Tag: magic

Amazing Grace – A Pale Horse

CUT TO: 

INT. MAIN TEMPLE – DAY 

The main temple is much the same as Lust’s shrine only bigger and more elaborate with even more outrageous scenes of debauchery and torture on the walls featuring Sevensworth. The sexy lady goons are holding Grace on her knees before Universe/Sevensworthand his two accomplices PRIESTESS, think Danai Gurira, and TOWER, think Aya Cash.  There are some others in ceremonial garb as well.  

AMAZING GRACE 

So what’s the spell? Opening a portal to hell?  If you’re going to be killing millions of people it must be something big. 

UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH 

Why would I want to open a portal to hell? 

AMAZING GRACE 

I honestly don’t know, but that’s what people like you are always trying to do. 

UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH 

There are no people like me. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Groan. Did that come right out of the evil wizard playbook? This whole thing has been paint by numbers you basic bitch. Please for the love of God tell me that you’re going to kill everyone in LA for something good. Are you going to open up the portals to the Martian pyramids? That at least would be helpful to NASA. We could get some of those rovers back too, those things cost a fortune. Plus I hear they’re lonely up there.  Have you heard about that one that sings itself happy birthday?

 
UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH 

There are pyramids on Mars?

AMAZING GRACE 

Why don’t you just tell me what your evil plan is so I don’t have to guess. 

UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH 

Gladly. I know you’ll appreciate this.  Once the preparations are complete and the bombs are triggered I will harness that energy of those deaths to enact the Conbulum Mectrotitium and expand my natural life span by 150 years. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(shocked)

That’s it? You’re not going to become a god or something? You don’t need to kill twelve million people for that! I took out a blood mage once that could do that with just six people! You are seriously wasting a lot of lives dude.

PRIESTESS 

You killed him? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Yeah, the spell doesn’t make you invincible, you can still be killed, it just keeps you from aging. 

UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH 

(annoyed) 

Silence!  Don’t, don’t listen to her, she’s just trying to confuse you and lead you away from our preordained mission. The bombs aren’t going to blow up the entire city anyway, you’d need a nuclear weapon for that. 

TOWER

Or a lot more bombs. 

UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH 

Or a lot more conventional bombs. We’re only going to kill a couple thousand people, and that’s for immortality for five people. That’s efficient.

AMAZING GRACE 

(stubborn)

The spell doesn’t make you immortal, all it does is  . . .  

UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH 

(annoyed) 

Do you know anything blood sacrifice? Because I don’t think that you do! There’s never been a blood mage that could pull of what I’m about to do with just six sacrifices, you don’t know what you’re talking about! The number of people we’re about to kill is totally appropriate for the spell we’re going to be enacting! The priests of the Aztec Empire . . .  

AMAZING GRACE 

Oh my fucking god, enough with the Aztecs! Please don’t tell me you’re one of those dark wizards who claims that the Aztec empire spread across all of North America conquering everyone and their power was based entirely on a system of blood magic sacrifice.  

UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH 

It was! Don’t act like I’m a flat earther or something, the archeological evidence is there! 

AMAZING GRACE 

I thought you were way into Crowley, not made up Aztec bullshit. What does an old British dude have to do with the Aztecs? Why not go full Hellboy and toss Rasputin in there too?  That guy got a bad rap, all he wanted to do was smash puss and somehow people decided that he was an evil wizard.  I guess he did smash a lot and he was a fuggo, maybe that warrants some questions.

UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH 

Shut up about Rasputin!  I think you’re failing to see what I’ve accomplished here.  I’ve improved upon Master Crowley’s works. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(pan to show that her bullet wound has healed and her back is writhing with blue magical energy, Godzilla power-up style) 

With cultural appropriation? 

Before he can answer Grace uses magical super strength and hurls off the women holding her like Neo in the Matrix throwing the Agent Smith copies. Climactic magical fight scene. Grace summons several copies of herself to hold off the goons as she goes for Universe/Sevensworth. The other leader types intercede and she takes them out one by one, think Scarlet Witch against the Illuminati in Multiverse of Madness.  

Priestess transforms into a massive snake in an homage to Conan. Make sure that’s not racist somehow, I don’t think it is but if that’s a problem have her turn into tiger instead. Grace is narrowly able to avoid the attacks of the massive serpent as her copies fight with the sexy lady goons in the background. Finally Grace is able to transform her hand into a butcher’s blade just like the man that attacked her outside of the occult shop and uses it to decapitate the snake, which then turns back into Priestess, dead.  

Universe/Sevensworth working with Tower sends a column of water blasting into Grace’s face, drive itself into her mouth and nose like tentacles. She chokes for a moment and then expels the liquid like a water tower blowing up. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Your ninjas already tried to down me in your pool, use a new element already. 

(rolls out of the way of a blast of flame like the breath of a dragon from Tower) 

No one ever uses earth. 

Grace dodges more dragon’s fire and then is attacked by the lead goon that shot her and Tower in melee combat, all of her copies are been shattered. Little pieces of those copies lay on the ground still “alive” like Mantis in Infinity War.  

Grace struggles to contend with her two attackers as Universe/Sevensworth moves around on the edge of the fight trying to get an angle for a spell. The tide turns when Universe/Sevensworth unleashes his blast of flame but Tower shifts right into the path and is burned to death instantly.  

The head sexy lady goon redoubles her attacks with a battlecry, driving Grace back, but Universe/Sevensworth summons a cloud of small daggers and hurls them at Grace’s back with a gesture. Grace takes control of them and send them into the head sexy lady goon, pincushion her. She stands there for a moment impaled by extreme prejudice. 

LEAD GOON 

You idiot! 

UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH 

How dare you speak to me that way! 

Lead sexy goon topples to the ground dead, Grace smashes Universe/Sevensworth with a blindside kick by shadow jumping. No magic now, she pummels him with strikes as he tries vainly to protect himself. He’s clearly not a fighter. 

UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH 

(on the ground, bloody, throws hands up) 

Stop! Stop this! Join me . . .  

AMAZING GRACE 

And together we can rule the galaxy? Is this the part where you talk about how because we’re magic we’re better than everyone else and their lives don’t matter as much as ours and we can do whatever we want? That we should join together and do evil magic shit together? 

UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH 

(desperate) 

Our lives are more important than theirs!  You have to know that!  The things we can do, the powers we wield . . .  

AMAZING GRACE 

No sale guy with no nose from Harry Potter. Tell me where the bombs are or how I turn them off or whatever I need to do. 

UNIVERSE/SEVENSWORTH 

And you’ll let me live? 

AMAZING GRACE 

No. 

Universe/Sevensworth licks his palm and starts chanting in Latin. Grace lightly touches him on the chest and it explodes outwards like in Alien, his heart flying into the air in an arc to slap down wetly on the floor. She spits on the corpse. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Look what you made me do! I hate that spell! 

(she looks around at the blood and carnage) 

I’m going to hate this even more 

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN IN SEVENWORTH’S MANTION – DAY

A pile of viscera sits on the counter.  Grace is rummaging through the sleek rich-person refrigerator.  She comes out with a couple bottles of fancy imported beer (product placement).  She pops the top of one, drains half of it, and sets the bottles down by the bloody mess.  Upon closer look there’s brain matter in the clump. 

Grace takes a deep breath and then shoves a gob of the bloody viscera into her mouth.  She fights for a moment not to gag, bracing herself against the counter.  After a moment she starts to mumble a spell around the disgusting lump in her mouth.  Blood spatters off her lips as she speaks with her mouth full.

Eventually the spits out the bloody gob with a coughing fit.  She drains the last of the first beer and most of the second before spitting some more and another coughing fit.  She turns on the water in the sink, sticks her mouth in the stream for a moment before pulling back and finishing the second beer and taking a big drink of the third.  She spits again angrily.

AMAZING GRACE

Fucking fuckers!

(she blows her nose on a towel expelling some brain, takes another drink of beer, slips out her phone and dials)

Yeah, you need to get in touch with the bomb squad, I have the locations of four bombs that have been placed around the city.  Yes, I have the exact locations, I can give them to you when you’re ready.  I don’t know, they can be triggered remotely but I don’t know if there’s a timer involved.  No, I’m not the one who put them there.  No, I don’t know what demands the people that did put them there had.  No, you can’t speak to them, they’re all dead.  I mean, I think so anyway, maybe some of them got away but most of them are dead for sure.  Yes, I can stay on the line.  Yes, I have the exact locations.  Yes.  Yes.  Uh huh.  Me?  I’m nobody, don’t worry about it.

(spits, looks around, softly to herself)

There must be a spare toothbrush in this place somewhere.  No, sorry, I wasn’t talking to you.  No, I don’t want to tell you where I am.  Terrorists?  I guess, what does it matter who they were now?  I just know okay.  Yes, I know this is very serious, I assure you this is not a prank of any kind.  If you don’t find any bombs where I tell you feel free to try and find and arrest me.  Yes.  Uh huh.  No.  I mean, yeah, kinda.

CUT TO: 

EXT. SUNNY BEACH – DAY 

Grace and MMA Dude are sitting at a picnic table drinking some White Claw (or other product placement) and digging into various containers of take-out.  Grace is wearing a classic lady jean-shorts and bikini top combo, showing that her legs and torso are covered with gnarly scars, livid bruises, and other blemishes – think Batman in Dark Knight.   

MMA GUY

So you actually know how to do the Dim Mak?

AMAZING GRACE

(around a mouthful of food)

Yeah, I hate it.

MMA GUY 

Huh.  I thought that was just a cool name.  Do you eat like this all the time?  You must work out a ton. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(laughs) 

Hell no, you know how many calories I burn casting spells all the time?  I basically ran a quadruple marathon and then climbed Mount Everest and then went fifteen rounds whoever is big in boxing right now the past few days.  I’ve almost died of exhaustion more than once, almost magicing myself to death.  Anyway, like I was saying I’m no phys-ad but my friend 42561 is one of the best and she will be there and she’ll be able to help you through it. 

MMA GUY 

Why is her name a bunch of numbers? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Long story.  Actually it’s not a long story at all, it’s just stupid.  This just a bug hunt so you’ll be fine. 

