November 24, 1973 – Pillow talk, sorry, I mean closet talk

Blue and Martialla have managed to find the worst apartment in Madripoor.  It’s literally just an empty cleaning supply closet.  It’s the kind of thing you’d see in a movie and roll your eyes.  Because people don’t live in empty cleaning supply closets.  But here we are.  So.  I guess I’m Margaret Dumont now.  Except Margaret Dumont married a sugar baron and inherited a fortune when he died of the Spanish flu, and I live in a closet. 

I’d like to really give them the business about this living arrangement but two things hold me back.  One, this is a nicer place to stay than a good number of people in Madripoor have.  Which is depressing.  And B, even though this place sucks, they managed to get it with zero money – which is the amount of money we have.  Which is impressive.  And depressing.  Getting something that should be cheap for nothing is actually harder than getting something expensive for cheap.  Trust me, I know.  I don’t know why, but it’s easier to get someone to give you something worth three hundred dollars for a hundred than it is for get them to give you something worth a hundred for free.  People are odd ducks.   

I know why I’m broke, and Martialla probably thinks shells are money or something stupid like that, but why doesn’t Blue have any money?  Before I kicked his ass and we became best friends, he was hired muscle.  HIRED muscle.  That implies payment of some kind.  What happened to all his money?  Shouldn’t he have a wicked cool criminal enforcer penthouse or something?  Maybe he has a gambling problem that he’s keeping secret.  I should keep an eye on him.  I mean, I’ll take his money if that’s what he’s into.

On the plus side, at least I have somewhere to keep my smokes now.  They keep getting ruined in my pockets on account of all the superheroing I do all the time.  It’s really annoying when your cigarettes get smashed or drenched in blood.  I sat in my corner while Blue sat in the other three with Martialla perched on his back like a dirty seagull.  Turning to the matter at hand, Martialla and Blue said they would scout the location where Camila wanted us to make our move but I told them no – they stick out too much. 

“Send LBK, he can blend in better than any of us.”

Martialla shook her head “I don’t think he’s going to be interested.  He was pretty shaken up by what happened on Callisto.”

Blue looked mournful, which isn’t easy for a lizard “Yes, that battle extracted a heavy toll on us all.  You see Ela, there was an alien with us that used the highly advanced technologies, found in our headquarters, powered by immense energies from the ferocious alien storm outside to . . .”

“Jesus Christ, I knew it, I knew you were going to bring up this moon stuff all the damn time!”

Blue’s tongue flicked out low and to the right – hurt feelings “You asked!”

“I asked about LBK not to hear the dumb story of your supposed space adventure again.  What really happened?  Did someone bomp Martialla over the head and try and sell her at the fish market for two dollars a pound?”

Martialla sneered with her fish-lips “Aren’t you the one who usually sells herself?”

I shook my head “Really Martialla?  You’re going to go there?  What about the international cause of woman’s rights?  Words have power Martialla.  We need to build each other up, not cut each other down.”

“But you’re the one who . . .”

I waved my hand “Shush, the point is no more moon talk alright?  No one wants to hear it.  Before I forget, when I was laid up in the very expensive fake hospital because you two abandoned me to die, a thought occurred to me about your niece.  Why would someone travel all the way to the CS to kidnap a kid?  Your sister’s not rich right?  And even the most particular pedo surely has access to someone closer.  The only reason I can think that she was grabbed was because she’s related to you.”

“I can’t pay a ransom either.”

“No, but you do have the super-soldier gene.”

“Actually I don’t, I was tested many times.” She gestured to her revolting body “This experiment they did on me was something else.”

“Regardless it worked.  Either they don’t know you’re a negative or they do and they want to know what’s up with your genes so they can try and replicate it.  Nothing else makes sense to me.”

Martialla considered for a moment “If that was true, why wouldn’t they grab my sister?”

I shrugged “I don’t know, but I think this is a better lead than anything else we have.  Instead of tipping off the drug guy you should ask around, I have to believe that Madripoor has some kind of local Dr. Moreau mad geneticist freak-maker, probably several, and they seem like the most likely culprit to me.”

Blue piped in “Speaking of intel gathering, you need to be careful out on the street, the Crimson Cardinal and Patron Patriot are both looking for you.”

I snorted “They can get in line.  Since I broke all their technology, what threat could they be really?  That reminds me though, the USA guy’s stuff was all alieny with the symbols like you draw sometimes, Lucien.  Maybe we should grab him and see what he knows about it.”

Blue was too stunned to respond but Martialla jumped in “Or we could just talk to him.”

“Yeah maybe, but he didn’t seem like the helpful sort to me, you know how staties are.  Do you have to perch up there like a gargoyle?  You’re making me nervous.” 

