RPG buddies that prefers to play other systems than D&D has leveled the critique that at low levels you can’t do anything and once you get past that everything is too easy.  He’s not entirely wrong.  Just mostly. 

In the last real campaign I played in (I’m currently playing in a roll20 campaign now but its gross 5th edition so it doesn’t count) I had a mythic charisma based character at high level.  Ela’s Bluff is slightly better than his was.  I’ve actually thought about having him turn up in this blog but that seemed a little too self-indulgent even for me.

A couple of people have asked how Ela manages to survive so many fights without being combat oriented.  Her Sense Motive and Perception are not as crazy as her Bluff, but they’re high, and she has Phantom Thief Social Sense +5 on top of that so she’s unlikely to be taken by surprise.  Innocent Façade, Another Day, and Like Smoke all make her pretty shifty and add to that the speed from her boots and her the effect of her ring and she’s pretty hard to catch, especially in an urban area.   

In the early days she almost died several times, but after you reach a certain level you’re kind of hard to kill outside of dirty magic spells that kill you right off the bat.  Paradoxically I think being a solo act helps survival too.  In a normal D&D party once people start dropping you’re unlikely to run – you try to heal them or at least win so you can recover their bodies or whatnot.  Leave no PC behind.  If you’re alone there’s no real not to bail if things turn ugly. 

A couple times Ela has gotten an invisibility magic item and I usually find a way to get it off her because it’s annoying.  Sometimes people say that as a DM if you can’t handle invisibility and flying that’s because you suck.  I do suck, what would be useful is some advice people who say that. 

Anyway, here’s a magic item.

Saltwheel Family Cane

A slender walking stick made of strong gleaming blackthorn wood, the handle is sunsilver in the shape of a bird of prey and wide enough for a very large hand to grip comfortably.

Despite its apparent delicateness the cane can strike as a +1 Heavy Mace.  Any aberration struck by the cane takes an additional 1d6 points of damage and becomes sickened for 1 round (no save).

While held the cane amplifies the wielders voice to carry as far as a mile away.  This effect can penetrate the area of a silence spell.  When the cane is in hand additionally the holder can cannot be detected or tracked with the scent ability or any other special senses that rely on acute smell.

The cane’s owner rolls twice to confirm critical hits against aberrations and keeps the higher roll.

Montresor 11 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

Halflings tend to the same size of livestock as everyone else so why would they make barns that are half the dimensions?  They don’t have special Halfling sheep the size of dogs.  Or do they?  No, no they don’t.  Don’t get me wrong, a half sized barn is still pretty big, I’m just saying that waking up in one is a little disorientating.  Did I grow to twelve feet tall is what you wonder until you figure it out.  I suppose the explanation is that shirefolk being so much small don’t raise as many animals and therefore they don’t need as much room?  Yeah, that makes sense, giants (if they had barns) would make them bigger even though their animals would be the same size because they need more of them.  Excepting cloudgoats of course which are very large indeed. 

Normally I’d be pretty upset about being tossed in a barn but I have a little touch of a soft spot for shirelings.  They’re so little and everyone is so mean to them and yet they still just cheerfully go about their business and overcome through perseverance.  You have to admire that in a heartbreaking kind of way – they got the short end of the stick (not a pun) and they don’t bellyache about it, they get to getting.  Not unlike myself.  Despite the fact that I am impressively tall, I have a lot in common with the smallfolk.  Which is probably why when I ran until I collapsed they came upon me and stuck me in a barn.  Which I don’t blame them for doing, it’s not like they could drag me into their little badger-hole homes. 

Moments after I crawled out of the half-sized barn a smiling welcome committee of Halflings were there to greet me with overflowing baskets of tea-cakes, banana oat muffins, lemon poppy seed cake, toast with jam, jam with toast, and enough other pasties and sweets to choke a mongoose.  They assumed I was Baroness Saltwheel on account of I had the Saltwheel staff of office clutched in my hand when they found me passed out in the dirt – and on account of my elegant clothing and noble manner.  You can’t blame them really.  I saw no reason to correct them.  They surmised appropriately that I had fled from the Saltwheel country manor due to violent unrest.  They clucked their tongues about the foibles of the bigfolk – always fighting and feuding when we should be getting down to drinking and eating and making merry.  They’re not wrong about that.

We were having a gay old time until my tattoos started shining through my clothing like a brilliant star.  Should I be happy that I have these to warn me, or is their very presence what it making these abominable things come after me?  It’s a chicken egg situation.  I stood up from my cross-legged position on the ground and dusted crumbs off my jackets (lucky birds!).

“Sorry my friends, but trouble is coming and I need to be on my way.  I don’t suppose you have a fast horse around here do you?  A fast horse suited for someone of my stature?”

They did not.  Did you know that the word sheriff comes from Halflings?  I didn’t, although I suppose I should have known – Halflings live in shires, hence shire reeve, contracted to sheriff.  Although they say it shirriff.  When I suggested a hasty departure the little folk wouldn’t hear of it – if there was danger the shirriff’s would protect me.  They were four little men wearing feathered hats, jackets, and waistcoats each with a stout club.  One of them was wearing a cravat for the Gods’ sake.  Now I know why I so often catch people off guard when it comes to combat – you don’t seem threatened at all in fancy clothing.

I told them that I appreciated it but this was trouble they couldn’t handle.  They wouldn’t hear of it – what kind of hosts would they be if they allowed me to come to harm?  My plan was to ignore them and run anyway, but it was already too late just with that small amount of back and forth.  A field of darkness appeared in the hilly meadow and out of it strode three forms.  Two I recognized from the carnage yesterday.  One was the horned man, although I saw then that what I thought was a robe the day before was in fact more of a leather jerkin and kirtle type scenario worn over trousers.  In one hand he held a short crooked stick carved with sigils and topped with what appeared to be a still functioning eyeball.  His other hand already danced with magical flame.

The second familiar face was one of the women I saw stark naked and covered with filth yesterday – now heavily garbed in a blue and purple robe and dress combination.  Makes sense, you wouldn’t want your cult robes to be damaged in battle.  She was startlingly white, pale as chalk she was, and she had some kind of crude writing tattooed on her arms and face.  She held in her hand a long staff topped with the skull and horns of a goat.  The newcomer with them had the appearance of a young nobleman, handsome as you like and dressed to the nines albeit with clothing that was several seasons out of fashion.  His boots in particular were immaculate and shiny.  The only thing ruining the effect was that nasty little human-faced rat monster clinging to the lapel of this overcoat.

I turned to the Halflings who were standing in shock at the dramatic appearance of the devilish trio “You need to run my friends.  Run and hide.  And don’t come out.”

The horned man sneered and rasped in the voice if a nightmare “Yesssssss, run away little morssssssssels!”

The woman all but rolled her eyes at him and the dandy fellow smiled apologetically, he spoke in that slow sleepy voice that some nobles affect for reasons unknown “Don’t mind him, he gets excited.  No one needs to get hurt, just give us the necklace.”

“Are you kidding me?  All this has been about that stupid ugly necklace?” I tossed the chunky crude thing at their feet “Here, you could have just asked, there was no reason to attack the Saltwheel house with your freak legion.”

The woman smiled as the sharp dressed man picked up the necklace and tucked it into his vest pocket “Freak legion, I like that, what better name for the brave fighting men and women of the dark goat of the woods?”

“Sounds like you’re done here, best be on your way, I’m sure you have all sorts of rituals you need to conduct involving goat piss and the blood of virgins and so forth.”

The dapper dandy mirrored his lady friend’s smile “Well, being totally honest, retrieving the necklace wasn’t our only reason for coming here.”

At this point the horned man released his magic fire in a Hellsish vortex of fiery death that would have engulfed me and burned me to death if not for the fact that the gold stitching on my Greatcoat flared to life and cancelled out his magic.  I’m not sure if I knew that it could do that.  Good purchase past Ela.  The magic absorption made the jacket sparkle in a pleasing way, it would have been a great time for witty quip if I was into that sort of thing, but the problem with real life fights to the death is your opponents never give you time to banter.  In the novels when the hero is fighting with the big bad guy there’s always several minutes between thrusts for them to trade insults and explain whose great-grandfather stole whose land and so on and so forth.  Murdering people in the real world is sadly allows for far less exposition.

Although I was doing very little murdering.  I shot with my crossbow once, which was deflected by a gust of wind and then pretty much the rest of the time I was running for my life, dodging and ducking and diving as they hurled spells at me.  It hardly seems fair to send three spellcasters to kill one normal person.  I suppose that’s the point though.  The horned man flew up into the sky and was lancing out with burning shafts of light all around me.  I feel like I could have shaken them and made a run for it without him hovering above and spotting me like hunting bird out no matter where I ran.  The woman with the ram-stick preferred summoning bolts of lightning at me but the dandy dresser was the real jack of all trades.  He summoned a wall of spinning blades, he blasted me with freezing wind, he summoned a massive rain of sleet, he had all manner of tricks up his fashionable sleeves. 