MMA GUY 

It’s not dangerous? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Oh no, it’s incredibly dangerous, there’s a very good chance that you will be killed.  I just mean that you’ll be fine, you know? 

MMA GUY 

I have absolutely no idea what you mean. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(answers her phone) 

Hey Ranni.  Yeah it’s all taken care of.  I saved the entire city and probably the world yet again, hooray for me!  Yeah.  I know.  I should have talked to that gold-digging widow about it.  I bet she sent the money to Dash’s account and now Ela is going to get it and put it up her nose or use it to hire mercs to try and kill me. 

(laugh)

Yeah.  Yeah, I know.   

(sigh) 

I’m sure.  I’m sorry Ranni, I don’t know how it works, if it’s genetic or what, no one knows really, but some people are magic and some aren’t.  I can’t teach you to do what I do.  I wish I would, I need all the help I can get, that’s just not how it works sadly.  Yeah.  Yeah.  I know.  It sucks.  Good to meet you, keep in touch, all that.  Yeah.  Yeah.  See you Ranni.  Stay tight. 

CUT TO: 

INT. RANNI’S APARTMENT – DAY 

Ranni is on her couch, a copy of the Necronomicon ex Mortis lays open before her.  The shadowy ghost of ALEISTER CROWEY, think Jonjo O’Neill, lurks nearby.

Aleister Crowley’s ghost

(otherworldly)

She’s lying.  With my method anyone can work magic.

RANNI

(thinks for a moment)

How do we begin?

FADE OUT:

“Season of the Witch” plays over end credits.

Amazing Grace – A Pale Horse

CUT TO: 

EXT. GRACE’S APARTMENT – DAY 

Grace is walking up the exterior stairs to her apartment door when a man in a dark hoodie and face covering like from the alley appears out of nowhere and lunges at her. With a quick move she sends him tumbling down but there several more are coming towards her by clinging to the walls like geckos. 

Grace magic-jumps to the next roof.  Sweet roof-top chase scene, think Fast Five or Quantum of Solace. During the process Grace smashes through the skylight of a heavy manufacturing plant and takes a bad spull. The goons magically float down after her and they engage a running battle through the dangerous and claustrophobic factory. Think Taken mixed with early Jackie Chan.  Grace makes use of the environment and improvised weapons along with brutal vital strikes to take down her foes. 

Magical flourishes – Grace climbs up a wall by stabbing her glowing fingers into it like climbing claws, one of the attackers leaps up at her and she drives her two fingers up through his chin and throws him like a bowling ball. Grace blinds a group of attackers with a flash of light and then knocks them off a high piece of machinery with a mighty gust of wind. Grace “catches” a magic blast of energy from one of her attackers and turns it into a massive super-jump into a double kick to the chest – super slow mo style.

Min-boss fight – Think Khabib Nurmagomedov or some other hot MMA star. Grace is headed for the exit when one last goon appears before her. He rips off his mask and hoodie, dude is scary looking. They’re both too exhausted to work any more magic, this is pure fisticuffs. Think John Wick vs Ms. Perkins in John Wick or Donnie Yen vs Collin Chou in Flash Point. 

Grace is victorious and stumbles out of the loud oppressive factory. 

CUT TO: 

EXT. CAMPING SITE – DAY 

Grace is sitting semi-nude on a picnic table healing herself with flashes of soft white life. Her bruises and nicks and cuts slowly disappear. It’s obviously an effort and she’s sweating buckets of bullets. Once she’s done with that she slips into the water, cursing at how cold it is, and immerses herself quickly, springing up and flinging her hair back. She holds her arms out with hands outstretched and chants softly. 

We see a magical red mark flare into life on her chest, then fly off and dissipate. And oily greyish light plays over her body for a moment. She trudges back out of the water and starts to dry off with some spare clothes. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(getting dressed) 

Try tracking me now you fuckers. 

CUT TO: 

EXT. SEVENSWORTH’S MANSION – DAY 

Sprawling rich person mansion in the sprawling hills.  Grace is approaching the complex through a wooded area adjacent to the compound finishing off a beer (product placement). She’s not sneaking, just walking normally, almost casually.  

As she nears the fence – WARNING ELECTRIC – she considers tossing the bottle away but then thinks better of littering and tucks it in her pocket. 

Grace rolls her shoulders and her neck for a moment and then takes a deep breath, reaching up and starting to rise into the air like she’s pulling herself up an invisible ladder with her hands and arms only. With a wave of her hand a camera on top of the fence shorts out and she swings her legs over and into the complex like a gymnast, stumbling and not quick sticking the landing. 

As she approaches the complex Grace defeats additional security measures. Two guard dogs come charging at her but she kneels down, slaps her hands on the ground and suddenly they both appear outside the fence whining and confused. A drone flies overhead but with a gesture it malfunctions as well. She bypasses two guards by pulling an Obi-Wan from A New Hope “what was that?” maneuver.  

Grace comes to a smaller building apart from the main building and slips in through an open window. The building is a shrine to the dark arts. Each wall covered with is arcane symbols and paintings like old Biblical manuscripts about the tortures of hell – people being devoured whole by weird beasts and demons in sadistic ways. Central on all these walls are depictions of great demons or dragons or other mythological creatures with the face of Sevensworth himself – think Mads Mikkelsen or Eddie Redmayne.  

Towards the front of this temple is a dark magic alter upon which a terrified woman in a sheer white dress, bound and gagged, struggles weakly.   At the same time Grace notices the sacrificial victim, a door opens and ELOISE MUNSON/LUST in cumbersome red and purple dark magic regalia comes out of a bathroom wiping her hands with a towel. Think Aubrey Plaza or Phoebe Waller-Bridge.  

LUST 

(tossing the towel behind her) 

Are you the exterminator?

AMAZING GRACE 

Yes. 

LUST 

Where’s all your gear? 

AMAZING GRACE 

We’re an all-natural outfit, environmentally friendly, I find the vermin and just crush them by hand. No chemicals.

LUST 

You could make some good side money on Onlyfans with that. Since you have violated the Sanctum of Lust you must however die. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Lust? I thought you were doing a four horsmen thing, not a seven deadly sins deal. Shouldn’t you be Famine or Death? 

LUST 

We’re based on the Tarot actually. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(eyes widen) 

Holy shit! Doesn’t that mean there’s like 80 of you?! 

LUST 

Just the major arcana cards, and we’re still trying to fill some spots.  There’s a hiring shortage right now you know. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(thinking) 

How many is that? I never paid much attention to tarot cards. Embarrassing for a magician I know. Your step-mother sent me here you get you.  She’s very worried about you.  Although I have to admit that you’re looking great.  You look 20 years younger than the pictures she showed me.

LUST

(runs hand over cheek)

The blood of the innocent does some amazing things.  It’s better than botox.

AMAZING GRACE

Getting right down to it huh?  On a scale of one to five what’s your level of interest in giving up your wicked new lifestyle and coming with me back to your stepmothers house?  Also, telling me what your boss mentor lover AC is up to would be great.  The full flip, like when James Bond fucks a lady and then she’s totally on his side because of his magic cock.

LUST

(dreamily)

He’s a great man.

AMAZING GRACE

Uh, James Bond or your Aleister Crowley loving master?

LUST

He is a prophet.  The world is sick but he’s going to heal it with our help.

AMAZING GRACE

Let me guess this world healing technique involves a bunch of people dying in horrible agony?

LUST

(smiles)

Sacrifices must be made.

Grace starts to move towards and Lust responds by aggressively licks her palm, chants some Latin and then holds her hands out like she’s pushing over a soda machine. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(looking down at herself)

Was something supposed to happen? 

Lust tries to make a run for it but is hampered by her robes and Grace catches her easily and knocks her out by smashing her brutally with the bottle from her pocket. Grace pulls a jeweled knife out of a sheath on the front of Lust ornate garb and uses it to cut the woman on the alter free. The woman has been drugged but Grace grips her by the waist and purges the drugs from her system with a crackling of canary yellow magic light. 

VICTIM 

(terrified) 

What’s going on? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(taking out her phone) 

I just saved your life. Venmo me whatever you think your life is worth later. For now you better get out of here. Head down the hill and I’ll have an Uber pick you up. Might take a while for them to get out here so hide in some bushes or something. 

VICTIM 

No, no you shouldn’t use Uber they treat their workers terribly, you should call Lyft. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(quizzically) 

I thought Lyft was the one were all the drivers were rapists. 

VICTIM 

Can you get a TaskRabbit to pick me up? 

AMAZING GRACE 

I am a TaskRabbit. 

(points to Lust)

Help me find something to bind her with, you’re going have to take her with you and keep her under wraps until I can get back in touch with you.

VICTIM

(aghast)

I don’t want to do that, she was going to kill me!

AMAZING GRACE

Yeah, but she feels really bad about it, she told me so just before.

CUT TO: 

EXT. SEVENSWORTH’S MANION – DAY 

As Grace is walking by the pool towards the main building yet another masked/hoodie minion tackles her into the water. More mystic assassins are splashing into the pool and they try to down her by pure weight of numbers. Think the scene in Unbreakable where Bruce Willis’s character almost dies.  

Grace manages to survive by flash-boiling the water into steam and horrifically burning her attackers. She slowly and painfully crawls out from under the pile of terribly burned men. Their flesh sticks to her like jelly as she hauls herself out of the pool and lies panting on the lawn for a moment. The toll of casting so many spells is starting to take its effect on her.  

She hauls herself up and soldiers on. 

CUT TO: 

INT. SEVENSWORTH’S MANION – DAY 

After passing through a kitchen and a hallway Grace is in a planning room where the evil plot is charted out like on a storyboard for a movie – they’ve planted 4 bombs across the city and they needed the computer system with the magic booster in the occult shop to be able to detonate them remotely with a spell and harvest the soul-energy.

AMAZING GRACE

(to herself)

I knew it was going to be a fucking bomb.  It’s always a bomb.  Fuckers.

