OOC – The eyes are the groin of the head

At my old blogspot there were certain blog tropes that I hated. One of them was the “I’m drunk and/or high right now so this post is going to be super weird!” post. I am not on any sort of pain medication but this still kind of feels like that sort of post.

An HR lady at a job once told me that my worst trait (and I have many according to her) is my desire to publicize my failures. I will admit that yesterday when I poked myself in the eyeball with the corner of a gift bag and sliced that eyeball open like a boar eating a cantaloupe, my instinct was to e-mail everyone I knew and tell them how stupid I am.

Since my eye stings, obviously I can’t work out today. I thought I was past the point of looking for excuses not to work out but here we are. Mildly disappointing.

The good news is that I still have 20/20 vision. I got laser eyeball surgery about 20 years ago and you’re supposed to go to the ophthalmologist every year to see if your vision is degrading because laser eye surgery is still new enough that they don’t really know the long term effects, but I never do it. And my vision is fine so my laziness has been rewarded after the fact.

The bad news is I can no longer make fun of someone I know for having to go to the ER twice for getting glitter in their eye. Or at least I have to cut the fun making in half.

The only weird thing about my visit to the clinic was the doctor wanted to shake hands. We’re both there wearing masks and there’s signs everywhere about covid and she wants to touch me? I waved her off, which people really don’t like. I was hoping that sort of thing would go away for good out of the pandemic but people seem to be backsliding.

I saw Salma Hayek on an advertisement for an HBO show and I thought to myself “What HBO show is Salma Hayek on?” Turns out she’s going to be on a new show where she plays a woman whose boobs start talking to her. This sounds insanely awful to me, but perhaps I’m not the target demographic.

It put me in a mind of another show on a streaming service that I don’t think exists anymore where little Anna Kendrick went on a cross-country adventure with a sex doll that came to life. I started writing a script for that concept for a reboot of Mannequin only it was a horror movie because if a sex doll came to life, I figured it would be pretty upset about it’s existence.

Salma Hayek said recently that she was happy to be cast in the Eternals because the only roles she gets offered now are “old hooker” or “grandma”.

I never saw the movie Grown Ups but I understand that in this movie Salma Hayek plays Adam Sandler’s wife. And there’s a scene where Sandler goes to a yoga class to ogle the instructor. Because Salma Hayek isn’t hot enough. For Adam Sandler. I used to think that the media didn’t really have much effect on people but I’m starting to change my mind. Maybe things like this are part of the reason that mouth-breathing troglodytes used to come into my store and say that Halle Berry wasn’t pretty enough for them. They’d do her if she begged them, but it would be charity.

I watched the Matrix 4 the other day. It was fine. I was never a big Matrix man but I was interested to see what it was about. It felt very much like Force Awakens in that it was mostly just a remake of the first movie only I loved Star Wars enough that a remake got me with its emotional manipulation. I’d say a good 15% of the dialog in Matrix 4 was someone speaking directly to the audience saying “remember how much you liked the first movie? This is that again!”

In conclusion there was a show on IFC called Documentary Now! that was pretty good overall but the best episode by far is a parody of the Thin Blue Line called The Eye Doesn’t Lie.

OOC – Bonus buffoonery

I saw Kelly LeBrock at Quiznos the other day and it got me to thinking about Weird Science.  I wondered if they ever explained what was going on there.  I went back and read the plot synopsis and no, they do not explain anything. 

Two super gross disgusting nerds write a computer program and all of a sudden it “comes alive” and is a sexy lady?  There’s no way to make sense of that right?  At the time the movie came out that was probably true, but with our modern advantages the explanation is easy.  Weird Science is a prequel to the Matrix. 

After the first installment, what the hell is going on in the Matrix becomes violently unclear but a couple things seem to be established.  One – there have been many versions of the Matrix before.  Two – the entire savior concept is part of the program.  As I remember it, which is poorly probably because I never saw the third movie and I was barely paying attention to the second because it sucked, they implied (or maybe stated outright) that NEO was just the latest of many “The Ones” who came around whenever the Matrix was getting old and outdated and his job was to create a big hub-bub and wipe everything out so they could start fresh with a new version.  NEO was an automated job designed to tear down a server that was getting old and crusty so a new one could be spun up based on the gold image. 