It wouldn’t even really be fair to call it a fight, it was more like a fox hunt – and if you know anything about fox hunts it’s that the fox never gets away.  I’ve said this once before but I’ll repeat it now because it’s probably the best advice I can give you about fighting, aside from don’t.  Only morons die like heroes – accepting their fate with a brave face.  When you’re been beaten like a dog act like a dog – beg, grovel, whine for mercy, show your belly.  Do whatever they want, offer them anything they want.  Do whatever humiliating revolting thing you need to do to gain yourself one more precious second of life.  You wouldn’t think that would work with these lunatics but they found my abasement amusing.  They stood smirking as I pleaded for my life.  They laughed when I offered them my womb for their twisted monster-babies.  They sneered as I cried so hard I choked and blew big bubbles of snot. 

And then they died when the earth beneath them opened up and they plummeted into the forty foot wide maw of a Shoddy Hills land serpent, also known to some as death worms, and until that very moment not something I thought existed.  Looking down its throat (do worms have throats?) in total shock it looked like a striated flesh-cave ringed with thousands of shark-teeth the size of my head.  My tormentors and their dirty rat friend were shredded as they were swallowed alive, being ripped to bloody shards in a manner of seconds.  The creature’s emergence had been so swift and sudden it threw up a cloud of dirt like the water from a breaching whale. As shocked as I was by its appearance I was even more stunned by what happened next.  That massive worm-maw closed, making it look like just a huge brown leather rope and the Halflings emerged to start patting its hide like it was a prize pig!  I swear to you one of them fed it a bushel of corn!

It took me several tries to find my voice “What . . . what . . . . just what?”

One of the shirriff (sans club) looked over at me “Oh this is just Sally.”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Behind the curtain: Ela hit level 17 taking another level of Rogue, making her Rogue 15/Master Spy 2 is anyone interested in the details of her leveling up?  Nah.  I’ve been playing pathfinder forever and I just found out there’s a Noble Scion prestige class.  I’m thinking about rebuilding her for that.  If nothing else I can get another rip-off OOC post out of it.   

Funds: 53,940 platinum, 27,309 gold

XP: 1,329,951

Inventory: +3 Thundering Distance Light Crossbow, Ela’s Fashionable Belt, Cerulean Sign Tattoo, Hat of Effortless Style, Ela’s Wonderful Flask, Ela’s Dazzling Garment,  Ring of Urban Grace, Black Marketers’ Bag (5), Tidy Trunk, Ela’s Elegant Boots, Ela’s Extravagant Necklace, Headband of Subtle Misdirection, Antiquarian’s Monocle, Ela’s Stately Greatcoat, Ring of Eloquence, Cheating Gloves, Clothier’s Closet Rod, Singer’s Stole, Saltwheel’s Cane 

Noble’s outfit (5) collegium ring,  pocketed scarf, wrist sheath, signet ring (2) assortment of fake signet rings, silver chain set with moonstones, gold and emerald ring (2), garnets (631), gold necklace with jade pendant, ivory combs, tax collector’s badge, gold bracelet with ivory inlays, silver necklace set with rubies, gold earrings with jade inlays, silver and gold brooch, silver necklace with ruby pendant, disguise kit, covenant ring, tiny diamonds (26), Saryah Phidaner gown, masterwork thieves’ tools, onyx (55) personal signet ring, diamond and pearl lover’s knot tiara,  Turnbill blade of first forging (one of three), darkwood and platinum music box, silver bracelet set with bloodstones, platinum ring set with fire opal, silver and moonstone bracelet, holy symbol of Kozilek, dwarf journal

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa, eyeless hag, Baron Saltwheel, Baron Harmenkar, Colonel Tarl Ciarán’s wizard soldier, Victor, Beharri, Cebuano, Mayor Eryn, Chimera Trading Company, maker of the manacles, Calvados Eure, Law Offices of Lampblack and Brimstone, Peronell Missplitter, Nightmare Hag

Montresor 10 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

What kind of name is Saltwheel anyway?  I feel like I heard of an ocean-going paddlewheel ship one time but if one of this guy’s ancestors invented it, and it was a noteworthy invention, why aren’t they all over the place?  In what other context would a wheel be salty?  Can you make a waterwheel on the ocean shore?  What would be the point of that?  All barons are bad, but is Saltwheel worse than other baron?  All he did was lock me in a bedroom which is a pretty feeble response to my defiance.  Maybe he had more convincing inducements to come but I wasn’t going to stick around to find out. 

With my Boots I was out the window and up the side of the wall before you could get a knife from the barn.  It’s an expression.  The next window I climbed in just so happened to be that of the good Baroness Saltwheel.  Given the late hour she was abed and the room was dark so she was little more than a lump and a mass of curly brown hair on a pillow to my eyes.  Taking on the form of the Baron (in what I imagine are Baronial pajamas) I slipped slyly into bed aside her.  She made a noiseless not awake noise (it makes sense!) and rubbed her feet together as I snuggled up to her and started favoring her with manly baronial caressing.  Eventually she rolled over sleepily and our lips met, filled with Baronial passion.

That’s when I changed forms again to that of one of the snakemen (or snakewomen) that had hauled me here.  At first the Baroness’s lips puckered like when you bite into a bad spot on a mango.  Then her eyes fluttered open and even in the dim light she knew something was wrong.  Mainly that she was smooching on a lipless snake-face.  I flicked out my borrowed snake-tongue.

“What’s wrong baby?  Your husband said you would be down for this.”

I tell you this much, that woman can scream, my ears were still ringing several hours later.  I slithered back out the window and down to the lawn where I took up the appearance of the Baron again.  I started shouting for men under arms to attend me and then rushed them over to the outbuilding where the adventuresome four we housed – explaining to them all how my ladywife had been assaulted in my very own matrimonial bed!  They were in no mood for shenanigans by the time they broke the door down and adventurers being adventurers the fighting started instantly.  There’s not much they don’t react to with deadly force. 

Once things were well under way I climbed back into my locked room to watch and listen to the chaos and shouting and people rushing about with torches.  In the melee one of the buildings was set on fire – it’s a classic move.  When you’re not sure what to do burn some shit down.  I saw both snake people dragged dead into the middle of the courtyard.  I saw the former knight Harweal angrily challenging the Baron to a duel and when the Baron laughed in his face I saw the former knight Harweal cut down six soldiers before he was impaled through the leg from behind by a spearman and captured.  I saw no sign of the one eared woman.  She must have escaped. 

As I watched this deadly scene play out I wondered what is the appropriate revenge for the Baron.  Merely denying him his necklace seems too thin.  But I can’t go around killing everyone on the list can I?  It just doesn’t seem very elegant, there has to be some more creative revenges I can come up with right?  The problem is I simply don’t have the time.  What I should do is spy on him for a few weeks and find out what he really cares about and then hit him there.  But I don’t want to hang around here for a few weeks.  Not at all.  No one ever told me this revenge business would be so mentally taxing.  Maybe I should get in touch with Kralten the god of revenge, if nothing else he has to have some good ideas about different forms of revenge.  Although all of the Kralten people I’ve meet have been very boring – they were all about murder.  Maybe I just don’t encounter the subtle ones.

I decided to sleep on it, wondering if with all the excitement in the night I would be forgotten about in the morning.  I was not.  Before dawn I was rousted and after an insulting short amount of time allowed to make myself presentable was escorted back to the Baron’s study.  As sickly as he looks normally it was hard to tell that he was haggard and sleep deprived as well but the signs were there.  After some obligatory nonsense he apologized for the commotion, which I obligingly and lying said I hadn’t noticed, and he again restated his insistence that give him the necklace.  I gave a pretty speech about how because of the commotion, which of course I didn’t notice, I would relent and give him the necklace.  I produced instead the very nice silver and moonstone number I’ve had for a while.

His face was impressively impassive “That is a fine piece my lady, but sadly it is not the necklace I’m after.” He sighed “It seems those vondrooks have betrayed me in more ways than one.  I should have known better than to place my trust in a disgrace like Harweal, he was once such a loyal knight, it’s such a pity how base he’s become.”

I tucked the necklace back away “Good help is so hard to find My Lord.”

He started to say something and then stopped, giving me a quizzical look “What are you doing?”

“Pardon me My Lord?”

“Your skin appears to be glowing, stop that at once!” 

I looked down and saw the tattoos of Hadar blazing through my clothing “Oh shit!” I jabbed my finger in Baron Saltwheel’s face “Are you an abomination from beyond the stars?  You have to tell me if you are!  That’s the law!”

The door flew open as if from a stout kick and in lurched/hopped/galumphed a nude man.  An unexpected nude man is bad enough, but this fellow’s surprising appearance was made all the less welcome by the fact that he had a massive growth on his left shoulder.  Have you seen a hunchback?  It was like that only instead of the back it was on the side.  At first you think that’s the head but then you’re like “oh no, that smaller thing next to it is the head”.  That head wasn’t doing him and favors either.  Have you ever seen someone who was fat and then lost a bunch of weight and was left with a big flap of loose skin around the belly?  It was like that only on the head – he had a face it just wasn’t attached to the skull, it was hanging loose a good foot to the south.  Did I mention that he had three arms?  I mean the additional arm on the right side wasn’t much of an arm, but it was still there.  That’s one more arm than most people no matter its quality. The axe clenched in its two right hands with blood and chunks of hair on it was possibly the least disturbing thing about him. 

“Blllaaaaaaaargheseshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

That’s what it “said” by way of introduction while I dodged and ducked and scrabbled and slid out of the way of the swinging axe.  The Baron, to some credit, did draw his pussified courtier’s sword and make one attempt at a strike before trying to use me as a human shield – which was annoying because I was trying to go out the window and he was holding me back.  We stumbled into the mutant freak and I managed to pin the axe between our attacker and the Baron.  The “man’s” clacking teeth were trying to bite the Baron through a veil of its own droopy skin.  I wish I never saw that.  I managed to maneuver/stagger us to the window and we all fell through. 

The mutated axman hit the ground and bounced up like it was nothing.  I don’t know why exactly but I kept one hand on the Baron’s belt as I stuck to the wall with the rest of my limbs.  This turned out to be one of my less good ideas as my shoulder was torn out of its socket.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK!”

That’s what I said when I let go of him on account of the agonizing pain.  Which seems like a pretty good reason to let go of someone if you ask me.  The Baron caught me around the waist, squeezing the life out of me and nearly yanking me off the wall with his extra weight.

“Climb you scar-faced whore!”

Those were his words of encouragement as we dangled precariously on the side of the building.  I would have shaken him off if I could but there was no way.  Here’s the fun thing about these Boots, they only allow me to climb and cling like a spider about a minute.  So as much as it hurt I had to climb as quickly as I could.  Which was not very quickly.  It was only about ten feet to the roof but it took a good thirty seconds.  Once I was within grasp the fucking Baron started climbing over me to get to the roof himself.  I tried to grab his foot and shake him off but he stepped directly on my face.  I managed to haul myself over the side where I immediately clutched my mangled arm to my chest.

“I’ll assume that’s your way of thanking me for saving your fucking life!”

I don’t think he even heard me.  He was standing on the edge of the building, jaw gaping open, staring down.  I took a drink from my Flask to heal my shoulder, and another to calm my nerves and then sat up to see what he was gaping at.  It was certainly gapeworthy.  It was like the chaos of the previous night multiplied by a factor of seventeen.  A mob of stark nude people, both normal and those with ghastly mutations, covered with mud and bearing various forms of ram-head staves and sticks were attacking the complex, viciously hacking and tearing at the Baron’s staff.  I saw with them a black goat as large as an elk with horns that glinted razor-sharp.  Among them I saw a bloated flabby winged creature with elements of ant and bat on a human frame.  I saw several heavily armored men and women with a triple headed goat symbol on their shields.  I saw a savage minotaur dressed in the clothing of a civilized man while humans ran and ravened like beasts.  Directing the chaos was a robed man with curling horns and on his shoulder clung the rat-beast I saw the day before – whispering into his ear with its filthy humanish face.   

I gave the Baron a ‘wake up’ shove as I retrieved my crossbow “Snap out of chief, the day has taken a real turn here for both of us, it’s time to either get to fighting to getting the Hells out of here.  I know which one I vote for.”

His mouth moved wordlessly for a moment before he could speak “What do we do?”

“Run for our fucking lives.”

“How?”

“A distraction would be helpful.”

“What kind of distraction.”

“Something like this.”

I shoved him off the roof into the waiting clutches of the . . . whatever these people are.  Cultist of some kind I assume.  It’s always Gods damned cultists.  Half the world must be in some cult or other just waiting for the signal to start killing everyone.  As he toppled over the side his cane flew out of his hand directly into mind as if he was tossing it to me.  The hordes below fell upon him like squealing hogs chasing after corn.  I saw the minotaur and the horned man gazing at me calmly.  Even the little rat-beast turned its eyes on me.  I fired at them with my crossbow but the bolt was blown aside by a gust of wind – they didn’t even flinch.

I took a deep breath, climbed down the opposite side of the building, managed to fight my way free and ran until my tattoos stopped glowing.  And then I ran some more.  I always thought “run yourself ragged” was just an expression.  It isn’t.  I guess death will have to do for the Baron after all. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 53,940 platinum, 27,309 gold

XP: 1,297,951

Inventory: +3 Thundering Distance Light Crossbow, Ela’s Fashionable Belt, Cerulean Sign Tattoo, Hat of Effortless Style, Ela’s Wonderful Flask, Ela’s Dazzling Garment,  Ring of Urban Grace, Black Marketers’ Bag (5), Tidy Trunk, Ela’s Elegant Boots, Ela’s Extravagant Necklace, Headband of Subtle Misdirection, Antiquarian’s Monocle, Ela’s Stately Greatcoat, Ring of Eloquence, Cheating Gloves, Clothier’s Closet Rod, Singer’s Stole, Saltwheel’s Cane 

Noble’s outfit (5) collegium ring,  pocketed scarf, wrist sheath, signet ring (2) assortment of fake signet rings, silver chain set with moonstones, gold and emerald ring (2), garnets (631), gold necklace with jade pendant, ivory combs, tax collector’s badge, gold bracelet with ivory inlays, silver necklace set with rubies, gold earrings with jade inlays, silver and gold brooch, silver necklace with ruby pendant, disguise kit, covenant ring, tiny diamonds (26), Saryah Phidaner gown, masterwork thieves’ tools, onyx (55) personal signet ring, diamond and pearl lover’s knot tiara,  Turnbill blade of first forging (one of three), darkwood and platinum music box, silver bracelet set with bloodstones, platinum ring set with fire opal, silver and moonstone bracelet, holy symbol of Kozilek, dwarf journal, cruddy gold necklace

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa, eyeless hag, Baron Saltwheel, Baron Harmenkar, Colonel Tarl Ciarán’s wizard soldier, Victor, Beharri, Cebuano, Mayor Eryn, Chimera Trading Company, maker of the manacles, Calvados Eure, Law Offices of Lampblack and Brimstone, Peronell Missplitter, Nightmare Hag

Montresor 9 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

When I woke up this morning a rat monster was looking at me.  It was longer than a non-monster rat, kind of weasely in the body, and it’s front paws were somewhat human-like.  This matched well with its hideous humanish face.  It reminded me of a rat version of a barghest – you wouldn’t call it a ratman by any means, it’s more like a rat with eleven percent human added in.  The face was twisted up on account of it had giant rat fangs stabbing awkwardly into its human mouth.  Well not fangs, that’s not the right word for a rat, but you know those big teeth rats have in front.  Incisors?  Whatever, you know what I mean.  It had little ropes of glistening drool hanging from its repugnant little face.  I tell you, this is not the way I wanted to wake up.  It scampered away before I could say or do anything.  I’m sure that bodes well.

Yesterday after I came to an agreement with the snake twins and the two boring normal humans we headed towards the Shoddy Hills together and they set up a luxurious campsite of a firepit and a couple of blankets.  I shouldn’t complain about that I guess, it’s better than I could have done for myself.  Still though I don’t understand adventurers – why raid a tomb and kill a bunch of old barbarian kings turned into wights and steal their gold just so you can get yourself a magic sword?  I mean sure, adventurers do a lot of murdering so they need good killing tools, but even the most murderous person probably doesn’t kill someone even every day.  On the other hand they’re constantly on the road, searching out more monsters to kill, avoiding tax collectors, civil lawsuits, and the hangman.  They should be spending their gold on ways to travel in comfort first and magic swords send.  Why waste your money on a magic sword that sits in your scabbard ninety nine percent of the time and then sleep in the mud like a pig and eat food that’s even worse than the slop you give a sow?  Adventurers are all crazy anyway so there’s no reason ascribing human motives to them.

The snake people turned out to be a real disappointment.  I assumed that the two humans were their mind-slaves and they were advance scouts a wicked race who use their shapechanging abilities to infiltrate and influence human society by reaching positions of power. I mean they’re humanoid snakes for the Gods’ sake!  But they weren’t anything like that at all.  They’re some kind of nature people that are all about the land and seasons and flowers and nuts and shit like that.  They’re vegetarians!  It was a huge letdown.  They’re basically the same as elfs – right down to not being able to tell the genders apart.  Maybe elfs are all secretly snake people, that would be something.  The snake people knew that humans wouldn’t like them in their real forms so they invented elf culture.   I think I’ll start spreading that rumor around, seems like it has legs.

I found out that the shoemaker looking guy used to be a knight in the service of Baron Saltwheel but because of some terribly tragic story involving his lady love marrying another man he’s just a normal killer now.  That’s why he’s always staring off into the distance like a mental patient, he got his little heart broken and now he pines away like a lost baby bird.  As we traveled today we happened to be riding side by side so I seized this opportunity to delve into the mind of a knight. 

“Mr. Harweal would you mind if I asked you a few questions about knighthood?”

He had the broken voice of a man whose sweetheart was just lost to him even though it was years ago “I am no longer a knight madam.”

“I know that but you were for many years, I’m sure you remember.” He inclined his head slightly “I understand that knights have many vows.  I’ve always had a bit of a question about this vow to fight fairly.  As I understand it knights are supposed to refrain from using poison or attacking from hiding or other dirty tricks like that.”

He nodded “That is correct.  Poison and underhanded tactics are the tools of men that possess an evil heart, implements of corruption and destruction. Using poison is an evil act because it causes undue suffering in the process of incapacitating or killing an opponent.”