She examines a progress chart reads –  

Universe – Complete 

Priestess – Complete 

Lust – In progress 

Tower – Complete 

Magus – In Progress  

While Grace is looking over the other documents strewn about she’s is shot in the back by a small caliber pistol. She turns and sees the lead sexy female goon with a gun in her hand. Grace tries to fight her way out of the room but more sexy lady goons in sexy outfits come in and between that and her injury and her exhaustion she’s overwhelmed by them and dragged away.

Amazing Grace – A Pale Horse

CUT TO: 

EXT. GRAVEYARD – DAY 

Funeral in the background. Grace walks through the rows of graves touching each headstone in turn. She moves to a tree and presses the backs of her hands to the trunk, followed by her forehead. Behind her slowly an indistinct form coalesces of mist and smoke. Dash’s face can almost be seen. Grace doesn’t turn to face the manifestation. 

DASH 

(voice hollow, far away)

In the movies it’s always raining during funerals, or overcast at the very least. There’s something wrong about a bright sunny day funeral. 

AMAZING GRACE 

This is LA, must happen all the time. 

DASH 

I suppose so. Dabbling in necromancy now are you Grace? I would have just lost a lot of money on a bet if I was still alive. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Good thing you’re dead then. 

DASH 

For sure, getting horribly murdered was really the best thing for me. You must be getting desperate if you’re resorting to this. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Well I have to avenge your death don’t I? The ax forgets the tree remembers, all that. 

DASH 

That’s cultural appropriation missy.  We’ve talked about that.  (beat) Are you okay? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(a few tears slide down her face) 

It’s been three years. I watched an episode of Star Trek that really spoke to me about trauma and how moving on isn’t a betrayal of the memory of the person we lost but in fact a way to hold on them. So I’m good now. 

DASH 

Which episode was that? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Uh, the one where everyone is on heroin I think. 

DASH 

Yeah, that’s a good one, not as good as the one where everyone turns into a lizard but still. Well, you didn’t summon me from the great beyond just to shoot the shit did you? What knowledge from the land of the dead can I impart upon you my old friend? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Who killed you? 

DASH 

I can’t tell you that. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Who are the four horsemen and what are they doing? 

DASH 

I can’t tell you that either. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(grinding her forehead into the tree in frustration) 

Why is necromancy so stupid?! 

DASH 

Stella would be very disappointed to hear you maligning her profession like that. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(voice cracking) 

Good thing I got her killed then so she doesn’t have to hear it then. 

DASH 

For sure, getting horribly murdered was really the best thing that ever happened to her. You should have told me when we met that your friends have a bad habit of being horribly murdered. A heads up about that would have been nice.

AMAZING GRACE 

I think I mentioned it, you might have been on your phone at the time and missed it.  You know how I don’t like to repeat myself  

DASH 

Ah, you’re probably right, my bad. So you’ve come here for advice from the grateful dead, well here it is, what I would do is stake out the occult shop. You should be there right now actually, whoever is behind all that is likely to show up on account of you killing their minion. Follow them and then work your way up the pyramid.  You know how these cultist types operate.  Very hierarchical.

AMAZING GRACE 

That sounds boring. 

DASH 

Oh yes, incredibly. But that’s what detective work is. Waiting, lots of waiting. 

AMAZING GRACE 

What if time is of the essence? What if their evil plan is already in motion? What if I need to take decisive action right now? 

DASH 

Then you probably shouldn’t be hanging around in a graveyard. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Have you . . . talked to Stella? 

DASH 

You know that’s not how it works. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Is it true? What they say about what happens to necromancers after they die? 

DASH 

Do you really want to know? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(after a pause) 

I wish I could see you one last time. 

DASH 

Go ahead and turn around. I won’t vanish right away, you’ll get a look. 

Grace straights and moves away from the tree, stepping backwards. After a moment she turns around, Dash’s ghost becomes distinct for a split second and then dissipates. Grace notices that a kid is standing there watching her. 

KID 

What are you doing? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Talking to ghosts. 

KID 

Cool. 

CUT TO: 

EXT. MYSTIC DOGS – DAY 

Grace is sitting outside the hot dog stand at a table eating fries and drinking an ice cold Coca-Cola. Discarded foil wrappers lay scattered before her. She has her phone on speaker talking to Ranni. 

RANNI 

I did some (sarcastic) hacking . . .  

AMAZING GRACE 

You don’t have to say it like that. 

RANNI 

. . . the soccult tore is owned by Henry Sevensworth. He likes people to call him AC. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Because he’s a big Lakers fan? 

RANNI 

No, because he’s a big Aleister Crowley fan. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(disgusted) 

Jesus, why does ever black magic fuck-O suck Aleister Crowley’s boney dead dick? That dude was the worst magician I ever saw. AC Green played in 1200 consecutive games! What did Aleister fucking Crowley ever do that was worth a shit? 

RANNI 

According to people on the dark web he summoned the worm of sixty winters one time. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Yeah, by accident!

(curious)

There’s magic stuff on the dark web? 

RANNI 

Looks like, where else would it be? 

AMAZING GRACE 

I don’t really understand the dark web. Is it the cloud? I watched that movie Unfriended but I still don’t get it. 

RANNI 

I’ll explain the internet to you later. The point is that Sevensworth is a big fan of Crowley and he’s probably the one that had me install the equipment at the occult shop.  And had the other person install the . . . uh, other stuff.

AMAZING GRACE 

You don’t know if he hired you? 

RANNI 

No, that’s the whole point of cryptocurrency, to anonymize transactions. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Like bitcoin? How does that even work? How is that money if it’s just pixels? 

RANNI 

Pixels? There’s no pixels, I’ll explain blockchain to you later too. Seventhworth loves Crowley so much that he lives in a mansion outside of town that was once owned by him. 

AMAZING GRACE 

That rancid pig molester had a mansion in California? 

RANNI 

Apparently. Sevensworth and his three disciples live there and have all kinds or orgies to power their magic, which also generates  a lot of noise complaints from their neighbors. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Oh, how original! Black magic assholes who love Crowley and have big fuckbeast parties all the damn time. They’re probably trying to open a portal to hell or some shit. It’s like these morons are all using the same tired old playbook from a century ago. Say what you want about esoterrorists but at least they’re trying new evil ways to ruin everything for everyone. 

RANNI 

I don’t know what that means. Are you saying this guy can really do magic? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Probably. The two women at the store were throwing around all kinds of magic and these dark magician types are very power oriented, being the assholes that they are, so the people further up the chain should be more power. Anyway, I’ll find out soon enough, send the directions to the god damn Crowley mansion to my phone. 

RANNI 

What? Like send you a link to google maps? Just look it up yourself. 

 AMAZING GRACE 

In the movies the support girl with a pony-tail and a Dr. Who bobblehead on her desk always sends the information to the field agent. 

RANNI 

I’m hanging up now. 

Amazing Grace – A Pale Horse

CUT TO: 

INT. RANNI’S APARTMENT – DAY 

Ranni is sitting in her living room on a laptop talking to Grace on speaker.  Grace is behind the counter in the occult shop poking around. 

AMAZING GRACE 

She said the four horsemen are going to ride, that’s some apocalypse shit.  What kind of computer network did you install for these people? 

RANNI 

A custom industrial control system.  The kind of thing you would find in a manufacturing plant. 

AMAZING GRACE 

So what, they’re going to open the dams the flood the city? 

RANNI 

There’s not enough water in the reservoir to drown a rat, we’ve been in a drought for ten years. 

AMAZING GRACE 

So what are they trying to do? 

RANNI 

How should I know? 

AMAZING GRACE 

You installed the damn thing didn’t you?! 

RANNI 

I just set up some hardware and ran some cables, I didn’t configure anything.  I have no idea what they wanted it for. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Can’t you hack in?   

RANNI 

Hack in to what?  What does that even mean? 

AMAZING GRACE 

I don’t know, can’t you connect to my phone and then I plug something into something here and then you find a big folder that says evil plans or something? 

RANNI 

Is that a serious suggestion? 

AMAZING GRACE 

You’re the expert, you tell me!  A woman just burned to death right in front of me rather than tell me anything but the store didn’t catch on fire which means it’s warded.  Which mean whatever’s here is pretty damn important to their plan. 

RANNI 

Warded with magic? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Yes Ranni, warded with magic. 

 RANNI

Well I don’t know!  Magic wasn’t real until yesterday for me! 

AMAZING GRACE 

Okay, so it’s a control system, can’t you scan for whatever they’re controlling?  Or signals coming from the store? 

RANNI 

Scan how?  Scan what?  Like in Star Trek?  What are you talking about? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Jesus Christ Ranni, give me something here. 

RANNI 

Maybe if . . .  

AMAZING GRACE

Hey, shut up for a minute will you?

RANNI

Rude.

Grace grabs a cable and follows it around the corner into a small cluttered office.  She opens a drawer in a desk covered with cables and wires.  Inside is a bizarre and nonsensical-looking array of carved bits of obsidian, human bones wrapped in copper wire, and a complete human skull held together with silver wire, connected to a wireless router with several vials of blood on it.

AMAZING GRACE

(clucking her tongue)

Right so when you were installing this network system computer thing how many skulls did you use?

RANNI

(alarmed)

What?

AMAZING GRACE

I’m going to assume that means zero.

RANNI

Maybe I should come down there

AMAZING GRACE 

Nah, don’t come here, the police will be here soon.  I’ll figure it out. 

Grace slips her phone away and repeats the sequence from Dash’s apartment.  She floats off the ground and her eyes turn blue.  This time though she smiles.

AMAZING GRACE

(otherworldly voice effect)

Gotcha fucker.

We hear police sirens as Grace floats back to the ground.  She closes her eyes, chants quietly for a moment and slowly turns translucent like the Predator.  She walks out the front of the store as the police sirens get louder.   

Police cars appear as Grace is walking down the sidewalk.  Eventually she realizes that there’s a policeman following her, not running or asking her to stop, just following.

AMAZING GRACE

(voice reverb like she’s talking through a fan)

Shit can you see me?

The policeman holds up his hand and it transforms into a blade like the T-1000 in Terminator 2.