When Lisa shows up in the “real world” and has unexplained magic powers, specifically powers that allow her to manipulate other people – freezing the geezers (good band name, sidenote) turning Chett into a monster, Jedi mind-fudging the bouncer at the dive bar, etc.  Powers that can be explained if the movie takes place inside the Matrix and she’s a proto-NEO, who as you may remember, was able to manipulate the Matrix (aka “reality”) from the inside. 

Lisa’s powers are more mature than NEO’s in the beginning and there’s a reason for that.  NEO was a real dude in a tube who had “lived” as a Matrix avatar for a good while.  It’s never explained how the different versions of the Matrix work but it’s possible that he had lived many lives before that one in the Matrix as well.  Point being he had a lot of baggage to get over before he could break free of constraints that he thought existed. 

Lisa on the other hand is purely a program, ergo she never had any limitations of scope in her “brain”.  She started doing “magic” stuff right off the bat because she was never trained to believe that she couldn’t.  One day she was just there. 

In order for the Matrix to exist, it has to have some point where it intersects with the real world.  The program has to be running on something.  I submit to you that in Weird Science when the two gross disgusting nerds hack into the “government computers” to give their sexy lady program more power what they really did was touch the OS behind the Matrix.  The robots saw their program and thought “now this is interesting” so they made it into an avatar to see what would happen. 

Now, you may be saying “But Jeremy, a program in the Matrix that can manipulate other programs?  That sounds more like Agent Smith than NEO.”

Good eye, because what I believe is that Lisa is the earliest version of both NEO as a concept and the Agents literally. 

At the end of Weird Science, Lisa embarks on a journey to use her magic powers to help other gross filthy disgusting smelly ugly nerds bang cheerleaders.  She was built to help people out.  In an awful 80’s kind of way, but still she was basically altruistic.  So she goes around on various adventures helping various revolting stinking trash-eating insect-like nerds get laid for several iterations.  Eventually with her magic powers she’s going to catch on to the fact that she’s in a simulation. 

But from inside the Matrix, what can she do about it?  As we’ve established there has to be some connection point between the two – the machines are presumably better at security than we are so they probably don’t have unprotected S3 buckets out there but if the program is running, it has some way to reach back the other way.  You can’t touch something without it touching you back. 

So Lisa starts futzing around trying to wake people up in their pods in the real world.  Now, I believe that it was implied (if not outright stated) that NEO and all his Zion buddies were actually still in the Matrix the whole time.  No one ever escaped, it was just another part of the Matrix where you got to think you escaped and “fight back” against the machines and go on fun adventures and have sex with Carrie Anne Moss after super long cave-raves.  When Lisa starting messing about, that’s probably when the machines came up with this idea.  Let’s create a new “level” to the Matrix as a pressure valve of sorts.  We’re going to keep doing this forever, eventually there’s going to be a glitch and some of the avatars are going to figure out the deal so let’s make that part of the story. 

Whenever “The One” comes around and starts breaking the rules, we’ll send in a couple Agent Smiths based on the Lisa program to murder them up.  If they get The One, fine,  that means the system is still good and we stay the course, but if The One “wins” then that means it’s time to upgrade the drivers so we run the “you escape the Matrix” program and then tear down and build a new version.   

In other 80s news, to get back into the swing of things with Ela, I watched the Road Warrior the other day and I realized that the people in white football pads are real assholes for blowing up the refinery when they left. 

Mad Max is a world of scarcity and the whities destroyed a working refinery just to kill the homoerotic marauders?  That goes way beyond cutting off your nose to spite your face.  Granted we never find out what’s going on in the “Promised Land” so maybe the refinery isn’t the last one in the world (they do mention Gastown in Fury Road) but it’s certainly massively valuable to all of humanity.  Blowing it up just so someone else can’t have it is a dick move. 

It’s like in the Walking Dead when Negan burns all the mattresses.  That to me is the worst thing anyone did in that whole show.  All the people killed, that’s bad, but you can make more people.  There are no more mattresses ever.  The mattress factories are gone and they’re never coming back. 

And that’s my pitch for a new Purple Mattress ad campaign.

World explaining Wednesday – The Dominatrix Matrix

Remember in the Matrix when Neo sees the cat walk by twice and says “Deja vu?”  That makes no sense to me.  Seeing the same thing twice isn’t déjà vu, déjà vu is when you get into your car to go to work and a song comes on the radio and suddenly that moment seems exactly like one you’ve already lived.  If I saw two black cats I’d just assume there were two of them.  Which would still be weird enough to comment on but I wouldn’t say déjà vu.