“But can you explain to me why splitting open someone’s head with an axe is fine but poisoning them isn’t?” He stiffened noticeable “I’m not trying to bust your balls here, I’m honestly interested in how it works.  Let’s say back in the old days one of Baron Saltwheel’s vassals was in open rebellion against him, raising troops and the whole nine yards.  You lead the Baron’s men against his and a bunch of soldiers die in battle and crops are ruined by the marching and fighting and there’s a famine and more people die and so forth.  Now instead let’s say I was there in the Baron’s service.  What I would so is I snuggle up to the rebellious lord and after the fucking I slip him some black lotus and he dies in bed.  Isn’t that better?  Then just one person dies.”

He seemed legitimately horrified “But madam what about your virtue?!”

“Who cares?  I don’t mean to be flippant but it’s just sex.  If I have to bang one dude to save the lives of thousands what seems like a no brainer.”

“A victory through deceitful tactics is a defeat.”

“Why?  The people who are alive sure don’t give a shit how you pulled it off.  And even if they do at least they’re alive to hate your guts.  Isn’t your vow to protect the Kingdom?  And isn’t the Kingdom the people?  Shouldn’t your honor demand that you do anything to protect them no matter how personally vile you might find it?  What about this, let’s say a troll is attacking an isolated village.  If you fight the troll you may win you may not, but if you trick him and use poison you’re certainly win.  Surely fighting is the immoral choice.”

“I would fight with honor and lose if I must, there is no other choice.”

“But how is that honorable if you lose and then the troll eats all the villagers?  I’m not trying to say that the ends justify the means but you have to use common sense don’t you?  What about this, what if just lied and told the troll something that made it go away.  That has to be okay right?”

“A true knight always tells the truth as he knows it. He may decline to speak or choose to withhold information, but a true knight will never intentionally mislead anyone, even his enemies. He may ask permission not to answer a direct question, but if pressed, a true knight will tell the truth.”

“Sure, that’s the vow, but intellectually you understand that that’s asinine right?  All you have to do to save the entire village is tell one little lie and you won’t do it?  Instead you put everyone’s life at risk?  That’s purely ego right?  It’s not about the people it’s about you.”

“You have a wicked tongue madam.”

With that he spurred his horse away from mine and I turned to one of the snake people “Back me up here, there’s nothing wrong with ambushing someone and biting them with your venom snake style right?”

It’s hard to read snake expression but it seemed confused “I don’t have any venom.  Why would you think that I did?”

I restate, these snake people are a serious disappointment.  As we traveling along the Shoddy Hills I saw more shirelings than I ever have in my life.  They were all over the place, tending to gardens and whistling and crawling into and out of their holes.  If there’s this many here how many are there in the Eight Shires?  Eight shires worth I suppose.

Late in the afternoon we came upon Baron Saltwheel’s country home.  Why anyone, even a shoddy baron, would want a country home on the fringes of the Shoddy Hills I couldn’t speculate.  It was more of an overgrown hunting lodge than a proper country villa, but it was decent enough.  Strangely all the servants were humans not Halflings.  The four adventurers were directed to one of the outbuildings while I was shown in to meet with the Baron, which is a surprising show of good breeding.  A gentlemen may have to deal with these roughnecks but that doesn’t mean you have to break bread with them.  I approve of this approach.

The Baron himself had a long neck and a sallow face marred by a thick red rash under the eyes on both cheekbones.  He didn’t act sickly in other way but he certainly does not look like a well man.  He wore an odd brown and grey number that seemed more like the vestments of a religious sort than the loungewear of a high born.  He served some weak lukewarm tea in his study and we chatted a bit before he got down to business.

“Now my lady I’m given to understand that you have come into possession of something that belongs to me, is that correct?”

I shook my head shortly “No My Lord, it appears that you have been misinformed.”

His eyebrow twitched like it wanted to raise but could not “You don’t have the necklace of Ru’ias Mitherva?”

“Oh I have the necklace My Lord, but it doesn’t belong to you.  I won it fairly in a game of chance, it belongs to me.”

He pursed his lips and set down his teacup “Yes well, it wasn’t Miss Rilotto’s to wager now was it?”

“I couldn’t say sir, being unfamiliar with the provenance of the item I couldn’t speculate on that.  However since there may be some irregularity in the change of ownership I explained to your men that I would be willing to sell the item at a reasonable price.”

His lip curled slightly “Yes, they told me about your price, reasonable is not how I would describe it.  Madam near the Lake of Daggers I have some land and there is a pestilence there that has being caused by an old enemy of mine.  An old companion came to me and . . .”

I held up my hand “Yes, yes, your goons told me the sad tale of why you need the necklace but that doesn’t change the price in the slightest.  Let me tell you a tale good sir.  I was orphaned when the great Paladore fire in sixty three killed my parents.  You remember how cold it was that year My Lord?  I slept in heaps with other orphans like dogs.  We lived much like dogs, scavenging and begging for food, fighting and running.  Every now and then the snatchers would come through just like dog catchers – only they would take you to the Church orphanage.  And you didn’t want to go there, as bad as it was on the street you didn’t want to go there, oh no, not to the orphanage. 

I was better at hiding than any of the others, the snatchers never could have found me.  But he did.  Maybe he was interested in me because I was such a good hider.  Stitches they called him.  He was a cutthroat for the Bloody Coin.  The whole hang was hung in mass in eighty – I’m sure you heard about it.  At first I just helped him clean up his murders but then I graduated to being his gopher as well.  In time I started acting as bait for his targets.  I didn’t like it but any man who wanted to diddle a thirteen year old girl had it coming right?  That’s what I told myself anyway.  Helped me to not cry every night.  Eventually I was assisting him with his work – you know the kind I mean.

But then I heard from one of my fellow ‘apprentices’ that Stitches was on the outs, I never found out why, he seemed like a loyal Bloody Coin man to me, maybe he just knew too much, and they were sending men to take us both out.  When the other Bloody Coin hitters showed up I was waiting for them with Stitches head in my lap.  I had taken a lot of effort to saw it off.  I told them I was with them to the end, if they wanted Stitches out that’s what I would do, and if they wanted my life too it was theirs.  One of the killers started laughing. He thought it hilarious that a girl had taken out Stitches.  He was the big bosses’ son so that was it, I was in.”

Baron Saltwheel looked like he smelled something foul “And what was the purpose of that shocking tale of gutter trash killing one another?  To intimidate me?  I can assure you it did quite the opposite.”

“No, nothing of the sort, I just wanted you to know who you’re dealing with.  You can pay me for the necklace or I can continue on my way.  There’s nothing else.”

He let out a breath in a weird little half-cough “Madam I must insist that you give me that necklace.”

I nodded “I thought that you might.” I set down my teacup and locked eyes with him “It’s been said that there are two kinds of barons – the bad ones and the really bad ones.  Which kind are you?” 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 53,940 platinum, 27,309 gold

XP: 1,288,351

Inventory: +3 Thundering Distance Light Crossbow, Ela’s Fashionable Belt, Cerulean Sign Tattoo, Satchel of Plentiful Feed, Horseshoes of Surety, Teremana (light warhorse), Hat of Effortless Style, Ela’s Wonderful Flask, Ela’s Dazzling Garment,  Ring of Urban Grace, Black Marketers’ Bag (5), Tidy Trunk, Ela’s Elegant Boots, Ela’s Extravagant Necklace, Headband of Subtle Misdirection, Antiquarian’s Monocle, Ela’s Stately Greatcoat, Ring of Eloquence, Cheating Gloves, Clothier’s Closet Rod , Singer’s Stole 

Noble’s outfit (5) collegium ring,  pocketed scarf, wrist sheath, signet ring (2) assortment of fake signet rings, silver chain set with moonstones, gold and emerald ring (2), garnets (631), gold necklace with jade pendant, ivory combs, tax collector’s badge, gold bracelet with ivory inlays, silver necklace set with rubies, gold earrings with jade inlays, silver and gold brooch, silver necklace with ruby pendant, disguise kit, covenant ring, tiny diamonds (26), Saryah Phidaner gown, masterwork thieves’ tools, onyx (55) personal signet ring, diamond and pearl lover’s knot tiara,  Turnbill blade of first forging (one of three), darkwood and platinum music box, silver bracelet set with bloodstones, platinum ring set with fire opal, silver and moonstone bracelet, holy symbol of Kozilek, dwarf journal, cruddy gold necklace

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa, eyeless hag, Baron Saltwheel, Baron Harmenkar, Colonel Tarl Ciarán’s wizard soldier, Victor, Beharri, Cebuano, Mayor Eryn, Chimera Trading Company, maker of the manacles, Calvados Eure, Law Offices of Lampblack and Brimstone, Peronell Missplitter, Nightmare Hag

Out of character interlude – pandering edition

My girlfriend admitted to me the other day that she now only reads the OOC posts I do on this blog. So I’m probably going to do more of them for reason rather than just out of laziness. I don’t blame her, it’s hard to imagine anyone reading all of this even if they did like it. The main purpose of a blog is to communicate with someone you see all the time in real life right?

I was thinking the other day that I’ve done the old “refusing the call to adventure” bit with Ela a few too many times. But then I realized, heck no, I should do it more because that’s a THEME. The normal hero cycle is that they ignore the call at first but then they do eventually hero it up – this is a SUBVERSION because Ela will never answer that call. I’m using cool writing terms and am cool.