AMAZING GRACE

(voice returns to normal as she appears fully again)

You’re not a real peace officer are you?

He lunges at her with the blade and she sways back Matrix style, falling on her ass in the process.  She trips him as he stabs at her and they have a brief ground-fight.  Grace eventually choking him out with a triangle.

AMAZING GRACE

(coughing and dusting off her shabby clothes)

Jesus, how many of you magic assassins are there in this deal?

CUT TO: 

INT. 3-2-1 ACTION! PRODUCTIONS – DAY 

Messy office with various movie posters on the walls, think Bowfinger or Harry’s office in Get Shorty.   Sitting at a cluttered desk is FRANCES SEWARD, think Anna Kendrick or Alison Brie.  Standing in front of her are two gratuitously topless women making out.  Hard.  Frances half-rises in surprise as Grace comes out of the bathroom. 

FRANCES 

This is a closed set! 

AMAZING GRACE 

This isn’t a set this is an office. 

FRANCES 

Well this is a closed office then. 

GRATITIOUSLY TOPLESS WOMAN 

(looking at a script) 

Are there new pages?  Where are we? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(slapping her on the back, jiggle physics) 

You got the part! 

OTHER GRATITITIOUSLY TOPLESS WOMAN 

What about me?

AMAZING GRACE 

You got the part too!  Now beat it. 

FRANCES 

(still halfway crouching awkwardly) 

Hey you can’t just barge in here and . . . 

AMAZING GRACE 

(pulls up chair across from Frances the woman get dressed and leave) 

Sure looks like I can because I’m doing it right now.  You should probably sit down, your calves have to be burning.

(looks around) 

I know that I’m not one to throw stones when it comes to conformity, but this is an odd sanctum for a magician. 

FRANCES 

I have no idea what you’re talking about. 

(Grace points a finger at her and zaps her with a little spark) 

Ow!  My nipple! 

AMAZING GRACE 

Yeah, I have good aim.  Look I’m magic, you’re magic, let’s skip over that part and get to the part where you tell me what the fuck you did at that Raven and whatever occult shop with your bailing wire and human bones and pieces of the true cross or whatever. 

FRANCES 

(goes pale) 

How did you . . .  

AMAZING GRACE  

(wiggles fingers, sparkling with magic energy) 

A little bit of this. 

FRANCES 

Look, I needed the money. 

AMAZING GRACE 

That’s a question about the human condition they’ve been debating for years isn’t it?  Do we really need money?  Society might be better without it eh?  But then how would gross poor people get what’s coming to them?  It’s tricky.  I don’t care about the why honey bunny, I want to know about the what. 

FRANCES 

You know how wi-fi works? 

AMAZING GRACE 

No 

FRANCES 

Well I did like that, only for magic. 

AMAZING GRACE 

That doesn’t make any sense. 

FRANCES 

(annoyed) 

You asked, I told you. 

AMAZING GRACE 

What would whatever you did be used for? 

FRANCES 

Working magic at a distance. 

AMAZING GRACE 

You don’t need a computer system for that. 

FRANCES 

(more annoyed) 

Look, what I did is installed a talisman for the wireless signals from the network system to help carry magical energy, most likely to remotely control a techno-magic device.  Several devices probably based on the power it was capable of handling.

AMAZING GRACE 

I’ve never heard of anything like that. 

FRANCES 

Well now you have.  Would you please leave, I have a lot of work to do today. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Yes, very important stuff going on here.  Who hired you? 

FRANCES 

I can’t tell you that. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(with a hard look) 

Oh, I bet you can. 

FRANCES 

I can’t actually, spell of silence, beat on me all you want and I can’t say anything. Since we’re both (air quotes) magic you know about that.

AMAZING GRACE 

You can cast a spell of silence? 

FRANCES 

No but the person that hired me can.  I can’t do shit.  I’m just trying to make movies here.  I want no part of your ugly magic world. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(looking around disdainfully) 

Sure, you just sit in your crappy office keeping to yourself and making bomb detonators for blood magic cults.  You’re not involved. 

FRANCES 

You don’t know what it’s for! 

AMAZING GRACE 

Neither do you do you?  I bet you didn’t ask.  You knew though, you knew.  So this is what you do with your gift huh?  The sacred gift of magic has been given to you and what?  You use it to mindfuck some thirsty blondes from Nebraska into working for scale?  To get some low rent wannabe bigshot moron to sink all their car dealership money into making Slime Planet Five? 

FRANCES 

(sneers) 

Oh what, with great power comes great responsibility?  Thanks Spider-Man.  Don’t waste my time with that tired shit, get the hell out of my office. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Magic is a sacred calling, it is our responsibility to . . .  

FRANCES 

Give me a fucking break.  Do you expect every person without magic to be a cop?  Or a firefighter?  Or join the military?  Everyone has the power to do something, but no one gives them shit for not giving all their money to charity or bringing a homeless person to live with them.  I don’t owe the world anything more than anyone else just because I have some very minor powers.  We’re not special because we can do a few tricks, were just people.  You do not have a sacred duty to protect the world.  Do you understand how arrogant that is?  How delusion you sound?  You are not the sword in the darkness, you are not a superhero, you’re just a sad lonely woman trying to make yourself feel important. 

AMAZING GRACE 

I’m a person who’s trying to help! 

FRANCES 

(waves arm) 

Go then, go help everyone and leave me alone. 

(cutting off Graces next remark) 

You want to call me a coward?  Fine, I’m a coward!  It’s easy for you to say that, look at you and look at me?  What I am going to do about anything?  How am I going to stop anyone from doing anything? 

AMAZING GRACE 

You don’t have to engage in a rooftop struggle to the death with anyone, you have magic! 

FRANCES 

Yeah, you definitely don’t look like you’re been in a bunch of fights.  I can’t anything.  My magic is weak.  Unless you think I can fight crime by making lightbulbs flicker or fucking up someone’s router. 

AMAZING GRACE 

I can teach you, I can . . .  

FRANCES 

I don’t want to learn from you!  I’m not like you.  I’m just trying to make my way in the world. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(stubborn) 

You have an obligation, you . . .  

FRANCES 

To what?  Get myself killed because you watch too many action movies? To run around like an idiot until they shoot me down like a dog?

AMAZING GRACE 

Yes.  That’s what we do.  We use our abilities to protect those that don’t until we die from it.  Yes. 

FRANCES 

(shake head) 

You are in insane

AMAZING GRACE 

And you made a bomb. 

FRANCES 

(disgusted) 

Well here we are then, I’m the evil supervillain and you’re the hero.  You’ve got me dead to rights.  What are you going to do?  Beat the shit out of me?  Banish me to the Phantom Zone?  What’s it going to be “hero”? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(thinks) 

Probably what I should do is break all the bones in your hands and feet.  I don’t know how to cut someone off from magic, I know that spell exists but I don’t think anyone has had the juice to pull it off for hundreds of years.   But the bone thing would probably stop you for a while at least. 

Amazing Grace – A Pale Horse

CUT TO: 

INT. RANNI’S KITCHEN– NIGHT 

Ranni’s kitchen is large but looks unused.  Grace is pawing through the fancy smart refrigerator while Ranni sits at the island looking confused and shaken. 

AMAZING GRACE 

(ducking back out out a Chinese food container in hand) 

Can I have this?  I’m starving. 

(Ranni nods and Grace starts eating cold noodles with her fingers) 

RANNI 

I have forks. And a microwave.

AMAZING GRACE 

My hands are clean. 

RANNI  

(incredulous) 

You were just wrestling with two men in a filthy alley. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Grappling.  I was grappling with them not wrestling.  Wrestling is something different entirely.  Trust me on that, I know.  Also striking, there was striking as well.  You want to tell me what’s going on now?  Since I saved your life and everything I feel like maybe you owe me that much.

RANNI 

Are you going to tell me what’s going on? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(shrugs) 

I told you, I’m magic. What else is there to say?  I’m like a superhero, I save the world all the time from magic shit.  One time an old worm god was going to turn everyone into zombies.  Another time a giant ape with two heads was going to do . . . something.  I never figured that one out exactly.  But I stopped them.  I’m like that guy in the movies.  Sherlock Holmes. 

RANNI 

Sherlock Holmes doesn’t do magic! 

AMAZING GRACE 

(waving with a fistful of floppy noodles) 

But you know, that guy in the superhero movies.  The pasty dork with the stupid accent all the women love.  Albert Cummerbund.  Ricky Bandersnatch. 

RANNI 

Benedict Cumberbatch? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(looking around) 

Sure, whatever, that guy with the hypnotic eyebrows.  I’m like him.  Or that dumb kid from the books.  Or that other guy.  Where’s your trashcan? 

RANNI 

You ate that whole thing already? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(annoyed) 

I told you I missed lunch.  It wasn’t even full.  

(tosses the container in the sink) 

Look are you going to tell me what you were meeting with Dash for or do I have to ask you eighteen billion more times? 

RANNI

Was Dash magic?

AMAZING GRACE

Nah, he was just a PI that I ran into once when we were both working on the same thing.  This woman thought that her husband was cheating on her, which technically he was I guess since he was humping a harpy, but it wasn’t his fault.  I’m not proud of it but I did laugh hard when I saw the look on his face.  I broke the mind control the harpy had going over him right in the middle you know?  Can you imagine the face a guy would make if he ‘wakes up’ and finds himself balls deep in a harpy?  The situation wasn’t funny but I had to laugh in that moment you know?  Anyway, that’s when I met Dash.  We’ve been friends ever since.  Until someone hacked him to bits anyway.

RANNI

You’re serious aren’t you?

AMAZING GRACE

(groaning)

Yes!  Look, you already saw me do a bunch of magic shit right?  I can do some more if you want more proof but seriously can we just get on with it?  I really hate this part.  Magic is real, just you know, accept it and crack on?

RANNI 

(after a pause)

I installed a computer system at an occult shop.  That’s what Dash was interested in.  I had no idea he was looking for a missing person, he got in touch with me to ask about the shop.  This was serious equipment I was installing, a ton more compute power than a little shop selling fake magic crap would ever need.  That’s why he was so interested.  He wanted all the details I had on that.