Martialla held out her webbed hands “Where else do you want me to go?  We’re packed in here like . . . ” I grinned “. . . don’t you say it Ela, don’t you dare.”

October 15, 1973 – Enter Martialla the super-mermaid!

It was the perfect plan.  I need food and I need money.  The answer?  Sharks!  Of course, the answer is usually sharks.  Did you know the largest order of sharks is called ground sharks?  I didn’t.  How does that make sense?  They don’t live on the ground at all!  Quite the opposite in fact.  There’s also an order of sharks called carpet sharks which sounds like a type of VD.  “Sorry sweetie I know it’s your birthday but my carpet sharks are flaring up.  Maybe next week.” 

The plan was simple.  Step one, I wade out into the ocean.  Sharks, being the voracious killing machines that they are would immediately come to attack me.  Ah-ha but the stupid fish wouldn’t be counting on me having the strength of twenty men – twenty men that were also very strong, not twenty normal sissy men.  Step two, the shark charges at me, eyes rolling wildly full of murderous rage, and I flip it onto the shore as easily as some square flipping pancakes at a church breakfast.  The shark is helpless on the shore and Blue bashes its head in with a mighty lizard-fist.  And Robert’s your father’s brother. 

Step three, we drag the carcass of the deadly monster triumphantly through the streets while people cheer our mighty triumph over nature’s perfect assassin to my favorite grilled fish place where they buy half from me for a boatload of crazy purple and pink money and they cook up the other half for me to devour on the spot.  What delicious irony!  The shark thought it was going to eat me and instead I eat it!  What a country!

The plan was flawless.  But the issue with the execution of that flawless plan was that no sharks came to eat me.  The nature shows try to say that sharks are shy and no threat to people as long as we leave them alone but that’s bullshit.  I read Jaws, I know the deal.  All the sharks must have been busy eating people somewhere else.  Probably what happened is a bus full of school children fell off a bridge and the sharks were all over eating them.  And the children they didn’t eat they held for ransom in their sea-caves.  Which is a real dick move because sharks don’t even understand the concept of money!  They were just doing it to torment the parents.  Sharks are like that.

I was just about to give up on this flawless plan when not a shark or even a shark woman but just a normal (sort of) woman popped out of the water wearing a wetsuit but no SCUBA gear.  I guess surfers wear those suits sometimes but she had no surfboard either.  Oh, also her eyes were all white and her fingers were webbed.  She looked kind of like Jenny Kemp, except for the monster eyes and freak hands.  Her French was funky like Blue’s, so she must be Quebecois or some other kind of fake French person.  Someday I want to meet someone here who speaks proper French.  Not French like they speak in France, but proper French like we speak in Arkansas. 

She looked at me curiously (I think, hard to know for sure with those eyes you know) “What are you doing out here?”

I gestured “Fishing for sharks, isn’t that obvious?  What are you doing?”

She looked around with her crazy pale eyes “Is this Madripoor?  I’m looking for my niece.”

I nodded “It sure is.  Are you saying that you just swam here?  Like from a boat?”

“No, from Vladivostok.” When she saw the look of shock on my face she shrugged “I’m a pretty good swimmer.”

“Are you looking for your niece like she’s lost or you mean looking for her like you’re going to stay with her for the weekend and you don’t know where her apartment is?”

“She was kidnapped.  I’m here to take her home to my sister.  And to kill the men that took her.”

“Right on, right on.” I clapped her on the shoulder “Well good luck with that, I got sharks to catch and you have men to kill so I’ll let you get to it.”

“Where is the ship called Empire?’

I turned back to her “Well now, that is an interesting development, a clear cut situation with a promise of advancing the plot you might say!  It just so happens that I was kidnapped and brought here on a ship called the Empire.  We have much to discuss.  But first, can you use your powers to talk to fish?  Tell them to come up here so I can eat them.  Well, kill them and have someone cook them first and then eat them, but you know.”

She cocked her head “Talk to fish?  I can’t do that.  Why would you think I could?”

“What about whales?’ She shook her head “You can’t even communicate with marine life?  All you can do is swim?  So you’re even worse than Aquaman?”

“I don’t know what that is.”

I smiled “What’s your name?”

“Martialla Chernyshevsky”

I put an arm around her and headed for the shore where Blue was watching with interest. “Martialla Chernyshevsky, I have a feeling we’re going to be good friends.  There’s just something I like about you. And I don’t like many people. Let me introduce you to my other friend, the giant blue lizard monster.” I laughed in joy “Now things are really starting to snowball.  We’ll be a league of justice in no time!”