I like that when they rebooted Spider-Man yet again they skipped over the origin story because enough with that. Everyone knows where Batman, Superman, and Spider-Man came from. We don’t need to keep doing that. BUT it is also kind of a bummer because the Uncle Ben “great responsibility” deal is one of the more effective call to adventure things. It’s a little cornball but that’s okay.

It’s like good old Captain America in the MCU, at first he’s kind of a snooze because he’s a cornball but by the time you get to Endgame that’s what you like about him. He’s all the good things about old timey heroes without all the racism and ass grabbing and racist ass grabbing.

I rewatched Endgame the other day because I wanted to see the scene where Cap does the thing he does in every move where he gets beat down but won’t give up and then all the other heroes show up to save the day. I didn’t really Endgame initially – endings are usually weak and an ending where you know what’s going to happen even moreso – but I enjoyed it more upon rewatching.

People seem to hate Hawkeye but that first scene is pretty strong. Once his family is gone Jeremy Renner does a good job of seeming completely lost and fucked up. The Ronin stuff later is lame but whatever. I had completely forgotten about the next bit with Tony and Nebula. I love the Nebula character in the MCU and that was a really great scene showing someone being nice to her for the first time ever. The warrior learning to live is also well worn territory but it was effective.

I’ve come to hate time travel except for in 12 Monkeys but with comic book movies you just have to be okay with whatever. I think Star Trek the New One is the straw that finally broke the time traveling camel’s back for me.

In the old days I used to say as a joke that 12 Monkeys is the greatest movie ever and I would kill anyone who said otherwise. But that isn’t funny anymore because that’s what people are actually like now. Back in my day if someone didn’t like something you did like you just shrugged and went to the mall to hang out and check out the ladies. Now people lose their damn minds over it. I blame Russian hackers.

Montresor 8 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

There were three of them which speaks poorly of their organization right at the start because as we all know adventurers should come in fours.  FOUR against darkness, not three.  And don’t give me any bullshit about the Six from Shadow, that was made up bullshit for a book chumps, I’m talking about real life here.  Miloai Laizirs admitted he made up the whole thing in 862 as an excuse to whip up anti-Danelanders sentiment.  There never was any such person as brave and noble Sir Rieckard – cry about it babies.

One of the trio was a snakeman (or snakewoman how would you know the difference?) which is interesting.  Never seen that before.  Adventurers are widely known for their lack of uniformity, but I have to wonder how that works.  If you’re a weird monster from some other continent and you come here to raid tombs and kill “bad guys” why don’t people freak out about that more?  I imagine that someone screams because a seven foot tall winged lion-eagle man comes into their village and one of the other villagers calms them down by saying “it’s okay, they’re an adventurer”.  People are odd.

The snakeman (or snakewoman) had legs so how did I know it was a snakeman (or snakewoman) rather than a lizardman?  No tail.  A lizardman would have a tail right?  Also forked tongue.  It certainly wasn’t a dragon person because . . . . well it just wasn’t okay?  I’m the one who saw it so just take my word for it.  Accompanying the snake guy was a woman who looked to be in her forties, which is ancient for an adventurer.  Well, for a human adventurer anyway.  Most of them either die or get rich well before thirty.  I wonder if that means she’s really good adventurer or a really bad one.  She had her head shaved, for lice control I assume, and was missing an ear.  Most of the ear anyway.  Which is a nice change of pace from the standard eye patch look for wounded freebooters.  I wonder why you never see an adventurer with a hook hand or a peg-leg.

The third member of their little band looked more like a shoemaker than a murderer for hire.  I don’t know exactly what about his appearance made me think that but something just said “shoemaker” about him.  Cobbler I guess they’re called.  His armor looked to be about one hundred years old and he would have been attractive it not for dozens of tiny scars on his face.  I wonder what did that.  Looks like he fell face-first into a pit of spikes a couple dozen times. 

They rode up hard behind me and I had a lapse in judgement – I assumed they weren’t after me and moved aside to let them pass.   Instead they surrounded me, as much as three people can surround someone, and shoemaker stared off into space like a loon while snakey and one-ear told me they worked for Baron Saltwheel and I should give them back the necklace because of the fate of the world depended on it.  Also they would kill me if I didn’t.  These kids are master of subtle negotiation.  The stick is murder and the carrot is also murder.  I told them that people shouldn’t bet anything they aren’t willing to lose.  A sure thing is never a sure think you know?  Chaos is the natural order of the world.  And that I wasn’t giving back anything.

One-ear made to grab the reins of my mount and Teremana bite her hand.  Have you ever been bitten by a horse?  It fucking hurts.  Based on the amount of blood I wonder if she lost a finger to go along with her missing ear.  Teremana is a well-mannered mare but she is trained for battle – you can’t just go around grabbing at her and not expect consequences.  I wheeled and we galloped off.  They pursued but none of the three were more than an average rider and their steeds were nothing to get excited about so I was able to lose them easily enough.  It was quite exhilarating, I haven’t really had a chance to ride like that in ages.  Nothing wrong with having a bit of fun here and there.

But if there’s one thing we know about adventurers it’s that they’re persistently annoying.  Well if we know one thing about adventurers it’s that they’ll beat you until an eyeball pops out for six silver but if we know two things it’s that and the persistence thing.  A few hours later and I saw them on my tail again.  Probably they’re using fucking snake magic to find me.  I remember when this used to happen all the time.  People are always using magic to track me down and foul up my day.

This is the problem with traveling by horseback.  I can disguise myself with a mere thought, but I can’t disguise Teremana and she’s pretty distinctive.  I should have thought about then when I was picking out a horse.  Oh well.  It probably wouldn’t have mattered anyway, I’m sure the adventurers would have slaughtered anyone they found on the road just in case it was me.  I thought about shooting them to death and riding away from any counter-attacks but these kinds are tricky.  Sometimes they can breath fire or fly up into the air or Gods knows what else.  I reserved the right to shoot them later but it seemed too risky.  I stopped about a mile away and used my vocal abilities to speak with them.

“Alright, you want the necklace?  Fine.  Ten thousand gold.  I’m sure a fine fellow like Baron Saltwheel can afford that with all the shakedowns he’s running along the river up north.” I saw their mouths moving and waved my arms angrily “I can’t hear you morons, you’re too far away – just nod if we have a deal.”

One-ear shook her head furiously, seems we did not have a deal at all.

I shrugged “Alright, but the price only goes up from here.”

I rode away from them again and this time their pursuit seemed like a token effort at best.  And why not, since they can just snake-magic out my location whenever they want?  Friggin’ magic.  I hate it so much sometimes.  One I was out of their sight I decided to abandon by path to Tyburst and head for Eree instead, on the off chance that they were just using normal tracking methods.  There’s rumored to be death worms in the Shoddy Hills, but shirelings live there by the pile so it can’t be true.  Besides I’m going to skirt the hills anyway. 

This turned out not to be the greatest idea either.  I saw a rider coming towards me, which I thought was the snakeman (or snakewoman) with an illusionary disguise but when I changed course to avoid them the other snakeman (or snakewoman) was behind me with the other three.  Turns out there had been four of them all along.  How the fuck this one got head of me and knew where I was going I don’t know.  I wasn’t exactly boxed in, but I was boxed in enough that I didn’t want to make a run for it without good reason.  When they were about a hundred yards away I threw my voice their way again.

“Alright, looks like you have me on the ropes here, how about this – I would like to speak with the good Baron anyway.  I won’t hand over the necklace and I just so happens that I have it in a magic satchel that cannot be opened if you kill me.  So how about we all just go have a nice chat withthe Baron and work something out here?”  I saw their mouths moving and sighed “You have to shout, just because you can hear me doesn’t mean that I can hear you.  I thought we covered that before.”

In the end a deal was struck, there wasn’t really much else they could do.  Killing me wouldn’t work and that’s all they know how to do.  Why didn’t I just give up the necklace?  The necklace that is ugly and I don’t want anyway?  I’m not standing on principal here.  I’m not the kind of person who has a lot of rules for life.  Living life by a set of rules is abdicating your responsibility to think about what you should be doing.  But there are some things you have to stand by if you want to have a life worth living.  You don’t let anyone take something from you, even if you don’t care about it.  The old saying give someone an inch and they take a mile – that’s true.

It’s like this, two watchmen beat one of the Duke’s pages to death once and the reason that happened is when the page was busting the balls of the first watchman he let it go.  But that just made the page act like even more of an asshole to the point where the watchman couldn’t let it go anymore without losing all credibility on the street.  So he and his buddy dragged the dude behind a laundry and kicked him until he was dead.  And then they both got executed for murder.  If the watchman had just slapped the shit out of the page in the first place like he should have all three of them would still be alive.  If people get over on you fine, they got over on you, but you can’t let them do it.  That’s a recipe for disaster.