AMAZING GRACE

Did you tell him?

RANNI

Yeah, there’s no confidentiality in the stolen computer parts installation world.  So wait, if magic is real is the stuff they sell at those occult shops real? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Some of them sell real magic stuff, depends on the shop, probably not though.  What was the meeting tonight supposed to be about? 

RANNI 

I had already given him all the information about the system, there wasn’t much else to talk about.  This thing tonight was more of a social call. 

AMAZING GRACE 

I get that, Dash was a good-looking cat before someone ripped his face off. 

RANNI 

(sliding off her stool) 

I need to take a shower, I got all grimy in that alley. 

(sexily)

Care to join me? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Do you have any crackers or cake or anything?  I’m starving over here.  I missed lunch.

CUT TO: 

INT. RHYME AND RAVEN OCCULT BOOKSTORE – DAY 

The store is so crammed with “magic” trinkets and knick-knacks that there’s barely room for customers to move down the aisles.  Under the large glass counter are skulls and bizarre mummified creatures and old books.  Behind the counter stands SHARON JACKSON.  Think Emily Ratajkowski.  Grace walks up to the counter from deeper inside the store. 

SHARON 

(confused)

I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.  Where did you come from?

AMAZING GRACE

The spirit world.

SHARON

Really?

AMAZING GRACE

No.

SHARON

(sourly)

Is there something I can help you with? 

AMAZING GRACE 

People just never seem to see me coming, must have one of those faces you know?  Anyway, I’m looking for a love potion, do you have anything like that?  There’s this guy at the Subway by my house.  Sploosh, you know what I’m saying?  Anyway, I’ve been hanging around there getting soda refills and put the vibe out there but he’s not picking up what I’m putting down for it so I was hoping to get a little help from old lady magic.

SHARON

(smiles slightly)

Well love potions don’t exist exactly, it would be kind of creepy if they did wouldn’t it?  The implications with love potions being real are not very pleasant.  Nothing here is magic either, not in the way people think about such thing, what’s true is that that crystals promote the flow of good energy for physical and emotional benefits, they help rid your body and mind of negative energy.  Crystals are matter that holds energy, and since we as humans being are also made of energy, we can exchange that energy with the crystal.

AMAZING GRACE

That certainly sounds scientific and true.

SHARON

(nodding)

It’s been proven many times, Eastern cultures have known about the power of crystals for centuries.  I can’t give you a love potion but I can definitely help you with your Subway guy.  You can’t use crystals to affect the energy of other people but what you can do is use them to present the best version of yourself to this man, and well then if he doesn’t respond to that then you don’t need him right?

AMAZING GRACE

Amen sister, there’s a Quiznos just up the street, who knows where love and salted cured meats might be found!

SHARON

Eh, right, what I’m going to recommend for you is some ruby and rose quartz, when applied properly these crystals can help prompt feelings of inner strength and growth that support your own sense of sexuality and sensuality.  The key to relationships revolves around trust and harmony, and with these crystals you can bring self-awareness and recognition of that truth to yourself to encourage love, respect, trust, and self-worth, as well as restoring lost vitality and energy levels.

AMAZING GRACE

That all sounds great, I’m chronically low on vitality I find, but did you say ruby?  Isn’t that a jewel or a gem?  How much does something like that cost?

SHARON

Well it depends . . .

AMAZING GRACE

Can you print out a price sheet for me to look at?  I’d like to know just how much love and sexual energy I can afford you know?

SHARON

No, we don’t have a computer here but I can . . .

AMAZING GRACE

Really?  I happened to be riding my bike by here the other day I thought I saw a woman with a very flattering haircut here installing some routers or servers or something.  Wasn’t there a big van out front with a horse airbrushed on the side? 

SHARON 

(coldly)

What is this in regards to? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(takes a piece of paper out of her pocket with BADGE written on it)

It’s relating to an investigation ma’am. 

SHARON 

That’s the worse illusion I’ve ever seen.

AMAZING GRACE 

(raises an eyebrow)

It usually works fine, all your crystal energy must be interfering with my mojo.  I’m not a cop but I am a private investigator. Some of the equipment that was installed here may be stolen and I need to examine it, serial numbers and so forth.  Do you have an invoice from the installer?

SHARON 

I don’t believe you, and even if I thought you were a PI I wouldn’t have to tell you anything. 

AMAZING GRACE 

It’s just some wires and shit right?  What’s the harm in telling me?” 

SHARON 

Is that the best you can do? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Pretty much yeah, I’m trying to work on my social skills, I have an app on my phone to learn empathy and everything. 

Sharon grabs a .45 automatic out from under the counter.  Grace holds out her hand in a “stop” motion and makes a pinching gesture with the other and the gun falls apart in Sharon’s hand, the bullets rattle on the floor like hail on a tin roof.  Before Grace can make another move a second woman blindsides her and the two of them slam into the glass counter.  

AMAZING GRACE 

(she turns the tables on the woman and pins her against the counter) 

Jesus, where the fuck did you come from?! 

Grace has to let the second woman go as Sharon lunges at her with a bejeweled dagger across the glass counter.  Quick fight scene with magical flourishes.  Sharon is able to make the bullets fire themselves off the floor.  Grace dodges them and catches the last one in a glowing green hand, redirecting the energy of the bullet into a massive punch that knocks the second woman out.   

Sharon seems to have Grace on the ropes with knife-thrusts and flashes of magic fire until Grace slams into her with a shoulder throw and then captures her in a jointlock.  Sharon calls on her magic to sprout spines like a cactus and Grace lets go with a curse.   

As they come back to their feet Sharon hurls the dagger and guides it magically but Grace reflects it back at her with her own magic instinctively.  The dagger buries itself in Sharon’s belly and she staggers to the front of the store.  Grace catches her and pulls the dagger out. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Oh no, no you don’t. 

Grace starts to heal Sharon like she did in the alley with Ranni, but Sharon clenches her fists and starts muttering.  Grace smacks her in the face.  

AMAZING GRACE 

Hey!  Stop that!  No! 

Grace’s blue healing energy is disbursed and she jumps away from Sharon as her knife wound starts to leak not blood but fire.  Grace watches in horror as Sharon jams her hands into her wound and pulls her stomach open like a couch cushion.  The liquid leaking out catches on fire in the air. 

SHARON 

The four horsemen will ride!  You will die!  Nothing can stop it! 

Grace rubs her hands together like she’s trying to warm them up and then holds one palm-out, spraying fire extinguisher foam on Sharon as she self-immolates.  Check out that (fake) video of a flamethrower versus a super fire extinguisher – it’s like that.  The flames can’t be denied.  Sharon is quickly reduced to nothing more than some blackened bits of bone. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Well.  Shit. 

Amazing Grace – A Pale Horse

CUT TO: 

INT.  CLUB OBSIDIAN – NIGHT 

In the bathroom BATHROOM GUY, think Sam Rockwell or Bill Hader, is standing in front of the mirror giving himself a pep talk.

BATHROOM GUY

Tonight’s the night man.

(points)

Your night!  You’re going to score and score bigtime!  Take it to the hole like Ron Jeremy man!  Who’s the man?  You the man!

(awkwardly shadow boxes)

You’ve got the brains, you’ve got the looks, you’ve got the moves!

(dances even more awkwardly)

You’re coming for them and they don’t even know it!  They’re gonna get it!  Wham!  Right in the ass!

(talks to crotch)

This is it bud, you’re going to come out and punish some bad bitches tonight, you’re gonna . . .

Behind him there’s a small flash of light in one of the stalls and then Amazing Grace walks out, Bathroom Guy shrieks and jumps forward in surprise, smacking his head on the mirror so hard that it cracks.  He falls to a sitting position on the floor holding his bloody head.

AMAZING GRACE

Oh shit, sorry man, I didn’t think anyone was in here.  You’re very insignificant, I mean cosmically on that level, that could really come in handy.

BATHROOM GUY

(trying to stanch the blood from his head)

What are you doing in here?  This is the MEN’S room!

AMAZING GRACE

(looks him over)

You sure about that briz?

(she starts to walk out but then turns back)

You know what bruh?  I want to apologize for that last remark.  Just because you’re small and weak and based on stink of Axe body spray coming off you a douchebag doesn’t mean that I should imply that you’re not a man.  I shouldn’t have said that.  That wasn’t cool.  I don’t want to contribute to the culture of toxic masculinity by being one of those woman who cuts down a man for not conforming to a certain body type for way of dressing or whatever.  That’s not what I’m about.  I’m sorry.

(helps Bathroom Guy to his feet)

BATHROOM GUY

(straightens clothes)

You know the best apologies come from the mouth but not like that.

(reaches for fly)

You want to apologize apologize to the Punisher.

AMAZING GRACE

(moves forward slightly and crushes Bathroom Guy with a punch to the liver, leaving him twitching on the floor)

You know what man?  I don’t feel great about what I just did there either.  I come from a world that preaches ‘talk shit, get hit’ but that doesn’t make it right.  We all learned that from Chris Rock and Big Willy right?  You were being gross but responding to words with violence is just the kind of childish nonsense I was just talking about not being in favor of.  I am sorry that I bought into chauvinist stereotypes and I am supes sorry that I blasted your liver, and I think made you crap your pants based on the new stink that your Axe body spray can’t even cover up.  Also I’m sorry because I don’t think a liver punch can kill someone but you kind of look like you’re dying.  So, uh, I’m gonna go now then.

(she turns to leave and sees the bathroom attendant)

Have you been there the entire time?

BATHROOM ATTENDANT

Yes ma’am.

AMAZING GRACE

(shakes head)

I am off my game tonight.  You’re not a shadowman are you?

BATHROOM ATTENDANT

I don’t think so ma’am.

AMAZING GRACE

Huh.  Well, have a good one man.

Club Obsidian is not a pulse-thumping dance club.  It’s a low-key upscale domicile for the rich and unfamous.  It’s a place for rich people who want to go out and make bad decisions without being hassled.  It has an air of decadence and quiet desperation.  Grace exits the bathroom.  She looks around and  spots RANNI sitting at one of the smaller bars.  Think Nicole Scherzinger.  Grace takes a seat next to her.   

