Bonus Post – It’s a map! Beeeaaaaaaaaah!

I really wanted to write bonus pope instead of bonus post. I wonder what a bonus pope would be. Just an extra pope I guess.

Talking about how great Dolly Parton is has become so trendy that I now hate Dolly Parton. And she didn’t even do anything. You did it.

Here’s North America in the alternate world of Elaverse #2. If you look very closely you can see there are some very subtle differences from the North America we know today.

New map!!!!

As you all know I post a new map every 37 Wednesdays, but why? The number 37 symbolizes the Force, the Capacity and the Power. Also because of Clerks. I recently added Clerks to the list of movies I have to stop watching because I was starting to not like them anymore.

Which flag is your favorite? Answer in the comments to be entered into a drawing for a 1994 Ford Taurus!

Mede 30 Year 888 (New Imperial Calendar) Part 5

Without much of a by your leave the three watchmen, well one watchman, one watchwoman, and one watchboy left the inn.  They didn’t even haul away either of the dead bodies.  I guess their job is to explain the bodies not get rid of the, but now what happens if some other watch people come by and see corpses laying around?  Are we just supposed to say “no it’s okay, some other people already investigated this” and they just go away?  They never talk about that in the Annebelle Spaulding books, what happens to the body after she unmasks the murderer?  It’s usually the vicar.  What the Hells is a vicar anyway? 

After they were gone Rindol, looking disgusted as ever, made like he was going to leave as well.  I tried to whistle to get his attention but cats don’t really have lips so it didn’t work so well.  In the end I had to jump down and get in front of him.

“Hey, wait a minute, before you run off I need you to hail me a coach over to Cladarielle Staelish’s house on Paddock Street.”

“A cat in a coach?  Preposterous!”

“Yes, what will the city fathers think?  Don’t bust my chops just do it Rindol.”

“Why should I?”

“Because I saved your life in the woods.  Remember that?  I was just fooling around when I said I knew about that because I’m a witch.  I know I look different now but surely you remember my voice – I’m her, it’s me.  I just got turned into a cat.  The least you can do is help me out here.  Your life has to be worth that much.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.  And even if I did I have no money for a coach.”

“Yes, I remember your friend Murdane lecturing me often about how you scholarly types don’t need money.  I’m not exactly sure how you get by still, but that’s not the matter at hand.  There’s a dead merchant upstairs who had a bunch of money.  There’s some money in the lieutenant’s room as well.  Plus unless she grabbed it before she ran off Kichwa has to have some coin stashed around here as well.”

His face puckered like he smell something sour “What are you suggesting?!”

“You said that you didn’t have any money, I just told you there’s a bunch of money here no one is using.  What I’m implying seems pretty clear.”

“Madam, I am no thief.”  

I sighed, which came out as more of a little hiss “Look Rindol, I don’t want to be a bitch about this but here’s the deal.  I saved your life.  I am asking you in return to do a very reasonable thing.  If you refuse to do this when I get turned back into a person, and I assure you that I will, I will make it a special mission of mine to find you and fuck you up.  I can’t tell you exactly what I’m going to do because I don’t know, but I’ll come up with something good.  Take this as a threat or a promise or a guarantee or whatever you want to call it, but Rindol it’s going to happen.  Unless you help me right now.  This is not a big deal Rindol, you can just do this thing and everything will be fine okay?”

Apparently it wasn’t okay because he left.  And just to be an asshole he shut the door firmly behind him so that I couldn’t get out.  I could jump down from the window on the second floor and in theory that should be fine because I’m a cat but it just doesn’t seem right.  As a human I could have done it, but when I’m this small it seems like a mile down.  Plus I feel so light that I can’t imagine landing safely – I feel like I’d fly apart.  A customer has to come by at some point and open the door right? 

While I waited I explored the rest of the place more thoroughly, in Kichwa’s room I found some armor and a sword that looked like they hadn’t been used in years.  I guess she must have been a soldier or something, not a good one I have to assume based on how skittish she was.  I found a journal as well but with my cat eyes I wasn’t able to read it.  I wonder who owns this place now.  Probably since no one is here to pay taxes it will become the property of the city to be auctioned off but I bet anyone could just come in here and start running it and everyone would just go along with it.  Possession is nine tenths and all that. 

After a couple hours no one had come in so I started to get worried.  The hardcore alcoholics should have turned up by now.  I sent to the second story window, you know the one with the barbecued merchant hanging out it, and jumped into the sill beside him.  The sun was starting to go down and the streets were starting to get really busy before they emptied out.  I waited for things to thin out a bit and then picked my candidate – a tall scrawny stick-looking woman in dirty clothes with a shovel over her shoulder.  Her black hair was cut scandalously short and was dusted with grime. 

“Hey you, do you want to own a tavern?” 

She stopped and looked around in confusion “Who said that?”

“Up here, next to the dead body, the cat.  Me, I’m talking.”

“Why isn’t your mouth moving?”

“That’s your issue with the situation?  Just come inside.”

She gestured “There’s a sign on the door that says you’re closed.”

I cursed Rindol under my breath “Just come in.”