The Baron of course is in the exact opposite direction I want to go, that’s a given, but it’s not that far away.  Which for me is about as much of a win as I ever get.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 53,940 platinum, 27,309 gold

XP: 1,288,351

Inventory: +3 Thundering Distance Light Crossbow, Ela’s Fashionable Belt, Cerulean Sign Tattoo, Satchel of Plentiful Feed, Horseshoes of Surety, Teremana (light warhorse), Hat of Effortless Style, Ela’s Wonderful Flask, Ela’s Dazzling Garment,  Ring of Urban Grace, Black Marketers’ Bag (5), Tidy Trunk, Ela’s Elegant Boots, Ela’s Extravagant Necklace, Headband of Subtle Misdirection, Antiquarian’s Monocle, Ela’s Stately Greatcoat, Ring of Eloquence, Cheating Gloves, Clothier’s Closet Rod, Singer’s Stole 

Noble’s outfit (5) collegium ring,  pocketed scarf, wrist sheath, signet ring (2) assortment of fake signet rings, silver chain set with moonstones, gold and emerald ring (2), garnets (631), gold necklace with jade pendant, ivory combs, tax collector’s badge, gold bracelet with ivory inlays, silver necklace set with rubies, gold earrings with jade inlays, silver and gold brooch, silver necklace with ruby pendant, disguise kit, covenant ring, tiny diamonds (26), Saryah Phidaner gown, masterwork thieves’ tools, onyx (55) personal signet ring, diamond and pearl lover’s knot tiara,  Turnbill blade of first forging (one of three), darkwood and platinum music box, silver bracelet set with bloodstones, platinum ring set with fire opal, silver and moonstone bracelet, holy symbol of Kozilek, dwarf journal, cruddy gold necklace

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa, eyeless hag, Baron Saltwheel, Baron Harmenkar, Colonel Tarl Ciarán’s wizard soldier, Victor, Beharri, Cebuano, Mayor Eryn, Chimera Trading Company, maker of the manacles, Calvados Eure, Law Offices of Lampblack and Brimstone, Peronell Missplitter, Nightmare Hag

Montresor 7 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar)

Despite those blundering idiots bursting in on me (well I guess I did open the door) in the middle of the night, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day.  The allure of staying in the city, even a third rate city like Cathars, was strong.  But I wouldn’t be the mighty hero that I am if caved into allures all the time.  I had Teremana saddled up and ready to ride while the sun was still on the horizon.  Well the groom at the stables did most of the work but I told him to do it.  He was a surly little bastard too – no tip for him.  He’s lucky I didn’t give him a thrashing with my belt for his insouciance but there simply wasn’t time.  You get so caught up in life you never make time to thrash people with belts.  It’s sad, it really is.

Riding out of Cathars I tried to remember what enemies I had in Tybhurst or what people there might have it out for me.  Surprisingly I don’t think I have any of either.  Even more surprisingly I traveled completely unmolested.  I saw patrols of the new Queen’s road wardens several times.  Some groups looked more competent than others but they were out there, sometimes that’s all it takes.  I wonder how long it will take for them to be corrupted as badly as all other government arms.  It would be an interesting social experiment to see how long it takes for a newly formed power group of the Kingdom to go from proficient and sharp public servants to crooked and pathetic criminals. 

As it was getting on towards dark I stopped at a crossroads where a number of other travelers had set up camp – road wardens or not there’s always a benefit in safety of numbers.  Okay usually there’s a benfit.  Well sometimes.  It was quite a gathering, smallfolk and traders and wanderers in the dozens.  It’s always interesting when you come across one of these impromptu gatherings that is made up of more people than a lot of villages – where are all these people going?  And what are they doing?  You could probably write an interesting book just walking the land getting people’s tales.  That’s what the Strider people should be doing instead of . . . what is it they do again?  Oh right, nothing.  Except harass me for one measly little murder. 

There was a lot of talk about Malgareth being sacked.  That would be big news in any event but here’s the kicker – it was sacked by the Kingdom’s own armed forces.  Elements of the 8th Army “The Cardinal’s Spear” and some detached units from other divisions felt like they weren’t receiving enough supplies to continue fighting on the southern front so they decided to help themselves to what the people of Malgareth had.  If you’re not familiar with politics and statecraft your own military attacking one of your cities is not good.  But the really juicy rumor is that this attack was orchestrated by a Captain of the King’s Own.  Scandal!  The common knowledge that no member of the King’s Own has ever acted against the Crown is bullshit, but it’s uncommon enough to bring about an that old wives tale like that.

More important than the war though was that I saw several women wearing their corsets on the outside of their clothing.  I thought that was just something that shabby drunk in Gib’s Tor was doing on account of she was drunk when she got dressed.  But apparently it’s a fashion statement!  It’s completely nonsensical.  The whole point of a corset is smash your belly fat into your boobs.  Well that plus torture and enforced femininity. I hope this is one of those trends that didn’t start in the capital and the spread outwards – it’s outrageous it is. 

There were some folks playing cards, but it was lackluster stuff like Schrum-Schrum and Fish, childish games you couldn’t even gamble on if you wanted to.  Which you wouldn’t because those games are for babies.  I lifted a deck of cards and set myself up in a good spot for some Find the Lady.  I didn’t think I would find enough people in this crowd for a real card game.  Find the Lady is a personal favorite of mine because everyone knows that it’s a scam, or they should anyway, the real trick is not getting people to pick the wrong card, that’s a foregone conclusion, the trick is getting people to play.     

Being a pretty girl (that knows how to properly wear UNDERgarments) doesn’t hurt, but what you really need to do is just be personable.  Some people just want something to do.  They know they can’t win, or they don’t think about it, they just want someone to talk to for a few moments.  Those people are like shills you don’t have to pay.  Because once they start playing the herd mentality sets in.  When other people see someone playing they want to watch what’s going on and then eventually they want to participate.  At first they feel smart watching and laughing at the unintentional shill playing a rigged game, but then you let them win.  Suddenly a few people in the herd are thinking “hey, maybe this isn’t a scam.”  What’s best is when they decide that it is a scam but that you aren’t doing it right and they take rip you off.  The best scams are run on people looking to get over themselves but aren’t smart enough to bring it off.

Once you have them on the hook it doesn’t matter if the game is crooked or not – everyone comes up with their own justification for what they’re doing.  I knew a con artist back in the old days that used to say that there wasn’t really anything wrong with what he was doing because those people he took off were going to be taken advantage of no matter what so it might as well be him taking their money rather than someone really bad.  It’s bullshit, but it’s as good a justification as any.  There are people that just can’t resist a line like “I can feel it, your luck is about to turn around!”

There wasn’t much loose coin to take but what there was I took.  Why would I do that when I have a fortune already?  It’s fun.  What other reason is there?  There was a young woman that had lost several times in a row when she decided that it would be wise to bet the hideous gold necklace she had on.  I even went so far as to say “are you sure?”  Which in the confidence trade is basically bending over backwards.  Turns out she was sure.  I didn’t want the ugly thing but what was I going to do?  Not take it from her?  That goes against everything that I believe in.  She was pissed when I turned over the card she picked and then slipped the necklace off her.  I give her points for this at least, she didn’t cry and try to get her husband or brother to come intimidate me – she screamed at me her own self.  That’s not nothing.

Once she saw that loud talk wasn’t going to get her the necklace back she went with another tactic.  She claimed that the necklace (though ugly) was an important historical artifact.  I didn’t catch all the details because she talked forever but back in olden times, which apparently is when everything interesting happened, some nation or other was mad at some other seafaring nation and there were sea elfs involved and trade dispute that and honor this and queen such and such and illegitimate sons and blah blah blah.  She said that the necklace (though ugly) was made by a famous dwarf magic crafting guy and it ultimately resulted in the destruction of both kingdoms.  It’s no longer magic but of interest to certain sorts so her master hired some adventurers dig up whatever tomb it was in and steal it.  They turned it over to her and she was bringing it to him.

I gave her a curious look “What did you hope you accomplish with that story?  You just told him this hunk of metal is far more valuable than it seems, why would that incline me to give it back to you.”

She crossed her arms with a smug look “You haven’t heard who my master is yet.”

“Well don’t keep me in suspense.”

She leaned in and half-whispered “Baron Saltwheel.”

I laughed and laughed and then laughed some more.  Next she threated me by saying that I should fear Baron Saltwheel’s wrath because he could send the adventurers that got the necklace in the first place after me.  I laughed so hard I got a stitch in my side.