RANNI 

(eyes Grace coldly) 

I’m waiting for someone 

AMAZING GRACE 

(peeks behind the bar) 

Good new, I am someone.  Bad news, you’re waiting for Dash and he isn’t coming.  Do they have beer in this place or just like bathtub gin in a jelly jar or some shit?

RANNI 

(getting up to leave) 

If Dash isn’t coming then I guess I don’t have anything to wait for here. 

AMAZING GRACE  

(sits back down) 

Can you just give me two seconds here?   

RANNI 

(rolls her eyes) 

Let me guess, you’ll make it worth my while? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(shakes her head) 

What?  Like with money?  Hell no, I’m flat ass broke.  Nah, I’d like you to just tell me what you were up going to tell Dash.  

(looks towards the end of the bar) 

Do they have nuts or pretzels here or something?  I got stood up for lunch and I’m starving. 

RANNI 

Why would I tell you anything? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Well I’ll tell you why, because Dash is dead.  And I have to assume that it’s because of a case he was working on.  And because you’re the only person I know he was working with.  So what’s it going to be?  How about you tell me whatever you were going to tell him and I’ll get out of your hair.  Speaking of that’s a very flattering haircut.  I’m not much of one for hair usually, you can probably tell that from looking at my haircut, but what you have going there?  That’s stylish.  I like it.

RANNI 

(incredulous) 

Who even are you? 

AMAZING GRACE 

A friend of Dash’s 

RANNI 

(shaking her head) 

Dash didn’t have any friends. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Oh sure he did, Dash and I were thick as thieves we were.  You don’t have like an energy bar or something in that tiny little purse do you?  Or a Snickers maybe.  I mean, you don’t look like you eat candy bars, just something like that you know. 

RANNI 

(apprehensively) 

Is Dash really dead? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(nods) 

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a person who was deader.  Maybe once in Tuscon.  Maybe.  I don’t think he had a single solitary drop of blood left in his body.  You weren’t going to tell him something about vampire were you?  I hate vampires.  They’re not like in the movies you know.  They’re gross trash monsters like raccoons.   I just had a vampire deal a few months ago, I’m not ready for another.  They’re awful.

Vampires are not like what you see in the movies.  They don’t have super strength, they can’t turn into bats, they don’t have mystical powers, they’re very sick people who are forced to feed on the blood of others to survive.  They need to be put out of their misery.  One thing they got right in movies is that turning someone into a vampire is a curse, and curses don’t make you cool sexy immortals who own nightclubs and ride motorcycles.

RANNI 

(confused) 

Vampires? What are you talking about?

AMAZING GRACE 

(stifling a sigh) 

Look, you don’t have to trust me, can you just give me a hint about that you were helping Dash with?  He’s dead, nothing you tell me can hurt him now and I’d like to know what happened to him.  We were friends.  Plus there’s a missing woman.  A missing woman with a very rich relative, sort of, who wants her back if that’s the kind of thing that motivates you.

 RANNI

I don’t feel safe talking here.

AMAZING GRACE

Alright then, s’go, I can stop somewhere on the way and grab some Twin Bings, I’m starving.  I missed lunch.

CUT TO: 

EXT. NARROW ALLEY BEHIND CLUB OBSIDIAN – NIGHT 

Ranni and Grace exit through a staff door, immediately a man in a dark hoodie with a face covering slams the door into them.  Ranni is sent sprawling, Grace is unmoved and unharmed.  Grace knocks the attacker back with a front kick and slams her forearms together like she’s clapping.  Blue energy bursts into life from her fingers down to her elbows.  Think Godzilla powering up for atomic breath. 

Another man in the same fake ninja get up charges at her from the other end of the alley.  A short but brutal fight takes Grace and the two men.  Grace leaves traces of blue magic “electricity” as she strikes and sometimes red light on her feet as she leaps and sidesteps.  She knocks one man out by windmill slamming him on the ground.  The other she chokes unconscious.   

Ranni sits on the ground dazed with a bloody welt on her forehead.  Grace kneels in front of her, taps her fist on the ground twice, whistles a short tune and then runs her finger over Ranni’s forehead.  The wound closes up like a zipper shutting.  Grace tears a piece of her ratty Wal-Mart t-shirt off and hands it to her.   

AMAZING GRACE 

There you go, good as new.  Unless you have a concussion.  Nothing I can do about that. Concussions are tricky.  I met a witch once who could deal with them but she lives up in the mountains.  It’s a real pain in the ass to find her let alone actually get there.

RANNI 

(wiping the blood off her face) 

What was that? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(glances at the fallen attackers) 

Probably the guys that killed Dash.  They must have been waiting for you.  Or maybe they followed me from his apartment?  Whoever killed him is magic too so maybe they’re scrying on us right now.  Mostly they might be scrying on you because I’m protected from scrying.  It’s tough to pull off but people can do it.

(flipping the bird in random directions)

Fuck you whoever you are if you’re watching us right now!

RANNI 

(waving her free hand) 

Not that, YOU!  What were all those lights?  You lifted that guy off the ground with one hand! 

AMAZING GRACE 

Oh shit, did you not know about magic?  Magic is real and I have it.  Pretty cool right? 

Amazing Grace – A Pale Horse

CUT TO: 

INT. DASH’S APARTMENT – DAY 

Dash’s LA apartment is all windows and light, small but modern.  It’s sparsely furnished and decorated, the kind of place that someone lives but isn’t a home.   After some fumbling sounds the door swings open, Amazing Grace enters. 

AMAZING GRACE 

You better be dead you goat fucker.  I waited for you for over an hour and there’s no reason . . .  

Grace comes to a stop as she sees Dash dead on the floor.  Think Brian Tyree Henry.  Dash is sprawled out face-down on the floor and the room it splattered with blood, far more than you would expect from a run of the mill crime scene.   

AMAZING GRACE 

(sighs) 

My Christ Dash, what did you get yourself mixed up in this time? 

Grace checks out the bedroom to make sure no one else is there.  Once back in the main room she peers around the room deliberately as if she’s looking for things unseen.  Once she finishes her scan she moves closer, careful not to disturb anything.  She squats for a moment and runs her eyes over the body. 

AMAZING GRACE

Fuckers got you good didn’t they?  Took some souvenirs off you looks like too.  Fuckers.

Grace stands and closes her eyes, murmuring indistinctly with her hand held out, fist clenched.  With a quick move she flips her hand over and opens it.   Dash’s phone floats smoothly off the floor where it fell by his outflung hand.  The phone stops and hovers above Grace’s palm.  Grace flicks a finger towards it like she’s getting rid of a bug and the phone suddenly comes to life with a full battery.  She waves her hand like swiping on Tinder and the phone unlocks.   

She scrolls through the phone with her fingers a few inches away, manipulating the phone remotely, not touching the screen.  She seehs a lot of calls and texts from someone listed as GOLD-DIGGER in regards to a case.  She sees a calendar appointment at Obsidian Bar with INFORMANT at 8 PM.  She taps her thumb and pinky together three times and the phone dials GOLD-DIGGER.  It goes directly to voicemail without announcing who it is. 

AMAZING GRACE

(in a deep masculine voice, VO from Dash)

This is Dashiel Flint ma’am, my sincerest apologies but I have being called out of town unexpectedly.  In order to keep your case moving forward I am going to refer to you a colleague that will be picking up the investigation with you permission.  I have the utmost confidence in her abilities but I understand that this is an unusual request and I assure you that that this is not how I like to do business.  Unfortunately in this instance it’s unavoidable.  If you’re not satisfied with your arrangement I can offer you a full refund of the retainer and any invoices already paid.  But, as I said, I give you my assurance that this colleague will deliver results and I vouch for her with complete confidence.  At your convenience please contact her at (number)

With another gesture the phone turns off and floats back to the exact spot it was on the floor next to Dash’s hand.  Grace takes some deep breaths, stretches her shoulders and then floats lightly a few inches off the ground like the kids down in the sewer in IT.  Her eyes slowly turn a bright shade of electric blue.  After a few seconds she floats back down to the ground and her eyes change back.

AMAZING GRACE

Not going to make it easy for me huh?

(she speaks to Dash’s body)

Well we know one thing for sure, this is some magic shit right here.  If this had something to do with me Dash I’m sorry.  I’ll find out.  I guess I’m sorry either way.  You were a good dude Dash.  Most of the time anyway.

Grace takes one final look around the room and then leaves.  

CUT TO: 

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION – DAY 

Outside the mansion gates Grace sits in the driver’s seat of a battered ‘64 Acadian Canso.  The car has such things as claw-marks, acid-burns, and bullet-holes across the body.  Grace is flipping through her phone learning about GIGI MUNSON, think Eli Jane or Jenae Altschwager.  We learn that Gigi married a much older wealthy man, inherited $120 million when he died 2 years ago, and that she was once an outspoken member of CAN – the cult awareness network – but has since renounced the organization. 

Grace tucks her phone away, exits the Canso and slips in through the gates while they swing open to hike a comically long distance to the front of the mansion.   

CUT TO: 

INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION – DAY 

Grace and Gigi are sitting in a finely appointed living room, Gigi poised on the couch like a queen and Grace perched awkwardly like a gargoyle on a funky modern art looking chair. 

GIGI 

Can I get you something to drink? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Maker’s Mark and Code Red Mountain Dew if you have it, toss in some Skittles. 

GIGI 

(polite but annoyed)

How about some ice tea? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(waving her off) 

I’m good actually.  I want to apologize again for Dash being called away so suddenly, he had an urgent family matter that he had to attend to, but I can assure you that I’ll be pursuing this case aggressively in his absence.  I didn’t get much of a chance to talk to Dash before he left town so I thought it best that we speak in person, Dash gave me access to everything he had but he’s not big into record keeping, client confidentiality and all that.  You never know who has access to your files right?

GIGI 

Do you know if Dash had any leads on the location of my step daughter? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Yes, I’m going to meet someone with some information later today, but could you start from the beginning please?  I want to make sure I’m not missing anything.  In these types of scenarios it’s not good to assume anything.