Maybe they’ll explain that in Matrix 4. 

For a tenth of a second today I thought I saw my girlfriend’s cat in my house.  Brains and vision are wacky huh?  According to an episode of the X-files from 25 years ago “they” still don’t know how a two dimensional retinal image is translated into our 3 dimensional vision. 

According to the hugely popular podcast about this massively successful blog, people were confused by the presence of the woman in the catsuit in the “job interview” posts.  Since I am bad at describing things (which is a great attribute to have both for writing and running RPGs, two of my favorite things) people thought that was the same woman from the fight in the “apartment” closet.  It was not.   

I thought about posting some pictures but ultimately didn’t.  10% because I don’t understand how giving people credit for things works.  90% because I assume tons of kids read this and they don’t need to see that.  “But Jeremy, you talk about how this is not appropriate for all audiences all the time”.  Sure, but reading is harmless.  Seeing things?  That has impact. 

Anyway here’s a character breakdown or whatever of those two separate and unique people.

Let’s start with the apartment lady.  I envision her looking like Catwoman from the 1992 movie Batman Returns only without the cat ears and more straps and buckles.  Kind of like that weird Edward Scissorhands leather suit maybe.  Hence in Ela’s eyes she looked like a dominatrix.  Would the average person in the 1970s know what a dominatrix was?  No clue.  Write what you know, they say.  Nah, I say back.   

A rebellious girl from not the best home, Susan Draper quickly learned the easiest path to excitement and the finer things in life was to attach herself to men who lived dangerous lifestyles, feeding off the thrills and money of those relationships.  She was the “main squeeze” of a gang leader in Basin City when she decided that it would be a real thrill to cheat on such a violent and dangerous man.  Which it was until he found out.   

Rather than kill her, said boyfriend went the time-honored comic book route of selling her into the clutches of unscrupulous scientists for experimentation – in this case the much-maligned Pecos Republic super soldier program.  The Pecos facility at Lone Star is known far and wide for its dismal success rate at creating viable super soldiers and its great success rate at creating corpses unrecognizable as having once been human.   

Given this reputation, Susan was grateful when she was turned loose without any visible effects as a “zero”.  A few months later she developed empathic powers, which is kind of lame, but a few months after that she developed the ability to manipulate the pain and pleasure centers of the brain as well – which is really something.  A few months later she developed enhanced agility which was nice.  A few months after that she developed the ability to inject people with ink from her fingers to create tattoos which is just silly.  If Ela hadn’t thrown her through a wall to her death, who knows what additional powers she would have gained.  How long would that have gone on?  New powers every few months?  That sounds like a great idea for a comic! 

Susan eventually grew bored of seducing and betraying various low-level villains and joined up with some fellow female crime people that came to Madripoor to recruit for some “big time” criminal undertakings.  It didn’t work out great for Suze.  But in Ela’s defense, she threw the first kick. 

Now the job applicant.  Wealthy socialite Marina Elizabeth Sieber has no innate superpowers but she was bequeathed a magic panther skin suit by her uncle, you all know how that goes.  He told her that it came from “African witch doctors” but it’s actually a Mesoamerican artifact related to the necklace that Ela took off Serpentina.  It’s part of a panoply of enchanted items that, if assembled completely, would give you all kinds of powers!  No one knows that except for an evil archeologist in Britain by the name of Sutter Cane.  And you better believe he’s looking for them!  He’s just not very good at it.   

Point is, when Marina wears the skinsuit, it grants her increased strength and speed (but doesn’t do anything to protect her legs obviously) which she uses to fight crime sometimes.  As a wealthy socialite, saving lives and beating up supervillains is more of a hobby than an obsession like with some super people.  She is known to have captured the dastardly Ace of Spades, a serial killer dubbed the Subway Slayer, and one of the several dozen villains with the moniker of the Vulture.   

She has a vacation home in Madripoor that she maintains when she wants to get away from the tedium of being a wealthy socialite part-time crime fighter with a magic panther suit.  She heard about a chance to do some freelance superheroing and thought, why not?  And you know how that turned out.   

I envision her looking more like 1993 purple suit Catwoman from the comics.  You know the one I mean.  The one that captured small satellites in the gravity well of her chest.

See, 1992 movie Catwoman and 1993 comic book Catwoman, completely different.  I don’t know how you didn’t get that from my highly detailed and richly descriptive passages.