I wiped away some literal tears of laughter “Please stop, you’re killing me.”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 53,940 platinum, 27,309 gold

XP: 1,288,351

Inventory: +3 Thundering Distance Light Crossbow, Ela’s Fashionable Belt, Cerulean Sign Tattoo, Satchel of Plentiful Feed, Horseshoes of Surety, Teremana (light warhorse), Hat of Effortless Style, Ela’s Wonderful Flask, Ela’s Dazzling Garment,  Ring of Urban Grace, Black Marketers’ Bag (5), Tidy Trunk, Ela’s Elegant Boots, Ela’s Extravagant Necklace, Headband of Subtle Misdirection, Antiquarian’s Monocle, Ela’s Stately Greatcoat, Ring of Eloquence, Cheating Gloves, Clothier’s Closet Rod , Singer’s Stole 

Noble’s outfit (5) collegium ring,  pocketed scarf, wrist sheath, signet ring (2) assortment of fake signet rings, silver chain set with moonstones, gold and emerald ring (2), garnets (631), gold necklace with jade pendant, ivory combs, tax collector’s badge, gold bracelet with ivory inlays, silver necklace set with rubies, gold earrings with jade inlays, silver and gold brooch, silver necklace with ruby pendant, disguise kit, covenant ring, tiny diamonds (26), Saryah Phidaner gown, masterwork thieves’ tools, onyx (55) personal signet ring, diamond and pearl lover’s knot tiara,  Turnbill blade of first forging (one of three), darkwood and platinum music box, silver bracelet set with bloodstones, platinum ring set with fire opal, silver and moonstone bracelet, holy symbol of Kozilek, dwarf journal, cruddy gold necklace

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa, eyeless hag, Baron Saltwheel, Baron Harmenkar, Colonel Tarl Ciarán’s wizard soldier, Victor, Beharri, Cebuano, Mayor Eryn, Chimera Trading Company, maker of the manacles, Calvados Eure, Law Offices of Lampblack and Brimstone, Peronell Missplitter, Nightmare Hag

Montresor 6 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar) part 2

You know what sucks?  Yes, probably most things for you on account of you’re not me.  But you know what sucks for me?  After months of not being able to sleep deeply and fully and restfully finally getting that ability and then being woken up prematurely.  It was the dead of night when I slowly made the transition from being dead asleep to “is that a noise?”  It was a noise, someone was jiggling the knob (if you know what I mean) to my room.  Half of me wanted to shoot the door with my crossbow knowing it would explode.  Half of me wanted to go back to sleep and let whoever it was do whatever they were going to do.  There’s a magic period of about six seconds when you’re woken up from a serious sleep when you can just close your eyes and go right back there.  Seven seconds and you’re awake awake, you have to start all over again. 

With a sigh I got up and went over to the door.  I drew my rapier and considered stabbing whoever it was through the wood, but then the rest of them would scatter and probably come back later.  Instead I stood there and listened as the world’s most incompetent burglars fumbled with the lock minute over minute.  If it takes you late long to finagle a lock you need to find a new line of work.  I thought about doing many different things but in the end I just opened the door to reveal three started faces.

“What the Hells do you want?”

Face number one belonged to a teenager kneeling down with a set of picks in his hands and held between his teeth.  A lot of people are awkward at that age, all elbows and knees, but he seemed like a smooth costumer for his age.  Aside from being unable to finesse a simple lock.  Crouched furtively at his shoulder was the same damn woman from the baths and from the wedding – shortish plumpish curly haired blonde with one of them moon faces.  She really has a thing for me.  The third person standing back a bit was an older woman with a wet mop of dark hair hanging around her face streaked with grey (gray?) wearing a hideous multi-colored dress. I have blondie a poke with my rapier, a very gentle poke, not a murder poke.  I mean I drew blood but just a little.  She still gasped like she had been disemboweled though.

“Take a hint lady, I’m not interested.”

She held onto her shoulder like she was bleeding to death, speaking in a loud whisper (it’s a thing) “We have to talk to you!  Our family has for generations kept the secret oath of . . .”

“No.  No!  It is the middle of the Gods damned night, I don’t want to hear your fucking backstory.  I don’t care!  If you start up with that Chosen One crap I will beat you to death with your own severed foot.”

The kid had straightened up and adopted the standard teenage slouch “Like that’s even possible.”

I pointed at him “Let’s find out together shall we?”

Blondie reached for me and I slapped her hands away “You have to help us!  The Chosen One . . “

I groaned and the old lady put her hand on blondie’s shoulder to stop her, looking me in the eye with a little twinkle “If you would just let us in for five minutes then we can get this over with and you can go back to bed.”

“And what is the ‘this’ you want to get over with on me?”

She smiled gormlessly “Why reading your future in the cards of course.”

Blondie nodded frantically “Yes, yes, Deska will know the truth!  Deska . . .”

“Fortune tellers?  Are you fucking kidding me?”  I sighed and even mightier sigh “Fine come in and do your thing and then get lost.”  Oldie and blondie shuffled in but I stopped the kid with a hand to the chest “Not you junior, I’m not decent.”

He scowled “What do you mean?  You’re fully dressed.”

I gave him a shove “Fuck off is what I mean.”

I closed the door on his grumbles as the old woman moved a small table from the corner into the middle of the room and started laying out her cards as blondie hovered about nervously.  I took a swig from my flask as I sat down across from her.

“So if your stupid cards say that I’m the Chosen One then what?  You kidnap me?  Or just harass me for the rest of my life?  Actually I guess if you harassed me that much I’d just kill you.  Which’d be a real kick in the tits would it not – you find your fabled savior and she kills you all.  That would be a real twist to the story.”

Blondie just stared at me like a starving hound at a ham hock “The Chosen One will rise up to defeat the Great Doom, they say that . . .”

“Which great doom is the one you’re worried about?  There seems to be an immeasurable supply of them.”

The old woman took the reins to keep things simple “Hziulquoigmnzhah Ziulquaz-Manzah the son of Cxaxukluth, the snake-bearded lord of the underworld.”

“Why do all these monsters have such long weird names?”

“They were not meant for mortal tongues.”

“Then why don’t we give them different names?  We do it for dragons all the time, we call them Swiftclaw or Redwing or something instead of Berkelborklemarklezedon.  We even do it for elfs.  Sidenote mortal tongues would be a good name for a high class bordello.  And I mean a really fancy one, not one of those faux fancy places that ends up looking even worse.”

While the old lady was taken back by that non sequitur blondie jumped in “The founder of our clan Anig cut Hziulquoigmnzhah Ziulquaz-Manzah the son of Cxaxukluth, the snake-bearded lord of the underworld into thirteen pieces during a time of great battle long ago.  But Hziulquoigmnzhah Ziulquaz-Manzah the son of Cxaxukluth, the snake-bearded lord of the underworld cannot be slain, only put to rest temporarily and  . . .”

I held up my hand “Yeah, yeah I get it, the pieces are being put back together by some cult or other and then the guy with the beard of snakes is going to come back and destroy the world unless some unknown person from a humble origin who has a secret power inside them that actually makes them the most important and interesting person in the world defeats the undefeatable monster by wishing for it to have a heart or something.” I gestured to the old lady “Let’s get on with it shall we?  What do the cards tell you?”

She peered at the cards she had laid out in that cross patterned that these types love so much “I see chaos and fire.”

“Yeah, that’s always a safe bet.”

“I see war and death.”

I couldn’t help but laugh “Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?  If you’re going to fake a vision you could at least get good at it.”

Blondie was beside herself “What does it say, is she the Chosen One?  She must be, the tattoos, and the way she stopped the creature at the wedding.”

The old lady looked at the cards with a confused expression “This . . . . isn’t right.  The courtesan is never misaligned.”

“That wouldn’t be a bad name for a middle of the road cathouse – the Misaligned Courtesan.”

Blondie looked like she was about to pass out “What does it mean?”

After a moment the old woman shrugged “I don’t know.”

Blondie looked like she might drop dead on the spot “What . . . what . . . what . . .”

I smiled at her warmly “Don’t be too hard on the old bird.  The future is always in motion, it’s hard to see and so forth.  Things are always shifting due to free will and what not.  Soothsaying ain’t an exact science.”

Blondie looked at the old lady who cocked her head slightly “Well yeah, basically that.”

Blondie’s confusion was metamorphosing into anger “So is she the Chosen One or not?!”

The old woman leaned down and looked hard at the cards for a moment “Maybe.”

I chuckled “Well that’s divination for you, now get the Hells out of my room.”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 53,940 platinum, 26,312 gold

XP: 1,288,351

Inventory: +3 Thundering Distance Light Crossbow, Ela’s Fashionable Belt, Cerulean Sign Tattoo, Satchel of Plentiful Feed, Horseshoes of Surety, Teremana (light warhorse), Hat of Effortless Style, Ela’s Wonderful Flask, Ela’s Dazzling Garment,  Ring of Urban Grace, Black Marketers’ Bag (5), Tidy Trunk, Ela’s Elegant Boots, Ela’s Extravagant Necklace, Headband of Subtle Misdirection, Antiquarian’s Monocle, Ela’s Stately Greatcoat, Ring of Eloquence, Cheating Gloves, Clothier’s Closet Rod , Singer’s Stole 

Noble’s outfit (5) collegium ring,  pocketed scarf, wrist sheath, signet ring (2) assortment of fake signet rings, silver chain set with moonstones, gold and emerald ring (2), garnets (631), gold necklace with jade pendant, ivory combs, tax collector’s badge, gold bracelet with ivory inlays, silver necklace set with rubies, gold earrings with jade inlays, silver and gold brooch, silver necklace with ruby pendant, disguise kit, covenant ring, tiny diamonds (26), Saryah Phidaner gown, masterwork thieves’ tools, onyx (55) personal signet ring, diamond and pearl lover’s knot tiara,  Turnbill blade of first forging (one of three), darkwood and platinum music box, silver bracelet set with bloodstones, platinum ring set with fire opal, silver and moonstone bracelet, holy symbol of Kozilek, dwarf journal

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa, eyeless hag, Baron Saltwheel, Baron Harmenkar, Colonel Tarl Ciarán’s wizard soldier, Victor, Beharri, Cebuano, Mayor Eryn, Chimera Trading Company, maker of the manacles, Calvados Eure, Law Offices of Lampblack and Brimstone, Peronell Missplitter, Nightmare Hag

Montresor 6 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar) part 1

Today I slept late.  When I finally got up I went to the market to do some wheeling and dealing.  I don’t know which I like better, the wheeling or the dealing!  Getting someone to pay a good price for something you’re selling feels great, but so does getting someone to sell you something for an even better price!  This is exactly what I needed.  I little rest, a little relaxing, a little commerce.  It made me feel human again.  I ditched a few magic items that were unquestionably useful for some things more fashionable.  What’s the point of being a daring globe-trotting heroine if you can’t look good while you’re doing it?  None.  None point.  I trade up my two now-redundant crossbows for one that will really knock your socks off.  Literally.  Stabbing those two goons was nice but I haven’t shot anyone in a while.  If you don’t know it’s very satisfying.