GIGI 

(takes a moment to compose herself) 

Ela and I were never close but we had as good a relationship as we could have given the circumstances.  I never tried to be her mother, that would be ridiculous since she’s three years older than me.  But I didn’t pretend that we were friends either, I think she respected that. All I could do was I try to be there for her as much as I could.  I knew the kind of problems that she was facing.  After Hal died Ela and I started spending more time together, getting closer than we had before.  Most people treat me like a gold-digging slut but Ela knew that I really loved her father. 

(she wipes away a tear) 

I was sick in love with Hal.  Ela knew that and it was something that brought us together after he passed.  A few months ago things between us were better than they had ever been but then her behavior became increasing erratic.  She . . . has issues with drugs, but this seemed different.  I struggled with the same thing for years, I know what that looks like, this was . . . something else. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Like what? 

GIGI 

(she takes a deep breath and then plunges in) 

I was a 17 when I came to LA.  I had already been using meth for two years.  Everyone I met out here, man or woman, was looking to abuse me or hurt me or turn me out.  LA is a city full of dreamers and that makes it a city full of predators as well.  But some of the things I saw, or think I saw, were beyond . . . any sort of human exploitation.  Some of it was play-acting, people making a show, wanting attention.  But I saw, or think I saw, some things I can’t explain.  I’ve worked with a dozen different therapists, specialists, memory recovery experts, all sorts of people.  I still don’t know for sure what was real and what was in my head from those days. 

I remember being at a party.  There was a stripper there, and a gigolo I suppose, I remember several women I knew from the tennis club having sex with him while wearing hideous masks.  I may have as a well.  I can see him clearly in my mind.  He’s lying on a low table made of white stone.  He’s looking very satisfied with himself until his eyes widen when one of them slits his throat.  The blood, I see the blood.  They all come at him with knives and they hack at his body, ripping pieces of this flesh off and shoving them I their mouths.  After he’s dead and they’re covered with blood and bits of muscle they were chanting and holding candles and things . . . happened.  Things that don’t make sense.  Other memories I question, other memories I have may or may not be true.  But that . . . that one I am convinced is real.   

(folds hands) 

That must sound insane to you. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Not at all.  Trust me, I know reality is a lot more flexible than people like to think.  I’ve seen shit that would make your pubes fall out.  You must be bringing this up because you think your step-daughter is involved with something like what you saw? 

GIGI 

I don’t know what she’s involved with.  When she started acting oddly she would talk about the Apocalypse and Revelations and Judgement Day.  At first I thought she was talking about the Bible, they really try to shove Jesus down your throat in some of those 12-step programs.  It can be helpful . . . sometimes.  She’s had a lot of sadness in her life.  It seemed natural that she might turn to religion in some way.

But this wasn’t anything to do with religion, not any legitimate religion anyway.  She would talk about aliens sometimes and a comet and some of that conspiracy crap about shapeshifters.  She talked about this old occultist named Aleister Crowley like he was a god or some kind of messiah.  She that she had made friends that were all about gaining power and how suffering was the natural human condition so it was okay to make othe people suffer for your own benefit.  They were going to help her gain power and then no one would ever be able to hurt her again.  She sent me all these links to bizarre subreddits and Youtube videos, some of which were advocating acts of violence. 

What really concerned me is when she moved out of her apartment, I don’t know where she went.  She’s not returning my texts or calls anymore and I don’t know how to get in touch with her.  I would have assumed that she was backsliding, going on a bender, I know some old friends of hers were in town which is a trigger for people like us, but I went to this occult shop where I saw she was spending a lot of money at to see if they might know where she was.  

(pause) 

I just got a bad feeling about that place.  The woman behind the counter.  Didn’t seem right to me.  I didn’t speak to her I just turned around and left.  I think I might have been followed by someone when I was coming home that day.  It could just be paranoia but since that day some odd things have been happening.  That’s when I contacted Mr. Flint. 

AMAZING GRACE 

What kind of odd things?

(Gigi holds up her phone and shows a video of crickets coming out of a water faucet when turned on)

Well, that certainly fits the bill.

GIGI

I’m worried that Ela is in danger.  I’m worried that anyone I send after her is in danger.  The things I’ve seen . . . I’m thinking I should call this all off.  I don’t want anyone else to be hurt.

AMAZING GRACE 

(making an awkward gesture of comfort)

Don’t worry about that at all.  I’m a professional.  I know how to take care of myself so don’t give that notion a second thought.  I’m going to do my level best to find out what’s happened to your step-daughter.

GIGI

(wiping away another tear)

Thank you

AMAZING GRACE

Thank you, you’ve been very helpful, and I apologize once again for you having to go over this all again.  One last thing, can you verify the spelling of your step-daughter’s name?  Dash probably ran her through all the usual databases but I have a few other sources I like to check out in situations like this. 

GIGI 

Have you worked many cases like this? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Sadly yes.  It’s amazing how blasé we are as a society about people disappearing.  People throw around this platitude that when someone disappears because it’s because they don’t want to be found.  To me that’s like coming across a dead body and assuming they killed themselves.  It’s the easy way out intellectually, gets you off the hook.  People like to pretend that when someone goes missing they just ditched and have a new life somewhere else, because the alternative, the truth maybe, is too ugly for them to think about. 

Amazing Grace – A Pale Horse

(I thought it would be fun to write an in-universe screenplay for my other blog where a guy writes a story about the main character that is not representative of her personality, attitude, or magical abilities in any way. It was fun. Since I’m not doing anything here right now I thought I’d post it serialized for whatever enjoyment it may bring.

(Trigger/content warning – kinda gross)

FADE IN: 

INT. BROKE TO YOLKED MMA, BISHOP CALIFORNIA – DAY 

The gym is wrecked.  The bodies of defeated MMA dudes lay all around on the floor.  AMAZING GRACE stands amidst the carnage choking out one of the last men standing.  Think Mackenzie Davis in Terminator or Betty Gilpin in the Hunt.  Maybe even Gwendoline Christie.  Someone splitting the difference would be ideal.   Grace throws the man she choked out to the ground and the last last man standing is there to confront her.  Think Danny McBride or Walton Goggins. 

MMA DUDE 

We are the Heirs of Dim Mak! 

AMAZING GRACE 

Yeah, I’ve heard that like fifty times already. 

The MMA dude goes into a precise martial arts kata, magic energy starts to dance across his body as he sways and moves.  Grace steps forwards and knocks him on his ass with a straight headbutt.  She holds out her hand and a discarded funky martial arts sword flies smoothly into her palm.  She pokes MMA Dude in the inner tight with it and he scoots away desperately, hitting the wall as bloody spews from the wound. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Hey Siri. 

SIRI  

(voice from pocket) 

Uh huh? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Set a reminder to start working the phrase “Don’t bring your dick to a machete fight” in conversation whenever possible. 

SIRI 

Okay 

MMA DUDE 

How did you do that?! 

AMAZING GRACE 

(confused) 

Do you not have a smart phone? (she glances at the weapon on her hand) Oh, you mean this?  Magic.  But you know that you were just doing . . . oh, I see, how am I so damn good at it?  (steps forward and presses the blade against his crotch) I don’t know how advanced you are in your training so this may come as a surprise to you, but all the theatrics?  You don’t need them.  They help, but you don’t need them.  All the chanting and the hand movements and the singing and candles and shit, or in your case karate disco breakdancing, those things are like putting up the bumpers when you’re bowling. 

Magic is like masturbation karateman.  When you’re going to jerk off you dial up the Redtube or Pornhub or the camera you hid in your underage neighbors daughter’s room and you lube up your fleshlight and get your butt plug ready and your noose and everything and all that helps you get the job done.  It makes things much easier.  But you don’t need all that right?  You could do the whole thing just with your mind.  Crazy right? 

When I was in the army there was a dude in my unit that could get hard and pop off without even touching himself, just by thinking about it.  People would come from all over to watch him do it.  The army is a weird place .  Anyway I’m like that dude, only with magic.  I cast spells most of the time because I like to make things easier for myself just as much as the next person, but in a pinch, shit happens just because I want it to.  Fuckboy physical adepts like yourself probably shouldn’t mess with someone like that should they?  You didn’t know though so I can’t hold that against you.  What I can and will do is stab your dick off if you don’t tell me where it is. 

MMA DUDE 

Where what is? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(sigh theatrically) 

Come on karate man, don’t be like that.  We were having a nice friendly death battle here, don’t make things turn ugly with lies.  I don’t want to neuter you but I will.  Oh sure, when I was new to magic I went through a dick ripper phase.  I was working through some stuff from my childhood.  You know, you find a serial rapist, rip his dick off, and you feel good for a while.  You feel like you’ve done something for the world.  But I’ve outgrown that, you can’t go around being angry and dick ripping all your life right?  

(stabs in other thigh with a bright arc of blood) 

But here we are karateman, so tell me where it is right now. 

(MMA dude points shakily to a staircase, Grace gestures with the weapon) 

Thank you, lead the way. 

MMD Dude walks nervously up the stairs with Grace at his back.  They enter a small spare office with an old battered desk.  Grace points with her weapon. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Stand in the corner. 

MMA Dude moves to the corner as Grace sits behind the desk and starts looking through it. 

MAA DUDE 

(peeking over his shoulder) 

What exactly is it anyway? 

AMAZING GRACE 

(she stops looking and puts the blade down on the desk) 

There’s a place in Germany called Wurzburg, or at least there was in the 17th century, maybe it’s gone now.  A girl lived in Wurzburg named Gobel Babelin and according to record she was a total knockout karateman.  They put that on Wikipedia.  She had all the stuff guys liked back in the 17th century, weird swan necks and pointy foreheads, who the hell knows what they were into.  Because she was so pretty the Mayor of Wurzburg or whatever they had at the time wanted that pussy real bad.  Real bad. 

