I forgot how much breaking my routine discombobulates me. Yesterday I posted on the Grace blog instead of today, what a disaster! In order to make up for it (?) here’s a thing I wanted to write so I did. Back in the super Ela story I ripped off Deadpool 2 and had Ela interviewing new heroes. It wasn’t good but it was fun to write.
Meanwhile at the Halls of Justice Human Resources Department our dynamic duo faces their most challenging test to date!
Pete (tapping papers on the desk) – I don’t want to waste anyone’s time here so there’s one thing that I feel that I need to say up front, we already have a water person, Martialla. We didn’t want to deny you your chance to sell yourself but I don’t think there’s much chance that you’re going to be hired on honestly. If you want to continue we can but there’s just not a lot of call for more than one water person.
Sea Lion (examining a globe-shaped paperweight on the desk) – Is this real?
Pete (frowns slightly) – Uh, it’s a real paperweight if that’s what you mean. I’m not sure what you’re asking, real in what way? (he waits for a response but Seal Lion just sits back) So, uh, like I was saying we have the water thing covered pretty much so . . .
Seal (pointedly) – Do you though? The earth is mostly water. That 70% thing people say is just the surface area, by volume 98% of the livable area on earth is water. Is one person enough to cover tall that?
Pete – We do also have Leviathan as a reserve member. But people don’t really live in the ocean and most of our work involves, you know, people, people committing crimes, on land. So yeah we’re mostly a land based organization. And like I said we’re staffed up on water people.
Sea Lion (Seal starts to say something but Sea Lion talks over her) – Why do they call her Martialla the Super Mermaid? She’s not a mermaid, she has legs.
Pete – Uh, it’s just a name I guess, so did you want . . . uh . . .
Seal (leaning forward to draw attention) – It’s fine actually because we mostly do stuff on land anyway. We operate primarily on land, right Sea Lion? (she nods absently) We have super swimming powers but we don’t actually use them that much.
Peter (mildly surprised) – Oh really, what other powers do you have?
Seal (smiling) – Well we both have super strength of course, Sea Lion is stronger than I am, but we’re both very strong.
Pete (leaning back in his chair) – Is that so? Are seals strong?
Seal (nodding quickly) – Yeah, they’re strong, see the thing is most animals are stronger than humans by comparison. So almost everyone with animal powers has super strength. Like an 80 pound chimp is much stronger than a person right? Do you have a pet?
Pete (nodding happily) – I have birds.
Seal (face falling slightly) – Well birds aren’t, uh, a good example, but uh, have you ever tried to hold down a cat or a dog to give them a pill? They’re really strong for how small they are right? Animals are just comparatively stronger that people, something to do the muscle structure I think. So yeah, we have super-strength. Not like super super strength. You know?
Pete – Could you lift up a car?
Sea Lion (after Seal looks over at her) – Yeah I can lift a car. I threw my ex-boyfriends car into the river once.
Seal (leaning forward again quickly) – Because he was a bad guy! Not, not, you know, because of relationship stuff. I could lift up a little car maybe, like a compact, Sea Lion is the muscle in our duo, but we both also have super-agility.
Pete (dubiously) – From a seal?
Seal (nodding quickly) – Yeah, seals and sea lions are both very agile.
Pete (titling his head slightly) – I guess they are in the water, but not on land.
Seal – No, no, they’re still agile on land it’s not their environment right? Think about a gymnast in the water, they don’t lose their agility, it’s not just their natural habitat. Right? Seals and sea lions are both very agile and really flexible too. We’re basically like someone with cat powers in that sense. Do you have like an obstacle course or a gym or something? We could show you.
Sea Lion (after a moment of awkward silence) – We’re both trained combatants.
Seal (nodding again, eagerly) – Yes we’re both trained I hand to hand combat, judo, BJJ, I’m an expert in dirty boxing and I have claws.
Pete (making a face) – What? Seals don’t have claws.
Seal (smiling brightly) – They do actually, big claws on their flippers.