After spending all morning in the market I treated myself to a nice long soak.  Sadly there was no option for a private bath but I only had to share with one other woman who was leering at me creepily the entire time.  But let her leer I say, it’s not like she doesn’t have good reason.  I mean come on.  There’s a lot of reasons to hate being on the road, chief among them is not being allowed to feel clean.  Stepping out of that water I felt like a new woman. 

After that I should have hit the road, but I didn’t.  I walked around the city.  If there’s one good thing about my exile (there isn’t) it’s realizing that I love cities.  Pre-exile if you had asked I would have known that I would rather be in Paladore than out on the farm, but now I know that I need to be in metropolitan areas.  I don’t know which I love more, the hustle or the bustle!  Sure, I would be happier if I was in a good city instead of Cathars, but as they sat any port in a storm.  Back at court there was Lord who used to say that every time he was drinking port and then laugh like a red-faced donkey.  I wish he was in crossbow range right now. 

As I was wandering I saw the after-nuptials party of a wedding spilling out from two taverns across the street and merging into a block party of sorts.  It wasn’t a proper wedding of proper people but it wasn’t two peasants hopping into a grain sack together either.  Must be some of these new kinds of folk – unlanded wealthy merchants.  You see more and more of these sorts every day.  I’m not sure all this upward mobility is good for the Kingdom.  On the other hand what do I care about the Kingdom?  I’ve saved it from disaster at least three times and what have I gotten in return?  Nothing, that’s what.

I joined the revelry because who deserves a little more revelry than me?  Nobody that’s who.  At first I thought people were talking about the bride having fleas but eventually I realized that was her name.  Can you even imagine?  I mean okay, it was a nickname, but still what woman would allow themselves to be called Flea?  Fleanethia Rumpstan (ne Hillsfallow) apparently.  As I was drinking and chatting I noticed a fellow staring at me.  Nothing surprising there, who wouldn’t stare at me, but eventually he came over and was peering at me like a painting.

I gave the not-subtle ogler a pat on the shoulder “Sorry buddy but I’m not on the menu tonight.”

He continued staring at me, adjusting his spectacles “Pardon me ma’am, but you appear to be glowing.”

I noticed that the tattoos the Harad people put on me were glimmering brightly enough to be seen through my clothing “Oh my, how embarrassing.”

I noticed that the woman who had been staring at me in the baths was there was well – she pointed at me accusingly and shouted over the hubbub of the chattering voices “You!?”

I put a hand to my chest “Me?”

It was at this point that the bride, who had been doing some manner of salacious dance more suited to a South Seas strumpet in a ring of groomsmen, lifted off the floor and started emitting a light of her own.  Which is unusual if you’ve never been to a wedding before.  A yellow radiance started emitting from her and everywhere it fell the party guests doubled over or fell to the floor and started puking their guts out.  She looked at me, her eyes blazing with yellow light and raised her hands above her head, brushing the ceiling as she bobbed on the air like she was floating on water.

“Ya na kadishtu nilgh’ri stell’bsna Nyogtha, K’yarnak phlegethor l’ebumna syha’h n’ghft, ya hai kadishtu ep r’luh-eeh Nyogtha eeh,s’uhn-ngh athg li’hee orr’e syha’h!”

I frowned up at her “What?”

“I’ll suck your soul!”

The wedding dress blasted off her body like she was filled with smoke powder, as did a goodly amount of skin, revealing her twisted form.  He legs had fused together to form what I can only call a trunk – the trunk of a tree made of bruised flesh and bubbling with boils and buboes.  The feet at turned into a single massive claw.  The right side of her body had turned into a purplish mass of tentacles ending in snapping shark-mouths constantly spewing forth a brownish foul smelling smoke.  But what made it all the worse was that from her navel to the crown of her head on the right side she was completely whole.  One quarter of a blushing bride and three quarters of an abomination.  The yellow radiance glowed all the brighter and people fled the building empting their bowels as they ran, but the light stopped a few feet away from me – the shine from my tattoos and from her body combining to make an eerie angry red color.

She shrieked curses at me as she bobbed along in the air like a piece of scum on the surface of the ocean.  She wasn’t flying so much as she was like a floating bladder buffeted by the winds.  Her tentacles lashed out tearing wedding guests too stunned or slow to flee to bits but I was able to stay out of her reach.  I fired at her with my crossbow but my bolts went wide – when they hit the walls and ceiling they would explode with an ear-splitting thunder that would shatter the planks and boards like a giant’s club.  Two years ago I had never held a crossbow.  Now I’m a pretty good shot.  I’m no deadeye, but I don’t miss someone whose less than twenty feet away and not trying to get out of my way.  What I’m saying is that something else was bending my attacks around her.

Changing tactics I used my Fan to blow her into one of the intact corners.  Keeping her pinned there with gusts of wind I drew my sword and approached cautiously.  Keeping at the edge of her range one by one as her tentacles came for me I sliced off the mouths like knocking off the tops of cat-tails down by the creek.  Things were going well until the stupid Fan ripped itself to shreds.  The guy that sold it to me told me that might happen if I used it more than once a day but what a bunch of shit – who makes these stupid things?  She swooped at me and I called on the power of my new Stole blasting her with a quick stanza from the Wedding of Torm Ezral that turned into deadly sharp shards that deflated and send her tumbling to the floor.  Pulling herself up on one human arm and one mass of oozing tentacles she lolled a tongue at me that was half tongue and half writhing appendage.

“I’ll eat your heart!”

I thought about saying something witty like “smile you toothy bitch” but what would have been the point?   Instead I just shot her through the head, which promptly exploded, showering the room with gristle and brain.  I carefully packed my crossbow away and looked down at a cowering man lying in a combination pool of his own filth and the bride-abominations viscera.

“Nice day for a wedding.

The woman who had been staring at me, then pointing at me came crawling out from under a table. 

“It’s you!  You’re the one.”

“Look lady, I’m flattered, I mean I get it – look at this body – but you’re not my type right?

“What?  No . . . I . . . what?  That . . .  you’re the chosen one!  The one who’s come to defend us from the Great Doom.”

I found a still lit stick of flayleaf on the ground and picked it up, blowing off a bit of slime before taking a drag “Sorry lady, try selling that somewhere else, I got my own agenda.”

She grabbed at my arm but I shrugged her off. “All this is a show. And when the music stops, the rest is silence.”

I headed for the door, or at least one of the holes in the wall “Yeah well, good luck with that.”

She scrambled to block my path “That’s why you came here, you were drawn without knowing it to the corruption inside Fleanethia.”

I shrugged “I just wanted a drink.”

Her eyes burned with intensity “Tell me, do you have nightmares every night?”

I took another long pull and then flicked the butt of the flayleaf away “This Chosen one of yours is real hardass killer?” She nodded “Well then, if I’m her you should probably get out of my way huh?”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Funds: 53,940 platinum, 26,312 gold

XP: 1,288,351

Inventory: +3 Thundering Distance Light Crossbow, Ela’s Fashionable Belt, Cerulean Sign Tattoo, Satchel of Plentiful Feed, Horseshoes of Surety, Teremana (light warhorse), Hat of Effortless Style, Ela’s Wonderful Flask, Ela’s Dazzling Garment,  Ring of Urban Grace, Black Marketers’ Bag (5), Tidy Trunk, Ela’s Elegant Boots, Ela’s Extravagant Necklace, Headband of Subtle Misdirection, Antiquarian’s Monocle, Ela’s Stately Greatcoat, Ring of Eloquence, Cheating Gloves, Clothier’s Closet Rod , Singer’s Stole 

Noble’s outfit (5) collegium ring,  pocketed scarf, wrist sheath, signet ring (2) assortment of fake signet rings, silver chain set with moonstones, gold and emerald ring (2), garnets (631), gold necklace with jade pendant, ivory combs, tax collector’s badge, gold bracelet with ivory inlays, silver necklace set with rubies, gold earrings with jade inlays, silver and gold brooch, silver necklace with ruby pendant, disguise kit, covenant ring, tiny diamonds (26), Saryah Phidaner gown, masterwork thieves’ tools, onyx (55) personal signet ring, diamond and pearl lover’s knot tiara,  Turnbill blade of first forging (one of three), darkwood and platinum music box, silver bracelet set with bloodstones, platinum ring set with fire opal, silver and moonstone bracelet, holy symbol of Kozilek, dwarf journal

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage, Essa, eyeless hag, Baron Saltwheel, Baron Harmenkar, Colonel Tarl Ciarán’s wizard soldier, Victor, Beharri, Cebuano, Mayor Eryn, Chimera Trading Company, maker of the manacles, Calvados Eure, Law Offices of Lampblack and Brimstone, Peronell Missplitter, Nightmare Hag