But Gobel Babelin wouldn’t give it up to him because that was when God was a big deal and He didn’t want anyone to have sex.  Plus that was back before lady orgasms had been invented so what was in it for her anyway?  As you probably know guys don’t like it when women won’t give up the puss.  So the Mayor did the only reasonable thing he could do given the situation.  He went to his priest and said that Gobel Babelin was a witch and she had enspelled him.   

At that time God hated witches even more than He hated people having sex.  So the Inquisition, which was a real thing as it turns out, grabbed Gobel Babelin.  The Inquisition tortured the fuck out of her to see if she was a witch.  They tortured her real good.  She never said she was a witch though because probably she wasn’t and she knew God was watching.  They cut her head off anyway just to be sure.   I can only assume at that point the mayor got want he wanted with her headless body.

After they burned that headless body a passerby found an iron nail that she had in her pocket.  I don’t know if you know this karateman but sometimes when someone experiences enough trauma and despair and horrible shit and then dies all that evil black magic mojo they release can turn something on them into a magic artifact.  Crazy right?  And that’s what happened to that nail.  Somewhere along the line someone melted the nail down and turned it into a little blob, it’s supposed to be art I guess.  It was safe in France for a long time with some magic people there but they’re all dead now and it was sold to a rich guy right here in the US.  Then your master stole it.  Now I’m here.

MAA DUDE 

Oh. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Yeah, oh.  Not much else to say is there?  Magic is fucked up sometimes. 

(she opens a drawer and pulls out a dull grey metal blob) 

And here we go. 

MMA DUDE 

What are you going to do with it? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Destroy it. 

MMA DUDE 

But you said it has power. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Oh yes, a shit load of power.  If your master had used this instead of sticking it in a drawer he could have knocked my tits off when I walked in the door instead of getting his ass kicked.  Maybe he didn’t know how to use it.  Or maybe he realized that it’s evil and didn’t use it on purpose, that would be nice if that was true.  I don’t know what he’s been teaching you karateman but this is what you do with magic abilities.  Destroy evil things like this.  Ripping off drug dealers or whatever you chuckleheads are doing, that’s shenanigans.  You have fucking magic!  You have magic.  You’re a superhero!  You should be Batman, not a douche. 

MMA DUDE 

Batman doesn’t have any powers. 

AMAZING GRACE 

Yes, that’s the point I was driving at, thanks for paying attention.  Get the fuck out of here. 

MMA Dude scurries off.  Grace takes a deep breath, closes her eyes and holds the blob in her fist out in front of her.  She murmurs softly under her breath and after a moment there’s a bright flash of purple light.  She opens her hand and the iron has been reduced to just a few flakes.  Across the room a woman appears dressed in old German peasant clothing – think Milana Vayntrub or Carly Foulkes. 

GHOST 

Wo bin ich? 

AMAZING GRACE 

Sorry, I don’t speak German. 

The ghost fades away quickly, think Thanos dusting people in Infinity War 

OPEN CREDITS 

During the credits “I Enjoy Being a Girl” from Flower Drum Song (or a new cover?)  plays over a montage of Grace in violent fights like the beginning of Deadpool 2.  Mostly physical stuff but with a few magical flourishes.  She dishes it out but this shows her taking a lot of punishment too. 

Other stuff post – a third of an idea for nothing

There’s probably a way this story could be wedged into the Grace blog but I don’t think it would work best with the main character not being the focal point.  Which is kind of the flaw with the Grace blog overall, often when I think of an interesting (to me) magic premise, it has her being more of an observer than an active participant.  I’ll probably do nothing with this idea.

There’s this lady you see and she’s just hanging out doing lady stuff.  Based on every sitcom ever that probably means she’s either putting lotion on her hands or folding laundry.  Sitcom ladies love putting on lotion and folding laundry.  Then her wedding ring starts thrumming.  As you might imagine she finds this disconcerting.  Actually yeah, let’s go with the lotion idea, she takes the ring off for the lotion and then said ring starts vibrating and hopping around on the nightstand.  That would be cool. 

WTFF she thinks (you know what the extra F is for) and she grabs the ring as it pops up into the air of its own accord.  Before she can get too freaked out about that though she suddenly knows “oh shit my husband is in trouble” and his exact location pops into her head.  She hops into the car and tears off down the street.  She has a little trouble with the wheel because her hands are slick from all that lotion but she manages.

As she’s driving, the location in her mind is moving and she eventually realizes that she’s heading for the hospital.  Uh-oh, Spaghetti-Os she thinks.  She gets to the hospital and runs in and asks the lady at the counter (are those always nurses or do they have administrator people hanging around?) if her husband is there and when they’re trying to help her and/or blow her off she follows her mental homing beacon into the ER where her husband is all ripped up.

“You can’t be in here!” someone shouts and they push her out the door.  A doctor comes out and says her husband was in a car wreck and they did everything they could but he’s dead, deader than every dead dog that ever died.  She’s sad, funeral happens, sadness, etc.  She mostly forgets about the whole crazy wedding ring thing because it’s so sad.

But then one day she sighs and goes to do something with the big plastic bag of her husband’s stuff they gave her at the hospital and when she pulls out his wedding ring, both rings go bonkers and start shining with a bright light and spinning around and flying around and what have you.  Which is pretty freaky but she’s still too sad to care much about it.

The very next day a dude shows up at the house and he’s all like “Your husband and I were old pals and he told me if he ever died suddenly that I needed to come tell you a secret”.  And she’s not into it because she’s like “I know all my husband’s friends and I’ve never seen you before” and he says they hadn’t seen each other in a long time but he has something really important he has to tell her so she has to let him in right now.

She’s not buying it but she says “go ahead and tell me then if you have something to say” and he barges in and tries to rip the ring off her finger.  I’ll say she’s wearing both rings at this point, that seems like something a fictional person would do if their spouse died.  Maybe even a real person would do that.  If I want things to get really hardcore, he has some tin snips and he tries to cut her finger off to get the rings.  Point is, they tussle and she gets her gun because she’s in the coast guard?  Do you get a sidearm in the coast guard?  Maybe she’s in the naval reserve. 

Anyway the guy goes ‘bleeeeeeeaghhhhhh!” and runs at her like dudes like to do in movies when ladies have guns and she plugs him.  And she’s all like WTFFF?

The cops turn up and she’s telling them about it and one of the uniformed officers is like “I need to take these rings for evidence” and she’s like “What?  Why?  How are the rings evidence?” and then she does some Sherlock Holmes stuff and realizes that this dude is not a real cop.  He notices her noticing his uniform and he’s like “I’m actually an auxiliary policeman so that’s why my buttons look weird” or whatever the thing is that she Sherlocks. 

She calls out to the lead detective and is like “What’s the deal with this guy trying to take my rings?” and the dude bolts and it’s a whole thing. 

That’s a decent first part of a story, but like most of my ideas it’s really a third of an idea.  Her husband was a magic man because magic is real and there’s secret magic people out there.  He enchanted their wedding rings so he’d know if she ever got into trouble but without intending to it also worked the other way round – she was alerted when he was injured.  Now that he’s dead these other evil magic people want these rings because he was pretty dang magic and he put most of his magic into the rings and they’re a valuable commodity. 

So I have a first act and an antagonist and that’s about it.  What happens then?  That’s generally as far as I get with story ideas and I wonder, once again, if that’s because I’ve spent so much time running RPGs.  In an RPG, a set-up and a bad guy is usually all you need.  The players don’t need much incentive to send them running off in every direction doing all kinds of stuff, much of it insane in the membrane. And by all kinds of stuff I mean mostly violence.  Spending time building out story beyond that can be an exercise in frustration because 77% of the time you’re never going to anticipate which way the PCs are going to jump.  It’s uncanny how good players are at unconsciously thwarting the GM. 

Zero tips for overcoming writer’s block (and one for overcoming tennis elbow)

My elbow hurts. I haven’t played tennis in years. I wish I still did. Use an elbow strap to protect the injured tendon from further strain.

I haven’t been very motivated to write recently so I have nothing today. I look down my nose when people post about how they have nothing to post about but I’m nothing if not a hypocrite. I could force myself to write something but since I’m just doing this for fun there’s no reason. WP is 33% posts about what to do about writer’s block, but when you’re just writing as a hobby why not lean into it?

Speaking of WP the other day I logged into something with my e-mail and it said “welcome sopantooth!” It enrages me. Quit connecting all my shit to other shit without my permission, internet.

One time no one asked me about the origin of the name sopantooth. For reasons unknown, I had Spanish toothpaste written down on my “ideas” pad and when I had to create a user name I mangled that into sopantooth. Why didn’t I use my real name? Because I am old.

You see when the internet first became a thing it was all about whacky fake names, no one used their real name on the internet, that would be crazy! You didn’t want people on the internet knowing who you were. You’d be killed for sure! Nowadays the internet is all about detailing every aspect of your real life to people so they can like and subscribe and give you five stars and follow all your social media. But I am slow to adapt.

I started reading The Poppy War, it’s pretty good.

Apples are the only fruit I like that are consistent. I like pears and peaches but they’re too unpredictable – it’s hard to get a good one all the time. At this point in my life I’ve undoubtedly eaten thousands of apples, maybe tens of thousands. And I realized in all that time I don’t think I’ve ever eaten one upside down. I don’t know why, but that really bugs me. It literally makes no difference which way you hold an apple – why do I always put the stem up?

I wondered how monkeys and apes eat apples. Most monkeys don’t have hands big enough to hold an apple so that doesn’t count. From what I saw apes mostly do it like we do, but not always.

Did you know that you can’t fool birds with sleight of hand? I didn’t. Human brains fill in the gaps, which is what stage magic relies on – you didn’t actually see whatever move in the magicians hand but you assume that it happened. Birds only act on what they actually see. So keep that in mind if you ever want to trick a bird.

And yet you can fool dogs by pretending to throw a thing. I suppose because dogs are smarter than birds and paradoxically smartness makes you vulnerable to foolingness.

I read this week that due to new technology, Death Valley is no longer known to be the hottest place on earth. The high temperature there is merely 134 degrees and thanks to new satellite shenanigans they now know that it gets up to 177 in the Sonora desert. Death Valley is therefore now lame. Please adjust accordingly.