I jumped out of the window and cat sprinted downstairs – I’m not sure why exactly, I guess I was afraid that she might leave.  I got down into the common room just as she was closing the door and looking around.

“Slow night huh?  Is that why you’re closed so early?  Or is it the other way around?”

“You don’t seem that shocked by a talking cat.”

“I’m used to it, there’s a talking cat down at the graveground.  His mouth moves though so it’s a little different I guess.”

“There is?”

“Yeah.  It’s a black one like you, only his fur isn’t nearly so fine.  It’s on the mangy side of the equation.”

“What does it say to you?”

“Mostly it tells me to burn things.  Sometimes we just chit chat, but mostly it talks about arson.”

“Good Gods.”

She leaned her shovel against the wall, moving behind the bar to pour herself a beer “I don’t do it.  At church they have a cat, the priests say that cats search for devils or signs of their mischief.  So I figure this one is just a little confused.”

“Do you believe that?”

She shrugged and took a long drink of her beer “I guess.”

“Do you want to own this tavern?”

She looked around “It’s pretty nice.  But I don’t know anything about running a tavern.”

“That’s the beauty, you don’t need to – you just own the joint.  You hire a cook to make the food and you hire a maid to take care of the rooms and to get her ass grabbed and you hire a barmaid to serve drinks and to get her ass grabbed and you just sit back and count the money.”

“That sounds pretty good.  What do I got to do to get it?”

“Just get me a coach over to Paddock street, and get rid of a couple bodies.”

She laughed “That should be easy, I’m a gravedigger.”

“You were, now you’re an innkeeper.  As a bonus two of the dead people had some money you can take and some stuff you can sell if you’re so inclined.”

“Sounds like a deal.  My buddy Leffy drives a coach, I’ll go grab him.”

She walked out the door and I was left to wait.  It was honestly one of the more excruciating experiences of my life waiting to see if she was going to come back or just walk away with a crazy story to tell her drinking buddies about a talking cat.  She left her shovel behind which gave me hope – surely if you’re a gravedigger your shovel is your most prized possession.  She wouldn’t leave that behind would she?  If the Duke’s wife really wanted to torment me she should have turned me into an animal.  I’ve never felt this helpless, I can’t even open a door on my own.  A small dog could murder me at any moment.  Part of me is swearing that I never want to feel this way again.  Another part of me is thinking this would a good thing to do to the Duke if I can figure out how.

It was over an hour before the gravedigger came back, walking with her was a broad-shouldered fellow with dun colored hair and a shirt with a wide collar.  He looked more like a blacksmith or a stevedore to me than a coachman – they tend to run on the lean side and this fellow looked strong like a bull.  The gravedigger pointed at me and said that I was the cat she was talking about, before the man could say anything I greeted him and he jumped back as if he had been snakebite, which caused his friend to laugh coarsely.  She continued chuckling as she moved behind the bar to help herself to another beer.

“Afraid of a little pussy huh, Leffy?  I always thought you might be that way the way you and Erac’s cousin carry on!”

Leffy took a few steps backwards towards the door “What are you?”

“I’m her fairy godmother.  I gave her this inn for being good.”

I heard the gravedigger laugh again from behind the bar.    

Leffy had a look of awe on his face “And you want me to drive you to a house on Paddock street?”

“Yes, someone lost a tooth over there and I need to put a copper under their pillow.”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hair regrowth progress :  NA 

Funds: None

XP: 348,051

Inventory:  Animal Totem Tattoo (Lion), Enchanted Tattoo (Storm)

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard, Forsaken Kin, Law Offices of Office of Glilcus and Stolo, Jey Rora, Colonel Tarl Ciarán, Mayor Baras Haldmeer, Rindol the Sage

Moreavan 20 Year 887 (New Imperial Calendar)

I was so steamed about Hellerhad getting over on me that I didn’t even try to sleep, I sent the early part of the night staring out my bedchamber window and seething – it takes a lot of effort to maintain a good seeth.  I’m getting pretty good at it though.  Consequently I was awake when the holy symbol started vibrating and I retrieved it from my belongings.

“Ahoy.”

“Who are you?”

“You called me silly, shouldn’t you know?”

“What happened to Tesseria?”

“I feel like you know the answer to that.”

“Do you know what you’ve done?!”

“No, why don’t you tell me?”

“I’m going find out who you are and I’m going to kill you.”

“Get in line pal.  Look while I have you is there a way to make this thing contact other people?  It would really help me out of I could retune this thing.”

There was no answer.  For reasons unknown this exchange calmed me down enough that I was able to get a couple hours of unneeded sleep.  At the crack of dawn the team and I were on the road again heading towards the vast tracts of land belonging to Baron Stellos Canto – it’s farther than we can travel in one day even with this superior (maybe magic) coach, and as much as it would tickle me to stay the night at the Relonge compound it’s probably not a good idea. Hence we were left to camp out of doors.  Well, everyone else was anyway, I would be sleeping in the coach of course.  Despite that I was sitting around the fire, being companionable you know, when I noticed that Hardra was missing from the group. 

“Where’s Hardra?”

Everyone looked around in that way that makes you know instantly they have no idea where someone is and didn’t notice they were gone. 