Peter (snorting) – Sure, technically dogs have claws.
Sea Lion – Those are nails.
Peter – What’s the difference?
Seal (holds her hand up and extends vicious 3 inch claws from her fingers) – See? Claws. Seal claws. Sea Lion doesn’t have claws but she’s stronger. And we both have a layer of protective blubber, which is what really gives us an advantage in a fight.
Peter (looking at them both in turn meaningfully) – What blubber? You both look like you’re a taco short of 80 pounds soaking wet.
Sea Lion (eyeing him) – I don’t think you’re allowed to comment on our bodies.
Seal (waving her hand frantically) – No, no, it’s in, it’s there under the skin. If you took a scan you’d see we have a thick layer of blubber. Like an x-ray or something.
Pete (confused) – And that protects you somehow?
Seal – Yeah, yeah, it’s like padding right? It’s like uh, ablative armor I think they call it. We’re almost immune to impacts. So punches and kicks and bullets can’t hurt us.
Pete (frowning) – Because of fat?
Seal Lion – It’s not fat, it’s blubber.
Peter – What’s the difference?
Seal (picking up a stapler off the desk) – Look, take this and hurl it at me as hard as you want, I won’t be hurt.
Peter (holding out a hand) – Oh, I don’t think that would be appropriate.
Seal (desperately) – Just launch it right at my face, you’ll see it won’t hurt me. Unless you get me in the eye, that’s not protected, but practically everything else . . .
Sea Lion – Or the butthole. (they both turn to stare at her) What? Our buttholes aren’t protected either. All our holes are vulnerable. It doesn’t come up much, but I’m just saying.
Seal (even more desperately) – That’s why we wear goggles when we’re on patrol, the eye thing isn’t an issue.
Pete – Bulletproof goggles?
Seal (after a moment) – I mean . . . no, not bullet . . . proof but they’re bullet resistant. I mean when’s the last time you heard of anyone getting shot in the eye?
Pete – Cylcopious got shot in the eye last week.
Seal (cringing slightly) – Well . . . yeah . . . but his eye is huge. Anyway, that’s where you guys could help us out. With some gear. You give us some body armor and some eye protection and maybe some . . .
Peter – Why would you need body armor?
Seal – Well . . . our blubber doesn’t protect us again blades or cutting attacks. It only works on blunt force impacts.
Sea Lion – Or heat.
Seal – Yeah, or heat. But that’s why I think we’d really be good for this because the issue with most body armor is . . .
Seal Lion – Or poison.
Seal (losing her temper for a moment) – No armor protects you against poison! (hands up) Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. We’re not unpowered right, we don’t need like a super-suit like Arsenal but we’re more like the super soldier level right? I think with our powers and some gadgets we could really be an asset to the New Justice Team. And you know if some water stuff does happen then Martialla and Leviathan could have us as back up. Or you know, they can go on vacation and we can fill in with the water stuff.
Pete (clicking his tongue) – Well you’ve made a better case than I expected. We aren’t really looking for a duo though, budget wise we can’t really afford two more salaries.
Seal (eagerly) – That’s fine, we can live with just one paycheck.
Sea Lion (taking out her phone) – We’re mostly just in need of the health insurance.
Pete (making some notes) – Well, it’s an interesting proposal for sure. How did you get your powers?
Seal – I was on a basketball trip for school and I got bit by a radioactive seal.
Pete (nodding absently as he writes) – Classic. How did the seal get to be radioactive?
Seal – I don’t know, it swam off after it bit me, no one studied it or anything.
Pete (looking up) – Then how do you know it was radioactive?
Seal (frowns for a moment) – I guess I just assumed . . . you know because I got seal powers . . . after.
Pete (looking to Sea Lion) – What about you?
Sea Lion (scrolling through her phone) – My mom is an ancient sea lion goddess or something. Some Native American thing.
Seal (hopefully) – Yeah, yeah, she’s totally half first nation, that’s good right? Like isn’t there a box we can check for that, like, uh, for a program or something?