“Tudos are there orcs or other dangerous monsters around here?”

“Not really My Lady, these lands are well settled, every now and then someone has an issue with a giant spider but . . .”

I involuntarily started slightly “Don’t even joke about that!”

“It’s no joke my lady, last summer old farmer Feltcher had his prize hunting dog eaten by a spider the size of a cart – had to get some fighting men down to take care of the nasty thing.  One of them was bitten by the Gods forsaken thing and lost a leg to the venom I reckon.”

I reached out with my boot and half kicked, half flipped a burning branch onto Otacvio’s feet, who had fallen asleep – as per usual.  After a moment he came to life, jumping up and kick it off.

“Ow, shit, Gods!”

“Hey warrior, our chaperone was carried off by a giant spider . . .”

Tudos frowned “We don’t know that My Lady, I just said that . ..”

“She was lassoed around the neck by spider silk and dragged off into the darkness to be injected with venom and drained dry, nothing left but a bag of skin and bones.  You need to go rescue her.  Are you sober enough for a rescue?  Or drunk enough?”

He grinned, the confident and moronic grin of the inebriated “Always My Lady.”

As he stomped off into the darkness Martialla had a worried look “Maybe I should go with him.”

I waved away her concerns “He’ll be fine, he’s a professional.”

“A professional drunk maybe.” Altos piped in.

I glared at him “Isn’t it past your bedtime?  Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

Perhaps half an hour later Otacvio sauntered back into camp, only stumbling slightly in the darkness. He sat down heavily in the same spot where he was sleeping before and seemed about to be about to instantly fall back to doing the same.  I threw a pebble at him.

“Hey, how’d the rescue go?”

He closed his eyes “Fine.”

“In what sense?  You appeared to be pretty alone for someone who just rescued a damsel in distress”  I found a long stick and poked him across the fire. “Hey, tell me what happened, use your words.”

He yawned and I about jammed the stick in his mouth “I found her, she wasn’t in in any trouble, she was getting buggered by some fella.”

“What the Hells are you talking about?  Who else would be out here?  Everyone is right here besides her!”

“I’m just telling you what I saw, get off my back.”

I rose to my feet “Get off your back?  Get off your back?!  Listen you winesoaked . . .”

I trailed off as Hardra came walking into the firelight looking only slightly disheveled. 

“Where the Hells were you?!”

She glanced at Tudos and acted like she was embarrassed “Ahem, nature called My Lady.”

I gestured at Otacvio “This drunken halfwit said he said you getting plowed.”

She sat down by the fire primly “If you knew where I was why did you ask My Lady?”

I threw my arms up “Are you serious?  We’re in the middle of nowhere, who even was it?”

“All due respect My Lady but this is not exactly nowhere, there’s farms and homesteads all around here.  I know that cityfolk like to imagine that the country is just a large wheat field broken up only by the occasional good spot for a hunting lodge but it’s not so.  As for who I was visiting with that’s not really your concern is it?  But if you must know he was an old friend of mine, I told him we’d be coming through this way and that if he saw us passing by he should find me if I he had the time.”

“I . . . I don’t even know what to say to that.  What kind of chaperone are you?”

“You said that before My Lady.”

“What . . . what the fuck ?!”

I looked at Martialla and she just shrugged and started shaking out her bedroll. There really wasn’t much more to say so I retired to the coach, slamming the door as Hardra was humming contently as she built up the fire.

Funds: 995 platinum

XP: 162,028

Inventory: Noble’s Traveling Outfit, Animated Riding Coat,  Animal Totem Tattoo (Lion), Dagger of Venom, Bracers of Armor +2, Ring of Protection +2, Light Crossbow, Fake Signet Ring,  False Papers, Bag of Concealment,  Belt of Giant Strength +4, Vest of Resistance +1, Ring of Sustenance, Gem of Brightness, Potion of Invisibility, Silver Chain set with Moonstones, Gold and Emerald Ring (2), Glove of Vampiric Touch, Platinum and Silver Holy Symbol of Kralten, Holy Symbol of Kozilek, Ruby (2), Black Marketers’ Bag, 879 Garnets, crystal necklace

Revenge List: Duke Eaglevane, Piltis Swine, Rince Electrum, watchman Gridley, White-Muzzle the worg, Percy Ringle the butler, Alice Kinsey , “Patch”, Heroes of the Lost Sword, Claire Conrad, Erist priest of Strider, Riselda owner of the Sage Mirror, Eedraxis,  Skin-Taker tribe, Kartak, Królewna & Bonifacja Trading Company, Hurmont Family, Androni Titus, Greasy dreadlocks woman, Lodestone Security, Kellgale Nickoslander, Beltian Kruin the Splithog Pauper, The King of Spiders, Auraluna Domiel, mother Hurk, Mazzmus Parmalee,  Helgan van Tankerstrum, Lightdancer, Bonder Greysmith, Pegwhistle Proudfoot, Lumbfoot Sheepskin, Lumber Consortium of Three Rivers, Hellerhad the Wizard

Behind the Curtail – Newly updated version of the original map added – it’s great!